My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Monday, April 20, 2009

laptop / money / turning 41

The laptop seems to be really down for the count this time. It's been revived 3-4 times before when I thought we were done for but I don't think it's gonna happen for us this time. It may be a month or so before I can get it repaired/replaced. In the meantime… I can post here but can't read email or get on facebook. It bothered me *only slightly* over the weekend. I've spent a lot of time coloring with my sharpie markers. I've made a ton of bookmarks.

I'm in my new office now with a door and window and everything. Haven't had our "green stuff" conversation yet. That was supposed to be Friday but didn't happen. I trust God's timing….

And I'm praying that child support shows up. Usually I get it every two weeks and it's been three weeks. This is the worst possible time for him to sketch out on me again. But it's also about that time again… he sketches out every couple of months "not getting any work" or whatever excuse he has. I guess he still hasn't figured out that his kid eats even if his dad doesn't work. Every time this happens I decide I'm going to go through child support recovery to collect on the many many thousands of dollars he owes me from all his "sketchy times" over the years. And then he pays and I get too busy to deal with it. I can guarantee you that even though it's been three weeks since he last paid that he'll pay two weeks worth of child support… that's how it always works with him.

We're nickel and diming our way through to next payday. I just get up every morning and ask that God provide "our daily bread". So far, so good! It's requiring careful planning but honestly, if I could learn to spend as carefully all the time, we'd be better off. Like with Kelli and her "no spending diet". I'm just trying to make good use of my resources.

I made a great casserole Saturday night - penne pasta, ground beef, ro-tel tomatoes, red and orange peppers and american cheese. This was stuff I had on hand. It made enough for 2 1/2 meals for us… and we ate until we were stuffed!

Today I have pintos in the crockpot and we'll have cornbread with 'em! Oddly, my child loves beans with fresh onion. He's easy. I bought a case of nutrigrain bars and a case of instant oatmeal back in February and we're able to use that for breakfast. I'm doing either leftovers or pb&j for lunch. I'm sorta proud of myself for being resourceful.

Interesting conversation with Barry via text Saturday night. I haven't really talked about him much lately because the situation is pretty much … as it has been forever… in a holding pattern. We were talking about my birthday - whether or not we could get together. (my birthday is on the 29th!) I'm not holding my breath.

I've had great birthdays over the past few years. Purple Michael and I took that fabulous bed and breakfast weekend for my 37th birthday… which still ranks among my most favorite trips in my whole life! Then there was Michael and the trip to Boston for my 38th birthday… and even though my other two birthdays with Michael were scaled down from the initial "bait and switch" of that weekend… Michael was always incredibly generous with me on birthdays. I'm grateful for those times with him.

I'm also grateful to be in a place now where I remember the pain/frustration much less and remember the good times more often. That can be tricky… that white hot anger kept me from missing him. Remembering good stuff makes me regret that we couldn't get the rest of it right. I would rather miss him than hate him. It's easier for me to forgive and feel an occasional sting than it is to remain bitter and angry.

Austin and I were talking about numbers in the bible and the fact that 40 is the number of testing/trial/tribulation. Whenever you see 40 - you know the people are "going through". Think about it - 40 years in the wilderness for the Israelites. Noah in the ark for 40 days. Jesus being tempted for 40 days.

So it was with 40 for me… it was a time of trial. I'm glad to be turning 41. I hope I'm past that time of trial. Not that bad things will never happen to me again - we should all be so lucky, right? I was praying about someone special and sort of whining before the Lord out of fear / uncertainty / hesitancy and God spoke so clearly to my heart and said, "I'll never let you be hurt like that again". Ok… let me clarify a bit… if I trust God and stay within His will for my life and don't try to put cart before horse and if I use what I've learned from the past three years.

Better post this and get my nose back to the grindstone. I need to sell something in the worst way! Love and hugs, y'all!

6 comments:

Allen Skipper said...

I've been 41 now for 9 months...it's not too bad! Lol...I like reading your blogs. I am gonna follow em.

Meg said...

The number 40 also means completion.

sober white women said...

That no spending diet has really helped me! LOL
Toinight we are having potatoe soup for dinner. Potatoes were on sale and ground beef were on sale this week, so we will be eating a lot of that!
Kelli

Becky said...

I love my 40's...of course now that I have been in the 40's for a few years now,,,,50's better be just as good if not better

sheri said...

I've been working on the no spending...It feels good most of the time.
My ex called this morning and left a message. He thought maybe we could get together for coffee. Late this afternoon he called and left a message stating that I was a gold digger..lol..I wrote him an e-mail thanking him for the nasty message and I would save it and listen to it every time I was feeling sad that our marriage ended.
Hope you have a prosperous week,
Sheri

rwdrake said...

Sheri: Perhaps you need to take the Ex to Starbucks, buy him the golden blend, and then point it out....

Heather...

Hmmm... Some laptops are now as cheap as $220 bucks. Worth considering.... unless really, the lights are going to go off, in which case let your friends the heck know so we can lend you a hand!

Now, for the part that will sound strange... I think, in fact, we all occasionally need to face minor to face minor to middle tragedies.

To do so does helps in two ways: first it keeps those muscles working for when the truly big stuff happens, and second without facing tragedy or pain, our depth of emotional field narrows. We have less total to feel and our finest hours lose their edge and things that should be satisfying become banal.

If everything were easy there would be no art to grace, and that would cheapen our very dignity.

For me, birthdays are deeply reflective, and while perhaps the day for you should be revelry city, it might be worth taking a moment to think about the critical point you've passed and whether you are serene in your space or need to challenges... and given your appreciation for the bible...

Happy is he that considereth the poor; HaShem will deliver him in the day of evil.

3 HaShem preserve him, and keep him alive, let him be called happy in the land; and deliver not Thou him unto the greed of his enemies.

4 HaShem support him upon the bed of illness; mayest Thou turn all his lying down in his sickness.

5 As for me, I said: 'O HaShem, be gracious unto me; heal my soul; for I have sinned against Thee.'

6 Mine enemies speak evil of me: 'When shall he die, and his name perish?'

7 And if one come to see me, he speaketh falsehood; his heart gathereth iniquity to itself; when he goeth abroad, he speaketh of it.

8 All that hate me whisper together against me, against me do they devise my hurt:

9 'An evil thing cleaveth fast unto him; and now that he lieth, he shall rise up no more.'

10 Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, who did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me.

11 But Thou, O HaShem, be gracious unto me, and raise me up, that I may requite them.

12 By this I know that Thou delightest in me, that mine enemy doth not triumph over me.

13 And as for me, Thou upholdest me because of mine integrity, and settest me before Thy face for ever.

14 Blessed be HaShem, the G-d of Israel, from everlasting and to everlasting. Amen, and Amen.

Seems appropriate for you, yes?