Friday just feels different from the other days of the week to me. I woke up at 3am because of a kitty kissing me... convinced him that we wanted more sleep... woke up again at 4:30 and realized my body couldn't stay in that horizontal position any longer so we got up. On Mondays there are heavy leg irons clamped on me... I drag my weary body to the kitchen on Tuesday... on Wednesday I'm bent and broken.... on Thursday it seems like it will never end... and on Friday... the cartoon bluebirds circle around me... I skip, float, glide into the kitchen while the Disney music plays in the background.
I love my job and I'm so grateful that God has blessed me with this career path... and I'm so grateful that my employer has been understanding about my health situation and hasn't fired me, because let's face it... I haven't had great attendance or performance lately... but I feel a heavy weight of stress because I know that I am the weakest link ... and in my mind... that makes me afraid to make any mistake.... to not use the perfect word tracks when talking to clients... to not have the same production numbers that the other team members have. It's a heavy emotional burden and yesterday, I felt the weight so greatly - for no specific reason - that when I left for lunch I was literally shaking. I prayed, I ate, I rested and I calmed down but still, I left work yesterday fearing that I had sent in the wrong police report for a client and I'm determined to get to work early today to make sure and fix it if I need to because I.just.can't.mess.up. That fear... it grips my heart at times...
But yesterday... I felt a spirit of comfort ... that peace that passes understanding... some of you know what I mean... and I remembered this passage... this is the passage that brought me here... when I was in the depths of despair in Jacksonville and so, horribly, unbelievably afraid of my future.... I couldn't comprehend what life would be like apart from Michael... not because I WANTED to be with him, not in the way that our life was going... but because I didn't know what the next season would bring. And my sweet sister-in-law shared this verse with me...
She referenced the first verse... and not long after I got here I put the whole passage in context... and a week or so ago I wrote it on a sticky note and put it on my desk for reassurance...and today, on www.biblegateway.com ... where I go every morning to get a verse to focus on in the early morning hours before I start my blog entry... that was the passage for today. Out of all the verses in the bible.... reported to be 7959 verses (I didn't count for myself)... those verses are continually being brought to my attention.
Coincidence? Maybe. I don't think so. For me, again, to be in a season where it's difficult to comprehend the NEXT season of life. One way or another, there will come a time when I am no longer able to work. The future is blurry, the path is unclear. Even if I get approved for disability on my first attempt... which never happens... I'm going to spend a period of time waiting, likely with little or no financial resources... I don't know what happens while I'm waiting. I just know that He knows and that eases my fear.
In Jacksonville... when I felt like there was no way for me to have hope and a future... that's when I gave up. I'm determined to not give up, regardless of what happens... how it happens... when it happens. Yet, I will tell you that I am also determined to keep my focus on my Jesus who brings me peace me when I am afraid. I am determined to seek God with all of my heart so that I can know His plans for me and have no fear. My two rings on my "wedding ring finger" are a tiny little ring that says, "hope" and a bigger, more sturdy ring that says, "faith"... a little hope and a lot of faith... that's what will carry me through.
And of course... the way that God blesses.... Austin's mentor from his Catalyst class took him out to dinner at the new Western Sizzlin in town last night. Austin was excited and I was relieved that I didn't have to
I went to the doctor yesterday for a re-check on my blood pressure. The doctor was concerned and added a second medication and we'll look at my blood pressure for the next two weeks and then re-evaluate. He wants to keep close tabs on it and do fasting blood work when I come back. I also found that my shortness of breath and wheezing that I've been feeling occasionally over the last two weeks is bronchitis. I haven't had much of a cough so I just thought it was related to the high blood pressure and/or stress and anxiety. They want to recheck that in two weeks since for me, it never clears up in one round of antibiotics and more often goes into pneumonia. He's hitting it with a z-pack first... and then go to something stronger if it isn't cleared up.
Our tax return came in yesterday so I went ahead and paid as many of the bills that come due in March as I could. My goal is to NOT be in a situation where we're living paycheck to paycheck. I am determined to build us a small cushion. I'd love to be able to know that our bills are paid through the time of Austin's graduation. That's my finish line... if I can get us through to that point... if I can just keep working until his graduation... I can't let anything happen that makes him have to change schools again because he's so close. So close. When we moved here I promised him we wouldn't move until he graduates and I want so desperately to hold to that promise.
Well.... I've boo-hoo'ed through most of this blog entry. Sometimes putting my fears into words is cleansing and it's a big part of the reason I blog... and tears seem to be the inevitable result of seeing those fears in black and white.
I know these things to be true: God is good. He already knows my future and although it's all a great mystery to me, He has already gone ahead and made a way for me. He always. makes. a. way. He will for you too. Love and hugs, y'all!