My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

discouraged/encouraged

I'm discouraged.
There. I said it.
I don't doubt God's presence, ability, love, providence...
I don't doubt that He has this all covered...
My body is tired. My soul is weary.
My physical limitations are frustrating.
Pain is a distraction. A constant distraction.
The missed grocery trip over the weekend has left me picking up one little bag of groceries at a time all week which has added to my chores, lengthened my day and even that one little bag is difficult to carry.
My legs are weak again today.
I don't feel like any medical professionals involved in my care are really involved. And I don't think you could use the word "care" to describe the treatment I've received.
I cried the whole way to work yesterday. I cried the whole way home.
I forgot to pick up my prescriptions and have to add that to my day today.
I have to get gas this morning.
These are minor things but they are overwhelming.
When your live grinds down to how many steps you have to take just for basic needs... you learn to economize those steps.
I count the hours until I can be back in my nest.
I'm eating less because I haven't been able to bear to stand and cook.
I'm really struggling.
At work... I drink hot tea all day to keep from losing my voice... I've done this for years, wherever I've worked. I am struggling to carry the cup full of hot tea from the microwave back to my desk. It's only a few steps.
I know... I can feel it... how very "over it"... my co-workers are.
I'm a burden. I hate feeling like a burden.
I wish I wasn't single so there was someone to help... but I'm so glad I'm single so I don't have to carry the guilt of inconveniencing anyone else.
People... all over the place... live with much more incapacitating issues and complain far less.
So I feel guilty for complaining.
I thought to myself yesterday... "I'm going to just pretend that I'm one hundred percent normal and not even limp... "
It didn't work.
I was feeling useless.
Then, yesterday morning, something reminded me that my friend Pam (the sweet lady who took me for my last injection) was burying her grandmother that day. I remember how absolutely heartbroken I was when my grandmother died 11 years ago... I don't remember much from her funeral, to be honest. I was in a fog. To make it worse, I had a violent stomach virus the day of her visitation and missed that.
Pam has been sick with respiratory stuff.
Grandma's funeral was going to be in Demorest in the middle of the day.
It was close enough that I could easily go on my lunch break.
My co-workers encouraged me to go.
I didn't get to talk to Pam but she knew I was there.
I got to sit with my sweet friend Emily who recently lost a loved one. This might have been her first funeral since the last heartbreaking one she went to.
The pew was the old fashioned kind... the hard wooden bench with a tiny thin cushion.
It hurt to sit on... but... as I was sitting there and praying over Pam and her sweet family... I clearly felt a validation in my heart that said, "this is my purpose for you. this is where you're supposed to be"...
And I believe I have the wisdom to understand that... whatever else I do in my life... no matter how successful I am at work... no matter how clean my house is... how empty my refrigerator is... no matter what else I am physically able to accomplish... I care.
God gave me the ability to care.
I didn't do anything else for the family. I didn't get to hug their necks. I didn't send flowers. I didn't even go to the graveside service because my lunch hour was almost over.
But I was there.
And I think... ultimately... whatever strength I have in my physical body... because in my (almost) 43 years here on earth I have felt emotional pain, I am able to empathize with people who are feeling that pain.
And now, I am able to empathize with people in physical pain, even though my light and momentary troubles are so minor in comparison to what some are going through.
My friend Angie has a sick child and three well ones that she's caring for on her own... is feeling overwhelmed.
My friend Linda is watching her father go through the final stages of Alzheimers. The end is very near.
My friend Jen has a sick little girl and is going through a lot of stuff, facing her own physical limitations.
My friend Sarah is facing a "unhappily ever after" much like mine... where the person she married ended up not being who she thought he was.
My friend Deb is recovering from a painful surgery.
Some former church members are burying their young son this weekend. He was killed in the line of duty .
And on and on and on... suffering is not unique to me.
I can survive this and I will survive this. I'm starting to understand that my life, at least for the near future, is going to be difficult. It's not my first rodeo. I can do this.
And so... although I am discouraged... I am not giving up. I'm just gearing up for whatever lies ahead.
They moved the tv schedule around and The Office (one of my favorites) doesn't come on during the six o'clock hour any more. It was my usual habit to watch it right after work, during dinner. Instead... I've been going to www.Godtube.com and watching inspirational videos, preaching, teaching, singing, etc.
Yesterday I was watching Beth Moore's teaching on the book of Daniel. Daniel was a strong, young man who, with some of his friends, was held captive in a strange land. If you're a Christian, you know that you are not destined for this world... this is just our temporary home. Here are a few phrases that I picked up:

The enemy wants to get it through our heads that we have made no progress at all.
We are captive for this season, to a world to which we have temporarily been assigned.

And I realize... that this brief captivity that I'm experiencing... in a body that isn't working the way I need it to... isn't the final answer for me. And so... with that in mind...
I'm encouraged.

2 comments:

Lisa said...

i have some major life destroying medical issues going on that are ruining my life that i never ever talk about online....and i want you to know a few things.

first off..this is your blog. Do not ever apologize for your feelings. If you need to write about pain, write about pain. You are not living your life for ANYONE else....you have to take care of YOU.. no one, NO ONE else will. I can understand many things you write about....the pain and the feeling that the medical people do not care or not helping as much as you need them to. This can be so overwhelming that you can feel as if life is just too much. Plus, having to work FT and be responsible for bills, food, a vehicle and everything else that goes with life can make a person half crazy. Realize that you are deserving of being OUT of pain, of being able to live a NORMAL life and to have happiness, peace, and moments of joy. I wish you all the luck in the world.

lisa

Heather said...

Thank you so much Lisa! THAT was a huge encouragement to me!
*hugs*
Heather