just a little touch of Whiny Wednesday

It’s never a good sign when your blender burns up while you’re trying to make your breakfast smoothie. It was louder than usual… and then it started smelling funny. I know blenders don’t last too long, especially the cheap ones. I’m grateful for the two months of service it gave us. Really, I am. Blenders and vacuums don’t last long in my house. Not sure why (Austin).

I had to remember to bring my chest xrays with me this morning to give to the pulmonologist. It takes too long to type pulmonologist so we will be referring to him by name from this point on – Dr. Brown. To make sure I didn’t forget the xrays, I put them on the floor in front of my bedroom door, with the assumption that if I had to trip over them, I wouldn’t be able to overlook them. I bet you’re thinking I forgot them… aren’t you? No. I didn’t. That wasn’t the point of this paragraph. Stubby the 3legged Wondercat MOVED the xrays… I heard a rustling sound and that durn cat was pushing the xrays out of the doorway with his head… moved them halfway across the bedroom. So I moved them to the back door… he seemed satisfied with that. I don’t know why it bothered him for them to be on the floor in my room… maybe because he thinks that’s his room and because all of his “toys” congregate there in the middle of my floor. Last night he was playing with the cap off a bottle of conditioner. I suppose he thinks my toys are silly too…. Remote control… laptop…

I dreamed last night that my car overheated in the parking lot of an Autozone and that Michael was there but wouldn’t help. Anyone want to take a Freudian stab at that one? In the dream Michael wouldn’t give me his cellphone number so I kept trying to call his old number. Then Verizon called to see if I wanted cellphone records of Michael’s last 8 months of phone calls. Really, really not. (I have purposed to know as little about his life as possible – although I do ask Stephen how he and Bobby are from time to time) Then they told me that my old cellphone I had while I was married to Michael was no longer in service. I thanked them and told them I was relieved. I don’t know why this was on my mind last night other than the anxiety about the appointment with Dr. Brown today. When I feel like my life is out of control, I frequently have this dream where I’m in high school and I’ve forgotten my locker combination or lost my schedule. I guess the “abandoned by my husband in my time of need” dreams will be new pattern.

I am anxious. Not in the “bad things are gonna happen” sense. I’m anxious in the sense of “Please God let this man have a solution”. I don’t care what’s in my lungs as long as it’s benign and dormant. It’s the coughing, being out of breath and feeling like there’s an elephant on my chest that I can’t deal with…. And the sore throat… and being hoarse… I just want there to be an answer. Easy and painless and cheap answer. I have my notebook ready… listing all the symptoms, diseases, treatments, etc that I’ve had ever in my life… from the bronchitis I had in ninth grade to the removal of “that thing on my head” last fall to every single pill they’ve prescribed me for this round of bronchitis. I have the lab reports and radiology reports …. All neatly bound in a white three ring binder.

My sad little tire needed a little air this morning so I stopped in the drizzling rain and took care of that… some “alone on the planet” individuals had parked in front of the air pump so I had to do all kinds of crazy yoga positions to do it… but I did. Got my hands a little dirty… but that never hurts, right? I did miss the smoothie… and the extra tire pumping time wiped out any hope of grabbing breakfast somewhere… but Theresa had an uneaten fruit and yogurt parfait in the fridge that she donated to my cause… and I’m having some stale powdered donuts to get the carbs flowing. My mind is not here today, that’s for sure. I’ll work until 1:30 and then grab lunch, stop by the imaging center for copies of my CT scans and then go see Dr Brown. Sounds friendly enough, right?

I saw Angie while I was driving to work this morning. That’s always a good sign for me. She drives west while I drive east… down the same little stretch of highway… so our paths cross often. She takes Sarabeth to school. Jim takes Jamie. It’s hard to miss Angie in her big, white Cadillac that was handed down to her from her grandma. She has a big tag hanging from the rearview mirror that indicates what child she is picking up from the carpool line at the elementary school. I’m probably harder to spot in my nondescript little Nissan. Usually I’m praying and watching for stupid driver tricks – like sudden braking – failure to yield – you can be lulled into a sort of peaceful driving coma on these scenic country roads. I’m always on the lookout for some random future road kill… deer… skunks… bunnies… My friend Natalie has been having trouble with bears getting into her trash can. You never know what you’re gonna come across up here!

I’ll try to update via twitter to facebook whenever I’m finished this afternoon. Hopefully I’ll be finished in time to have dinner at church at 5pm… Sarabeth was trying to come up with a logistical plan for me to be able to make it to dinner in time. “Can you… come have dinner first and THEN go get Austin?” She’s such a problem solver. Even at six… being the firstborn of firstborns… she’s going to do great things in her life. To make it to dinner on time I have to be finished in Gainesville no later than 4:30.

Anyways… hope you all have a great day… love and hugs!