Whiny Wednesday

Eddie cat

And then it was Wednesday.

I woke up this morning to the sound of a barking dog. That's not unusual. However, Oscar is usually more of a late riser so I can usually count on relative peace until 9am-ish. This morning it was 7:46. Ish.

We think he may have heard some kind of animal outside. He was all crazy detective-ish when he was able to get out back later today. We have bears here, although I've only had one encounter. We also have a lot of deer. Two little bambi twins ran out in the road beside me yesterday. Which is kind of weird... I didn't see the mommy deer. It could just be another dog that set him off. Or a squirrel.

Little Trouble Kitty

Anyways... it's been one of those days where I don't really do anything but feel like I've run a marathon.

I've mentioned before that my pain changes. Today it's more pressure than pain which is aggravating because there's nothing you can take to make pressure go away. I'd rather have pressure than pain but I'd really rather have neither, if I had a choice.

I got a call from a friend this afternoon. He's dealing with two people very close to him who are battling cancer. It was good to hear from him but when I hung up from talking to him I just wanted to cry. I don't want him to carry that burden. It's too much. Too sad. Too heavy.

Angle from which I was taking pictures of Eddie and Trouble

And it makes dealing with back pain seem .... well, very not fatal.

A mutual friend of ours has gone through really REALLY heavy, life-changing illness this year and is back in the hospital again and my heart just breaks for him.

I so wish we lived in a world where there was no sickness or pain.

Mom cut the grass this morning, took a power nap and then started painting the back porch. I would post a picture of the deck but it would involve stairs. We got this thick stuff that fills in the cracks and is supposed to create an even surface... so we're (and by we - I mean her) staining the railings and painting the floor of the deck. We thought we had picked two browns that are complementary, if not exactly the same. Instead... at least when wet... the floor color is more like Oscar the dachshund brown - and the rails are like more of hot chocolate brown. We'll see. Either way it beats weathered board brown.

the Bermuda Cat Triangle. They do this when they think I'm getting treats.

While Mom cut the grass, took a power nap and painted I was on dog duty which HONESTLY... compared to 40 hour work weeks or ... you know, cutting the grass and painting the deck, or taking care of people who are really sick, is not that hard of a job except that it's a lot of up and down. Lily goes potty a lot. Oscar has to bark at the wind blowing.

Oh, who am I kidding? It's not that hard.
It's just that some days everything is hard.
No. The point is that every day everything is hard and it sucks but it doesn't suck like cancer.

And sometimes what sucks the most about it is that it is life changing without being something that's understood as being life changing. Nobody sees pain and I'm not willing to dramatize it to make it apparent. I'm not one to wince at every step. They all hurt. Take it for granted. Laying here right now... on ten inches of mattress padding and feather bed and princess and the pea stuff... it hurts. Just being. I'm not going to moan and groan. I'm much more likely to just not say anything at all. Except here, of course.

And what sucks more is that I have a friend who is hurting and I can't be there beside him. Because that's what I do. That's who I am, especially to him. I'm the one who holds his chapstick and reminds him of his name when he forgets. The one who always has something for him to wipe his mouth on when he gets sick. And keeps peanut butter around in case his blood sugar is too low. I'm just there. It's what I do.

The name thing... it really did happen... we were doing auditions for a show. He was directing and I was his assistant and he was standing in front of the group of people who were about to audition and giving them directions and he said, "hello my name is... " and he paused... and I was right beside him and I whispered his name to him and he repeated it. He just had one of those thought train wrecks and forgot what he was saying. It's still funny to think about me giving him his line to deliver when the line was his name.

Anyways... I don't always get what God's doing.

But you know... this morning I was in the shower and I was thinking about the past year... moving to Riverdale and trying to work and really not being able to work and all that. And I thought... if I hadn't had that year, I would have never had the validation I needed about my work skills because I would have forever been haunted by what came before. Instead, I stopped working gradually, having tried every possible combination and having been in a place where I really wanted to be, with people who really cared about me and appreciated me and ... well, validated me.

And if I hadn't been down there, I wouldn't have had all the quality time with Cody and Marquee and Sammy (the dog) that I had. I wouldn't have been able to see my oldest son on Mother's Day.

And before long my parents will be packing up the old homestead and home - that home - won't be home any more. So I'm glad I had a chance to go home while I could.

I don't always get why things happen like cancer and back pain and all that but I know that it's always part of the big master plan.

And sometimes, when all you can do is whisper someone's name... you do it... even when you're just whispering it to God. He hears it. I'm convinced.

Let's try this again tomorrow.