Late Night

Last night I was begging for an early bedtime. Tonight I'm at the other end of the spectrum again. It's 11pm and I'm awake. Not... wide awake... but that conscious but sleepy time of quiet peace before you slip off into sleep. (maybe I should add a disclaimer here about being under the influence of ambien).

Today was better than yesterday. Nobody left dishes out. Nobody cursed. The old moldy carpet was hauled off and we are ready to begin repairing my Whine Cellar.

I've realized how important that space is to my mental well-being. Pain makes us want to isolate. There is a threshold after which I am not as capable of controlling my temper, my emotions or what I say. In those times, I need to be in a quiet place alone. My Whine Cellar is my quiet place. You just don't hear noise from the rest of the house.

I've also realized this week how important it is for me to not just watch tv... but to allow myself to be transported into other worlds for thirty minutes or an hour. I need a mental break from what is happening to my body and in my life. I've always had a great imagination. I can watch a play - or a tv show - or read a book - and I am IN that story. I don't want to bury my head in the sand but sometimes it's nice to get away. I need to do a better job of having those little uninterrupted escapes.

My attorney called today and we completed another 12 page questionnaire for Social Security. This one was about how I spend my days... what my hobbies and interests are... what things I have had to give up BESIDES work because of my back. It was thirty-six minutes of how life used to be for Heather vs. Heather's current reality. When I listed the things I can't do... I got a little emotional. It's like... if I go a whole day and I don't go anywhere I don't think about it. But... like last weekend when the fam went out for dinner. I soooo wanted to go. I just knew that even with just the drive down, by the time we ordered and our food was prepared that I would be in too much pain to enjoy anything and possibly in so much pain that I kept others from having a good time. The reminders of what is missing... that's what is hard.

But tonight the house is quiet and there is only one clown left in the basement. If you must be in one place for the majority of your time, it's nice when that place is nice... comfortable... cool enough, warm enough... there's good food... it's clean... At night the air has just that hint of crispness that lets you know it's no longer Summer.

The internet is a funny, funny place. My cousin cracked me up tonight with something he found in his genealogy research... which was scandalous and shant be repeated... that, and that he descends from Benedict Arnold. That was pretty funny.

Then my former neighbor Karen who always jumps into my facebook conversations with my mom because they are truly random... and Karen knows just how cray-cray the old fam is... she gives suggestions for quieting the clock that chimes every fifteen minutes.

So many people... connected through a screen... making me feel less alone, less discouraged... giving me a reason to laugh. And after five hours of Grey's Anatomy today, I need something to pick me up.

I'm sleepy ... better quit writing before I start letting skeletons fall out of closets. Yesterday was bad. Today was bearable. Tomorrow's going to be good. I just know it.

Love and hugs, y'all!