whiny wednesday

Yesterday I read a verse that really struck my heart... it's in Jeremiah chapter 12... and it's only the last half of the verse that made me do the Scooby "baroooo?"... or like my granddog Sammy when you say, "wanna go play with the girls?" and he cocks his head to the side so he can hear better. (the girls are my parents dogs next door)... I just saw myself all over this verse and so I wrote it on my hand to remember it. This morning when I was all bleary eyed and thinking about what to blog about... I remembered... Here's the part of the verse that stopped me in my tracks;

you are always on their lips but far from their hearts. (verse 2)

Ouch. Don't let that be me. That was my very first reaction. I want to do more than talk a good game. I want to live it. I want my heart to be transformed to be His and only His. I've struggled with it. I've grown weary at times in my journey and decided to wander off on little trails and paths that were not the ones He had chosen for me. I even boldly said to a gentleman friend, "if you want to love me, you have to go through Him to get to my heart"... and then I lived out a reality that was completely different.

That's the problem with being articulate. You know how to say the right thing... but you're no better than anyone else at living the right way.

Yesterday was a struggle. My pulse is still racing. I'm dizzy. It scares me ... even though my mom said she has suffered through the same thing... I haven't. It's new for me. Fortunately they did a baseline EKG on me during my regular check up last Summer so they knew at the doctors office that a pulse over 125 wasn't normal for me. I have to have my regular doctor check my pulse and blood pressure again tomorrow. In the meantime... I'm just trying to live as normal as possible.

Oddly... but not really... I had two very sweet saints email me yesterday to see how I was doing. You know, the kind of people who tell you they will pray for you and actually do it. The kind of people who say, "how are you?" and listen to your answer. It's not a rhetorical statement with them. They really want to know. And for me.... there was reassurance in knowing that He is burdening people to pray for me... rallying the troops.

I try to be that person... I try to make sure that when I say, "I'm praying for you"... it's not just a platitude... that it's my real attitude. Nothing beats suffering for teaching you to pray without ceasing. There were moments yesterday when I was so dizzy and in so much pain that I was praying that I wouldn't pass out... forget just being able to work... I was trying to just be able to sit up and function. I couldn't leave work because I wouldn't have been able to drive. And... although I will admit to being a big ole drama queen... the last thing I want or need is one of those expensive taxis... you know the kind with the flashing red lights? I want to be in control.

That's the real problem with this whole thing for me. I have such a huge need for independence... mostly because there's never been anyone in my life that I could really trust to be there for me. There are lots of awesome people in my life, don't get me wrong... but they are busy... too busy to take on my load. I just want to be able to do everything for myself. But yesterday... when I got home from work... I crawled into my bed and other than an hour or so of quickly catching up my online games while reclined all the way back... I stayed in bed until this morning. I fixed a quick pb & banana sandwich for dinner because I was too unsteady to cook... there's no way I would have called anyone and said, "hey, can you drop everything and come feed me?" Nothing brings me to tears faster than not being able to take care of myself. It's pathetic.

But yesterday was awesome for Austin. The older boys from church got together to hunt each other with paint ball guns. Austin has wanted to do this for as long as I can remember. He begged for a paint ball gun when he was little but... I mean, this is the kid who is missing the "that might not be a good idea" part of his brain... so the last thing I wanted to do was give him a weapon of mass destruction. I always promised him he could have one when he turned 13. But... at 13 I was married to Michael and he was strictly anti-gun ... and so I had to break that promise. Since then there hasn't been time or money or opportunity for such... but yesterday... he got to live out his dream. He was on a cloud when he got home last night. It's such a simple thing but it was such a blessing to me that he got to do that... and that there was a sweet Christian boy willing to bring him home.

In other news...

I have an inability to see a video of a tornado on tv without saying, "auntie em! auntie em!" It's fortunate that nobody can hear me because it sounds like I'm not concerned with the people who are going thru those tornadic tragedies... It's a reflex...

I am looking for a good pair of black ballet flats. I found some really cute sketchers black casual flats that would go with most of my summer dresses for work. I'm probably going to buy online so I don't have to drive into civilization to get them. SO... if anyone was looking for a birthday present idea for me... amazon.com gift certificates... LOL!

When I grow up I want to be an air traffic controller so I can sleep on the job.

Just kidding... there are lots of jobs where you can sleep... mine is not one of them.

I think the world needs more sequins... I love the costumes on dancing with the stars and I think I'd sell more if I was wearing sequins. I think we'd all be happier if we were in sequins.

And a hat. I wish I had lived in the time period when everyone wore hats. I just feel more complete with a hat.

I haven't sent out any cards in the past few days... been too out of sorts... I'm planning to get some out today. Oh... I did send one birthday card... other than that... I'm falling down on the job.

Austin is already up.

Ok... I think that's it.

I hope you have a blessed day... and that God is not only on your lips, but also in your heart.

Love and hugs.