My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Friday, October 28, 2011

giant conglomeration of frustration

I am exhausted. Mentally and emotionally and physically drained. I have been on the  verge of tears for days yet... I haven't cried. I'm just moving forward, faking it, pretending to be present but not really. I'm discouraged with the limitations I have. My life has ground down to just work and home and I'm not pleased with the state of either right now. It hurts to move. It hurts to sit. It hurts to sleep. I have an appointment with a surgeon next week. Not for my back, although I will definitely ask his opinion on that. On the other thing I mentioned earlier in the week. I'm feeling the pressure to get things taken care of before the calendar year ends and my deductible resets. I hurt so bad at times that I think my doctors must be savages to allow a patient to suffer so much. I feel like there has to be something. Anything. Something they can do. I understand how people become addicted to illegal drugs to alleviate pain, if they hurt like I do. Not that I will / would ever do anything illegal. I keep my illegal activities to things like speeding and not often with that. Austin is still sick. I'm sick. I need to go back to my primary care doctor to get something for the junk that I'm coughing up but I don't have time to be away from the office. I need a break. I need to just walk away from the pain for... even just an hour... a day... a couple of days... to do the things I want and need to do. Sometimes I get rebellious and do things I want to do even though I know it will hurt. And then I spend the next day barely able to move. My dad is sick. I'm worried about him. I won't go into details because it's not my story to tell. When I say "worry" I mean in the sense of praying for him... just like with a friend who is facing heartbreaking circumstances... they are often on my mind which means they're often in my prayers.  Austin just told me that his phone (which is a pay as you go phone) "resets" today. Last time it "reset" it automatically drafted out of both of my accounts - both the child support account and my primary bank account even though I had not authorized this. Both accounts were refunded but it took several days. If it does that today, it will take all that I have left to get me through until payday on Tuesday... so I have to go by an atm on the way to work and withdraw cash from both. He will be without his phone for the weekend but that's just the way it has to be. Food or phone? Although, frankly, I've been eating cereal for dinner this week and I'm quite happy with that. Fruit and oatmeal for breakfastSomething from a restaurant for lunch (subway/zaxby's/sonic/taco bell/thai) and then cereal for dinner. I don't have much of an appetite. You wouldn't know it to look at me. I look like I've been on a year long eating binge. I haven't. I've just been a lab rat for a group of doctors who apparently don't know how to make me better and keep giving me different pharmaceuticals to try to fix me... but instead they're just making me morbidly obese. I attempted yesterday a couple of times to open up to people and they changed the subject without really listening. People don't seem to hear me any more. When they say, "how are you?" If your answer is anything longer than "fine"... they don't listen. Nobody wants to hear it. I've become that person that people look past. I let this be one giant difficult to read paragraph because that's how it feels in my mind... like one giant conglomeration of frustration that is sometimes just too much.

At least it's Friday.


Nelishia said...

Dear Heather;

I hear your frustration and how everything that has to be done is done through extremely chronic pain. Pain makes you see everything differently. I live with it every single day so I know the voice of it when I hear it in your writing. I pray that you find one knowledgeable Neurosurgeon who will take on your case and operate before your deductible resests. It's almost impossible to function with this level of pain going on. I'm so sorry you are living like this. After all you've gone through, you deserve a quality of life and to be happy. I am going to pray that some help comes to you very soon. This has been going on to long. Bless your heart. Gentle hugs.

Jess Miller said...

Oh my Heather, I am so sorry you have to suffer. I do not have chronic pain just emotional pain...don't know which is worse. My hugs and prayers to you always. Love you.