My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tuesday rambling

I think I'm getting back into the swing of blogging. Yay again for my new laptop! I started feeding the piggy bank so there's money for the next one... maybe this one will last until I save enough.

Austin greeted me with the news that he and Tasha had their first kiss today. *screaming* I said, "Oh! You can't tell mommy these things!". He really REALLY needs to spend some time with his dad and grandparents this summer instead of being unsupervised with "baby girl" (his term) two streets away. I finally got his dad on the phone today and he is not able to have Austin for the first week after school gets out. I said, "YOU call Austin and tell him". He acts like it's soooo much trouble for him to work and have Austin. I call that... Tuesday. I mean... he's 15. It's not like he has to take him to the potty or anything. Gurgle. Gurgle. Gurgle. The sound of me drowning from the solo responsibility of raising this kid.

Stubby is still sort of whiny. I'm not sure what's going on with him but he's clingy and seems to be favoring his stub more. I got him a new brand of food today... I know it's goofy but if I like comfort food, surely the cat does too, right?

I made the best roast EVER today in the crockpot. Dales seasoning sauce, soy sauce, a little white vinegar, butter, onions, potatoes, garlic... Austin's favorite part is the onion. Go figure.

I finally put away my clean laundry from Saturday. So glad to be single.

Ok. Not totally glad to be single. Today is 8 months. I was a bit teary today. It still hurts. I wonder if it always will. I am not bitter. I do not hate him. I have forgiven him. I have moved on with my life. I count my blessings every day but it. still. hurts. When we talked a few weeks ago he described his relationship with Andrea as "she helped me out of my marriage and I helped her out of hers". Like I was some disease he needed a cure for... or that he was trapped and needed to escape... or that an otherwise intelligent, mature man could not manage his marriage, or the ending of it, without destroying the lives of others. It's surreal to me still.

I created this "which came first the chicken or the egg" conundrum for myself today. Am I still hurting like this because I'm still single/lonely OR am I still single because I'm still hurting. Let me know if you figure it out. I think the hardest thing for me right now is this feeling that this is a wound that will never heal. I have a hard time staying focused on eating healthy or losing weight because ... why bother? Any man that would only be attracted to me if I was slimmer is someone that I couldn't trust, if physical beauty is so important... what would happened if I were disfigured in an accident? Do I want to risk shallow and conditional affection again? Never.

I don't think I'll ever get over the comment when I had the bad mammogram last year, "great. we're married less than a year and I have to deal with a wife with cancer." It wasn't cancer, by the grace of God. But our marriage was terminal.

Change of subject.

I'm excited about the new show Glee but I think it is poooooor planning to show the premier and then not show another episodes for months. It just seems risky and almost makes me NOT want to watch it because I don't want to deal with the suspense.

I'm camped out on Fox for the whole evening... TMZ... American Idol... Glee. I'm such a couch potato!

I'm seriously considering chopping off all of my hair again. Even when it's curly it still reaches halfway down my back. I'm just ready for something different. Sarabeth got herself a cute little summer bob. Jamie likes hers longer... so they don't look like irish twins right now. I've been doing some hairstyle research.

Ok... time for TMZ... have a great evening. Love and hugs, y'all!

2 comments:

MusicalMarie said...

My mom made roast today too! Only she just used water, carrots, and onion in hers. Yours sounds much more interesting.

Mary said...

Being single and still hurting are two separate things . . . as you heal, the hurting will lessen . . . when you are ready, you'll no longer be single. It's just not time yet.

I love cooked onions in the crockpot, too.

I haven't put my clean laundry away from Saturday either. or Friday. or Thursday . . . you get the picture . . .