ugh. next step...

Soooo... this morning while I was in the shower my legs felt all rubbery and shaky... it took me a few minutes to flash back and realize that I had bent myself in an unusual position trying to unclog the drain... at the time I thought, "wow... this is probably not a great idea"... but there's something about clearing a clogged drain that makes me feel all empowered and independent... when I went to step OUT of the shower, my leg wouldn't support my weight. I didn't fall all the way down but I definitely was thankful for my freakish flexibility. (and they said that cheerleading wouldn't help me in my adult life! ha!)

Afterwards... I could barely make my legs work. It feels like my thighs are completely numb and my legs are made of lead. I went on in to work... it's a little unnerving to drive because I don't feel the same connection with the pedals that I normally do... but I thought, if I could at least get to the office, do the tasks that are specific to me and answer any emails, etc... then get in touch with the Pain Clinic to see what the next step is.

I called the Pain Clinic and left a message... two hours later they called back and said, "it could be the nerve block medication... discontinue that and keep your appointment on the 15th for the next spinal injection. If symptoms persist for the next 24 hours, call back". Um... ok... but... if I quit taking the one medication I'm taking for pain, what do I take instead? And.... I called last week and was postponed with a "we'll try to fit you in"...

The Pain Clinic has done pretty much nothing but cause me pain. Seriously.

So the nurse took my concerns back to the doctor and he said that he couldn't see me this week... he couldn't really treat me for the muscle weakness, if it was a nerve problem - and it looks like it is - I need to see a neurosurgeon.

I'm just so frustrated with being a medical hot potato. It's like... they drag me along pretending that they can help me and then - really - they aren't the right doctor in the first place. Regular doctor for kidney infection. Urologist for kidney stone. Back to regular doctor for spinal problems. Physical therapist. Pain specialist. Neurosurgeon. If someone - anyone - had been really paying attention and attempted to give me thorough, reasonable medical care, the kind of medical care I've paid for (well, me and my insurance company) I would have seen a neurosurgeon two months ago before we played with the urologist, physical therapist and pain clinic. And before we PAID the urologist, physical therapist and pain clinic.

Can you tell I'm OVER it?

And... so here I am... the Neurosurgeon has a waiting list (of course) and can't see me until April 18th. They want me to go ahead with the next injection... which I'm still looking for a ride to... and which will cost me a hundred bucks out of pocket... only to turn around and pay who knows how much to see a neurosurgeon.

And you know what really gets on my nerves? I have to fill out another one of those college entrance exam patient packets for the neurosurgeon. RI-DONK-ULOUS. Let them just get the info from the last guy. And who knows what kind of poking and prodding and nuking they're gonna do to me. If I had done absolutely NOTHING on January 18th when this all first started, if I had not seen a single doctor at all... I'd be a couple thousand dollars richer (between what I've paid out, what I owe, what I've missed in work)... and yeah, I'd still hurt but I hurt now and I've lost so much time and money trying to get well. And gained weight.

I honestly believe that it's going to take me simply waking up one day and being completely and totally incapacitated for one of these clowns to actually treat me instead of just jerk me around and take my hard earned money. And after what happened this morning, that's what I really believe is going to happen. It's only getting worse. It's never eased up and never gotten better. In three months... just so frustrating.

Of course... the pain clinic did suggest that I could go to the ER and be treated right away. Yes. That's exactly what I want. To have to drive myself to an ER and leave my child to party hearty with his loser friends while I'm wasting away begging someone to realize that my back is NOT working RIGHT.

Ok. That's it. End of pity party for today. Resting my spine for the rest of the day and fully expecting to drag myself back to the office tomorrow and suck it up for another 8 hours. By the grace of God.