Wednesday, October 19, 2011
It's Whiny Wednesday and it's best that I write these kind of blog entries before I get woke up good... sort of get it out of my system and then shake it off.
I'm tired. There's a lot of inflammation in my body right now. Rain doesn't help... and it's rained for most of the past 12 hours, it seems. I'm not sure how much of the last 12 hours because I slept for a big chunk of that time. But I hurt.
The new meds I started last night did help me sleep... I think.
Austin cooked dinner last night - yellow rice and grilled chicken. He gave me a ton of attitude yesterday afternoon. He wanted to go grocery shopping when I got off of work. See... we normally go on the weekend but since we didn't get child support, there was no money for groceries so we had to wait until I got paid, which was Monday. Monday I had to be at work early for staff meeting, spent my lunch hour running errands and had to absorb extra work for my vacationing coworker. I was worn slap out.
Yesterday I had to leave the house super early so I could go by and get a cup of coffee (we were completely out) and deodorant (out of that as well), pick up my prescriptions and be at the tag office when they opened so that I could get my handicapped tag. (which was depressing) without missing too much work. I spent my lunch, once again, running errands. I absorbed extra work again/still AND it was pouring rain when I left work. I knew that there was no way I was going to feel like going back out once I got soaked to the skin walking to my car... so I stopped by the Dollar General and picked up soda (because for Austin, running out of coke is like running out of AIR) and a few things that would carry us through another day. He was FURIOUS when I got home and he figured out we weren't going grocery shopping. I mean... STEAMING MAD.
I told him to call his dad and express his frustration. If his dad had done what he was supposed to do... we would have gone shopping on the weekend just like I need to do to be able to have the strength and energy to do it. He didn't have his dad's number. I said, "then call your brother, get your dad's number and call him". He continued to storm around, slamming doors and carrying on until I finally said, "if you don't like the way things are going here you are WELCOME to go live somewhere else". That shut him up.
We can get by without child support. It's difficult. It involves stress and careful budgeting and sacrifice. It means we eat a lot more beans and rice and a lot less steak and potatoes. I'm ok with that. I could live on cereal. Austin, however, thinks he deserves to have a buffet available so that anything he has a whim to eat is there for him. I can't afford that right now. He LOVES tomato soup and ramen noodles. He just wants me to always have a full pantry of options available all the time.
I guess the most disappointing thing is that I'm struggling so hard this week (and last week and the week before) with pain and exhaustion and Austin has no comprehension of what it takes out of me just to be able to go to work every day. I want him to *get it*. I want him to understand that when I say no to something he wants - whether it's grocery shopping or whatever - that it's not "I don't care about your wants and needs" it's "I'm physically unable to do that right now".
Something as simple as buying soda for him causes horrible pain for me... it hurts my hands to grip the soda bottle, it causes muscle spasms in my back whenever I lift anything that is too heavy for me (and a two liter soda bottle is too heavy). It felt like a huge sacrifice and I was so proud that I went out of my way to stop and pick up soda for him IN THE RAIN and he was so nasty about "Gaah. Is this all we have to eat? " He loves yellow rice. He pronounced dinner the best he had in a long time. He wasn't starving. He was just not getting his way.
I guess, that's the thing about living with chronic pain that most people don't get. Just barely meeting the standards of normal, every day life is a huge ordeal for me. Things that people see as average, like working a full day of work, takes every ounce of strength I have. I seem like a slacker because all I do is work and nest.... but the truth is ... I feel like I'm conquering Mount Everest every time I make it through a full work week. You have no idea.
In the best of circumstances Austin wouldn't have empathy. I'm trying to teach him to see beyond his wants and needs (and soda falls under the "wants" category in my mind) and to understand what a huge physical sacrifice I have made - am making - every day to be the ONLY PARENT who is consistently providing food and shelter for him. I'm the one that stayed... I'm the one that bears the brunt of his attitude.
So that's my Whiny Wednesday topic. It happened on Terrible Tuesday again but it's still heavy on my heart this morning... feeling like I can't please anyone. There's just not enough of me. Makes me... mad, actually. Not sad. Makes me mad at his dad for not coming through. Makes me mad that he doesn't have his dad's phone number OR the kind of relationship where he could call his dad and vent his frustrations at him, where they deserve to go. Makes me mad that his dad doesn't do the right thing. Makes me mad that raising these kids on my own left me carrying a load too heavy for me for the past 12 years that has left me physically broken.
Ok... time to get this out of my system... shake my nasty poor me attitude and face the sun with a smile. It's going to be another long day.
Posted by Heather at 5:32 AM