My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Tightening the Corset Without Pity

Yesterday I stumbled across a website that had a train wreck sort of magnetism for me. I'm not going to list it here because... quite frankly, I'm a little embarrassed at the fact that I lingered there as long as I did. It was a site designed to challenge everything that a certain "high traffic" blogger writes on her site. It was painfully thorough. It included court documents, evidence of plagiarism, screen shots of contradictory things she had said and... wow. It was a full on attack against a fellow blogger that really shocked me and shook me to the core.

It left me wondering: if such a site existed against me, how much evidence would they be able to collect against me? Although I frequently cross the great "too much information" line... I'm compelled to a certain level of discretion out of respect for others in my life. And maybe... it could be said... that I give myself a favorable edit, self-deprecating as I can be at times, I'm not dragging EVERY skeleton out of my closet. I'm guilty of embellishment for dramatic effect, although, I'm quite open about these things and usually offer a disclaimer or fact check myself within each entry. Sometimes I DO contradict myself. Sometimes I'm guilty of "under-share"...

Yet... as a daily blogger... whose primary subject is ME... how much transparency do I owe my readers? You, out there, the person who doesn't really know me in real life... would you really want to know every dirty little detail of my life? Should my blog be a total confession session? Does my decision to live my life "out loud" require one hundred percent candor?

There was an incident about a year ago where a casual reader challenged my relationship with Austin, accusing me of not spending enough time with him. Trust me... or ask Austin... he would be happy to have me spend a little LESS time with him, if the truth be told. He's my last little birdie in the nest and as a single mom I'm reluctant to let him try his wings. But you can't know that by reading what I put out here on the blog. I tend to blog about the remarkable things in my life and leave the less interesting, "changed the toilet paper roll today... there are four rolls left, will have to remember to pick up a new pack at the Dollar General" type information OUT of my blog... to spare you the boring details. I want to share the things that are interesting and unusual and well, blogworthy. Most of the time... my time with my teenager... is pretty dull.

I don't think it's wise to share every thought. If I were to allow the world access to every train of thought that travels through my imaginative brain... you might find out that I can be shrewish... and mean... and sometimes bitter... and often jealous... and you might see that not every thought has been taken captive for Christ... which is my goal, ultimately, to be a girl who is worthy of the calling He has given me. Fortunately for all of us... I've learned to filter some of those thoughts and not allow them to become words or actions. Is that false advertising... for me to not let you know just how ugly I can be at times? Is it clever marketing on my part, to put a "Heather is so Holy" spin on things? Am I being dishonest?

The past decade or so of my life HAS BEEN like Job-lite (Job, as in the book in the bible, not "job" as in the place where I work)... there have been a lot of lot of lot of things that were the modern version of locusts and plagues. I have moved four times under duress - from the trailer to Woodstock to live in sin (I mean, let's call a spade a spade)... from Woodstock to Jacksonville, literally, in a trail of tears, having to leave my precious son behind... from Jacksonville to Helen, in defeat, disgrace and complete brokenness... from the duplex to the apartment here in Sautee out of what was truly an act of God (the lightning strike and fire). These have all been difficult moves and I have outlined them here... in fairly transparent detail... because they are the foundation - the setting - the scene - of my story.

There have been numerous medical issues that have popped up. I'm enough of an admitted hypochondriac to list the "worst case scenario" when these illnesses and injuries present themselves... and I'm in awe of a God who blesses me with less than the worst case scenario most of the time. I've been tempted to snag a screen shot of the list of the diagnosis' that pop up on the doctor's office computer screen when they pull up my file... it blows my mind... and if I were a casual reader who didn't know me... I would have a bit of skepticism about the legitimacy of these issues. BUT... I also know... that there are a lot of readers out there who have faced a similar domino effect of this issue begats this issue begats this issue and I know how alone I would feel if I didn't have someone else to identify with. That's the plot line of this story of my life... it hasn't been easy... I struggle physically and financially.... I live with a generally LESS than comfortable life and without God... I would have given up a long time ago.

Ultimately... my goal as a blogger... is to connect with people I might not otherwise meet... to glorify the name of God by acknowledging His many blessings in our life... to entertain... to make you think... to make ME think... to leave a legacy... to explain myself to people in Real Life that I never seem to have enough time for...

I don't think I could ever attempt to tell the entire story of my life. I would be so ashamed for  you to know how far I've fallen at times. It would be unfair to others in my life who didn't ask for the kind of exposure that makes me completely comfortable. My thoughts, opinions and perspectives are MY side of the story. It's never the WHOLE story, that would be impossible to share. I have, at times, colored outside of the lines, done things that are - while not really ILLEGAL - at times, I've done things that are unethical. It's not that I'm unable to face the truth of who I am - it's that I would never want to encourage anyone who reads this blog to travel some of the rocky, dark, unhappy roads that I have. If I can stand there with a lantern and a big red arrow to point you to an easier, smoother, more scenic path, I will.

Truth, my friends, is stranger than fiction. My blog is not meant to be a "tell-all"... it's meant to be a "share-some". I pray that you will appreciate the snippets and snapshots of my life that I'm able to share... and respect the fact that I can't share everything. I love you for coming here... I love having the privilege of connecting with you... I love those of you who message me privately when you see things that concern you... those messages, those connections are precious to me. I'm so grateful for the people who come to me with answers for the questions I have... who encourage me... who wait eagerly for the next chapter of this saga. It is a blessing and an honor to share my story with you.

5 comments:

LYN said...

don't suppose you'd send me that link?..I would love to read it...

Sonya said...

Yeah, send me the link too! Intriguing. Why would someone go to the trouble to do something like that anyway. Weird.

Pudge450 said...

Would that be Pie Near Woman? Sounds like it. I can't believe an adult spends so much time degrading someone who is not significant in her life.. or even someone who IS significant in their life. She has visited Pioneer Woman's ranch, by the way.

Sherry said...

http://themarlborowoman.com/

It's really a shame she goes to so much trouble, interesting reading

Kelly Dawn said...

i havent read any of the pie near woman sites - i just assumed you were talking about the mckmama sites...people nee to worry about their own back yards before trying to mow someone else's....