random late night stream of consciousness

My laptop + wireless internet = feeling right at home.
I never sleep well away from home. I know some people love going home to the house they grew up in, for those who are lucky enough for that place to still exist. But for me... my comfy nest with my cuddly kittens is the only place I can truly rest.
Glad to be able to spend time with my family... but I'll be one wiped out woman by end of day tomorrow.
My mama is really sick. Her diverticulitis flared up and caused her intestines to swell up to the point of creating a blockage. The idea is to keep her in the hospital with nothing to eat or drink until the swelling goes down or if the swelling doesn't go down, to do surgery. She's miserable.
I hate hospitals. I'm not entirely sure but I think this may have been the first time I was at a hospital since when I was in the hospital 23 months ago. I think... other than diagnostic testing. But I mean, in a hospital room. And it made me a little (lot) squeamish. Post-traumatic stress squeamish.
In kitty speak, "I no yikes it"
But... I did get to see my brother Michael who I haven't seen since my parents' 40th anniversary party and his kids, Cory and Matthew, who I haven't seen in 4 years. How sad is it that my poor nephews are deprived of *the best aunt ever* - because I am, you know!
And i did get to spend some quality time with my boys today... although... initially I was majorly bummed because their original plan was to go out to dinner with their dad ....and disclaimer - it's not that I would ever in a million years discourage them spending time with their dad. I love my boys... I love who they are to each other, I love how loyal they are to their extended family. they are the best cousins, brothers, grandsons in the world. Their dad was mostly an absentee father while they were growing up and they have each found their way back to him and I'm so proud of that, that they are the kind of people who value family that much. but today was supposed to be my day because tomorrow they're going to the Braves game with their dad so I took a day off of work to be able to spend time with them and so... when I found out that they intended to have dinner with their dad I was... well... hurt.
And so I made plans to have dinner with MY dad... who definitely needed a little time away from the hospital.
And then... after having a long, honest talk with my oldest child and letting him know that I feel, to some degree, like an orphaned mom... that their dad has his girlfriend and my daughter in law's parents have each other... I'm just this old single lady kinda dangling there on my own. Partially by choice, because it's what's right for me for now, but partially because of some pretty bad luck with men, including their dad. Who they were abandoning me for. Who gets to spend every single day working with Cody. Who I haven't seen in 3 months because he's been so busy working and being a new husband.
It's hard.
I never wanted to be the kind of parent of grown kids who demanded their attention. I don't ever want to demand anyone's attention. I think I'm a pretty cool person and I know there are people who love to spend time with me and if the ones I gave birth to and raised by myself aren't interested in hanging out with me... well... then I won't waste my time chasing them down. I'll focus on the ones who want me around. Know what I mean?
But... in the end... we did all go out to dinner... me, my boys, my daughter in law and my dad... and it was a good time and I ate healthy (tilapia and steamed veggies and chips and salsa but I counted all the points, no worries).
And then we all went back to the hospital for a bit and I tried to keep the heebie jeebies at bay.
And then hung out at Cody and Marquees house for a little while and even had an ice cream cone (because I still had plenty of points for the week).
And now I'm back in my old bedroom, totally not sleeping. But I did have a nice talk with Bear and I felt 16 again talking quietly on the phone late at night with a "boy". and *although I'm bummed that I didn't get to see him today* he is working three jobs and coaching a little league football team and has a far too busy life. But tomorrow... we're trying again tomorrow. And it was good to just hear his voice. He's one of those "Pick back up right where we left off" people in my life and you can never have too many of those.
I'm sorta halfway penciled into his agenda for tomorrow and maybe, just maybe, for a Labor Day picnic in the mountains... we'll see. I don't ever really get my hopes up because... well, he's about as predictable as the late August weather in Georgia... and because I really am just so durn pleased and happy to be me alone with myself in the world that I created for me. Anything else is just icing on the cake...
Other points of interest: My brother Michael has a creepy 1970's porn mustache. My nephew Cory is so tall but really shy (much like Sarabeth). My nephew Matthew is more outgoing and observant (much like Jamie). My brother Bryan was still working at 10:30 when I sent him a text to tell him to tell my sister-out-law to check her email since she doesn't text and I wanted to share some of the events of my day with her.
Still reading?
G'night, y'all.