My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Whiny Wednesday... losing the party tricks

I'm too exhausted to make sense today. It's been a really painful week. I say that every week, don't I?

Sorry to be redundant. I'm having a redundant *season* of life right now. 
Of course, Ecclesiastes tells us that there's nothing new under the sun. It was true back then... it's true now.
I'm not the first woman to drag my creaking, broken down, overweight frame through middle age.
My grandmother, bless her sweet soul, at my age had three little girls ages 7, 6 and 4. 
You know I love the little girls in my life... but if I had to raise them... now?? All under one roof? 
She's a stronger woman than me.
We all have our cross to bear, though, don't we?
Mine seems to be getting bigger all the time. The cross, I mean. Not me. Well. Both. 
God has been good to me. I got into the car after work yesterday and exhaled, "thank you God for another day"...
And it occurred to me that most people greet the dawn that way... "thank you God for another day"...
I start my days imploring God to give me the strength I need for that day... and I thank Him at the end.
I suppose I could start with thanking Him in advance for what He's going to do that day... am I less faithful because I wait until it happens to thank Him for what He was gonna do anyways, most days?
I mean. Every day. So far, at least.
So many people in my orbit have been gone long before their time. Or. What we thought their time was.
It's no surprise to God, of course. 
What I don't know... at the dawn of each new day... is whether or not I'll beat the pain that day... 
Or if the pain will beat me.
Several times yesterday when I started to stand up... I didn't have the strength at first. It took a couple of tries.
I trust God. I surrender all, I truly do. 
But there is still that very HUMAN moment of recognizing for the first time that you are unable to do... what you've always been able to do, that grips your heart in fear. 
Every person goes through that at some point, I imagine. I mean... very few people die with all the same party tricks that they started life with... I could do a toe touch thirty years ago. I could still do a split just a little over a year ago. And I imagine there will be a time that I will remember fondly "way back when" I was able to stand up without struggle or pain. 
Last night I dreamed that my other grandmother - my Steel Magnolia - I dreamed that she was writing a letter and although she has never (in my lifetime, anyways) had what I would consider "great penmanship" - as she was writing, it was no longer her usual handwriting, it was mostly lines and dots and dashes that made no sense. As if she had lost the ability to communicate clearly. 
I said to her (in my dream) "Grandmother... I can't read what you're writing"... 
and she giggled and said, "my goodness".... or some sweet southern lady exclamation like that... and we went on with our lives.
They say that "only the good die young"... does that mean that all old people are bad?
Of course not. The older I get, the more I value older people. 
But sooner or later, our bodies wear out. I've carried more weight than I should have in this life - both literally and figuratively. My spine is about twice my age. The cold, damp weather we had yesterday caused me physical pain. It hasn't eased up yet. It makes me physically tired and mentally drained. I was asleep before 8pm last night. I fell asleep without putting away the leftovers from dinner. That could have been another meal for us. I forgot to turn off the oven. It was on until 3am when I woke up and realized the kitchen light was still on. Oh. And the stove. And I never fed the cats. And so it goes. Getting old.
My job is on the line. We have too many people producing too few policies and I'm the weakest link. While I may have more experience... I'm not a safe bet any more. It hurts my heart but it's the truth. I'm not as valuable as I once was because my body doesn't work like it once did.
I have this deep need to be in control of my destiny... There are people who I cross paths with every single day who have lost some of their "party tricks" and aren't able to take care of themselves completely any more, whether physically or financially... and a lot of those people don't really have anyone looking out for them. Some have lost jobs... some have lost their health... some are just lonely. 
It's my greatest fear. It's what I think about in those moments when I try to stand up and can't. 
It's what was so frightening before, during and after my surgery... if I can't, who will?
God has been gracious to me and has kept me going many, many days beyond what I thought I could do.
I know He holds the future. I just don't quite yet know what the future looks like. 
But... if you think about it... None of us do. Nothing is guaranteed. I may actually know more about my future than you do... because thanks to the pain... I spent the past year and a lot of money figuring out what was wrong with me. 
By the Grace of God I was able to figure out what was wrong.
And by His Grace, I will get a shower... glam up... go to work... do the best I can with what I have and at the end of the day... I will rest. And that cycle will repeat itself until it doesn't. 
So that's my Whiny Wednesday. 
Love and hugs, y'all.