My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Monday, April 13, 2009

i've got my words back

Words are coming back. Maybe that only makes sense in my head. I have been in such a "blue" place lately that I haven't even been able to think. I have just been blah. Void. Empty. I've done a good job (I think) of going through the motions. I got up and went to work every day. I missed church one Sunday... but otherwise, I did the things I had to do. Maybe just the bare minimum. This is what it was like in those last few months with Michael... time passed. I got up. I went to work. I came home. I went to bed. Anything else was asking too much.

Over the past week I haven't even wanted to talk on the phone. Ok... I know I rarely EVER want to talk on the phone. Those who get me on the phone should know that it requires an enormous amount of effort on my part. I hate the phone. I have to chat it up and be friendly and charming all day long and when I am not being paid to be friendly and charming, I don't want to have to do it. I mean... it may seem effortless... but it's not. But there is one person I genuinely adore talking to on the phone and I have avoided their calls this past week. I even declined a conversation with Purple Michael this weekend. But he knows. He gets it. He knows what it's like to just not have the energy to speak. Or the wit or creativity. It shouldn't be that hard but sometimes it is.

That continuous stream of consciousness was so that I can say... I'm feeling better. Less numb. Less overwhelmed. Less frustrated/moody/sad/whatever... there are still some things that are troubling me.... I'm still feeling a little bit of "woe is me"... "what's the point?"... "will it ever end"... but I'm able to articulate those feelings now. I found my words again. The real fear for me begins when I am unable to feel without tears... or when I am unable to feel at all. That happens sometimes. By the grace of God, that doesn't happen often but it does. So if I seem distant, rude, less than entertaining... if I seem like a slacker... if I seem like I don't respond / answer / comment / participate... if you think I don't care... if it seems like my blog entries are boring or scarce... please know that it's not you, it's me. Please know that there are times that the words are gone.

Austin spent the day with the youth group on some outing. Sadly, I don't even know exactly where they went or what they are doing. He needed to be at the church at 7:45 - but since I had staff meeting this morning, I dropped him off at Bubba's at 7:15... I am supposed to pick him up around 8pm.... I checked deep enough to find out the time parameters and whether or not he needed money. I'll be there to pick him up. It was just something that I knew Bubba was handling and therefore I didn't need to add it to my stress list.

Work was busy and stressful. I'm really discouraged at work right now. Part of it is pride... part of it is frustration... I'm still stuck out in the lobby, and in a way it's a compliment in that Duane wants me to be the friendly face people see when they come through the door. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm back at "start"... back to being a receptionist... after seven years at my job, being licensed in two states, knowing more than just about anybody else in the office... I mean, it's sometimes ridiculous when I have to leave the "receptionist desk" to go answer questions for people in big cozy offices. That's a completely selfish perspective but it's how I feel. I'm not feeling the whole job satisfaction thing. I'm not making near the money I made before. Even when I sell stuff, the commission just isn't making the difference. I'm working hard... working Saturdays... trying to be positive and appreciative ... yes, I know that I'm lucky to have a job. I don't know where i'd be WITHOUT my job... but it still sucks that one bad relationship set me back so far in my career. It's just wrong.

And in that whole ... lack of job satisfaction / not being able to pay my bills on what I make / feeling like I've lost ground careerwise because of "one bad relationship"... it makes it really frustrating to put so much time and energy into work that I don't have time or energy for anything. else. in. life. I'm definitely having some quality of life issues! And that takes me back around to feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and trapped... what do I do? I'm trained to do what I'm trained to do... I'm living life on a bare bones budget... there's no room to cut corners, there ARE no corners... I'm praying that things don't get cut off or repo'ed or turned over to creditors... I'm praying to be able to pay doctor bills and keep my head above water and all along, I'm a bit bitter that I'm in the position I'm in... again, because of ONE BAD RELATIONSHIP. It's like it all heads back to that one grave mistake. Not in marrying Michael, that wasn't the mistake. The mistake was that FIRST date. Second date. The date after the first time he showed me what he's really made of. The date after the first time he made me cry. The date after the first time he told me my kids' cat was a deal breaker. The date after his kid was a brat and he let him be. The date after Michael punched my kid. It's not just about regrets... it's not about moving on... it's about the constant prison of consequences for allowing him access to my heart and life. It's about the prison of being afraid to ever give anyone else that kind of access. It's about the prison of having my skills and abilities taken for granted, not being appropriately compensated and not. having. the option to do anything else.

Again. I'm finding words... as long as I'm talking, you don't have to worry about me. When I stop talking, that's when it's hitting too deep for me to be able to function. So far, I'm functioning.

Tomorrow I go back to see the Oral Surgeon. Hopefully he'll have some miracle cure short of surgery to make this ear/jaw pain go away. Being in pain makes everything else seem so much more oppressive. It wears you down and wears you out. I don't want to be "that person" with the chronic pain issues... I'm too young for that! The really sad thing is that I'm excited about going to the doctor just because it means leaving work early. I SSSOOOO need a vacation!

Ok... time to hit save and get ready to go get Austin... Monday is almost over!

10 comments:

Peaceful Epiphany said...

PAIN...pain makes us go insane I tell ya.

More later,
Jen

Myra said...

Glad to hear you're in the place where you "have your words back". I hear you on the rest...you truly have so much to be thankful for, and though the rest still has yet to settle...baby steps. I don't have the answer, maybe you just do the best you can.

sheri said...

Oh how I hear what you are saying.
May 13th will be the one year anniversary of my divorce. The divorce that I thought would never happen..It wasn't supposed to happen. At my age, it was supposed to be the marriage that would see me to the end..
Now at my age, start all over again.
I have some good days and I have some bad days.
God will see you thru! You have that faith.
Your wounds haven't healed yet. But they will.
Sending good thoughts to you,
Sheri

rwdrake said...

Yes indeed you need a vacation!

You may also want to think about therapy. Not kidding. Part of the blue is chemical and the chemical is linked to the cognitive. So even if you don't want to be on medication, talking to a cognitive therapist can help you get to the place where the way you think can lead to different chemical processes.

You also need to find two outlets: 1 for joy and 1 for rage.

One of the benefits of being a hockey fan and going to the games is that you can yell your head off and everyone thinks your pretty much normal. It lets you exorcise (or perhaps exercise) the negative emotions and relieve some of that tension.

Finding a joyful activity is also good because it connects your body to your mind in a positive light.

Just thoughts.

LYN said...

HOPE TODAY IS BETTER...
I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE TOO..
THAT'S WHY I LOVE TO TEXT...
HANG IN THERE...

Michelle said...

Wow your ex sounds like he's related to my ex lol.

I'm sorry you are down in the dumps - keep writing when you can - even if you want to keep it private- its a great form of therapy.

I can relate to your experience - I have been where you are!

We're going through some rough times right now with custody issues and I feel like its the divorce all over again. It sucks the life out of you.

It will get better though - give it some more time! Things will improve in time.

I hope your ear/jaw gets better fast!!!

Love,

Michelle

sober white women said...

I hated starting over! But I did and I am a better person for it. You will make it, just take it one day at a time.
Kelli

moshell's lilbit of space said...

No comments....just prayers.

Tina said...

I wish I had seen this last night. Maybe I was meant to see it tonight because in so many ways, I am right were you are.

I don't know how much I am going to be able to blog about my feelings tonight. I feel like I could cut and paste a lot of your entry and then edit it some with the correct names...
do try to keep your chin up. pain sucks and can ruin all if allowed

just me said...

Your discription of the blue place you have been in is exactly what I have felt and haven't been able to verbalize. Thanks for putting it into words. Glad you are feeling some better.