My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

answering some of your questions...

Yes. I have health insurance. It has a $2500 deductible which, thank the Lord, I have not met this year.... thus... any medical expenses will be out of pocket.

No. I do not qualify for any medical assistance. I'm what is known as "the working poor"... I make too much money to qualify for anything... yet not really enough money to have any decent quality of life... to be able to afford vacations or luxuries like doctor visits or savings accounts.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just saying. It is what it is.

Someone asked about the granulomas in my lungs... basically, they're scar tissue from previous illesses... they look on an xray like a bunch of grapes... there are two main clusters of them, they are both in my left lung... and when I'm healthy they don't cause any problems. When my lungs are irritated or inflammed... they make it worse than it would be in an otherwise healthy lung. They predispose me to illness... something I did NOT know until last year, although I knew I got sick easily. They do not compromise my lung capacity UNLESS I'm sick. And when I'm sick, they just make it more difficult for me to heal. The medical response is to pump me full of steroids to combat the inflammation which... adds about 20 pounds every time I take them... so... I just try to tough it out. OR... I'm given antibiotics regardless of the etiology of the illness *just in case* it's something that could turn into pneumonia. SO... it's not as if they don't know what's wrong with me... I just reject the recommended treatment. There's another cyst in my sinuses that affects dental issues and such... and there is also similar scar tissue in my kidneys. None of this is life threatening... just makes it easier for me to get infections.

And... I suppose... in the long run... all of that makes me a bit of a pain in the rear for anyone who might want to spend time with me... and that bums me out a little.

You know how they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince? It's looking like I've kissed another frog. I don't really know what happened... Next Guy/David/Frog was such a nice guy... he said all the right things... it's like he really understood that I was emotionally battered in my last romantic endeavor and he promised he would never hurt me.

It's ten days later and guess what? He has hurt me.

He just pulled away... without explanation. The sweet emails and phone calls and texts... dried up. No explanation. Just. Done. And... I guess... on my part... it's hard to date someone who is battling a raging case of bronchitis and too exhausted to do much of anything. BUT ... I pushed... and last Sunday I spent several enjoyable hours with him... and Tuesday, I came home from work sick as a dog but I fixed dinner for him... and never let him know how bad I felt. I wanted to hang out with him Thursday but he just didn't seem real enthusiastic about it and it was his daughter's birthday. And. Well. That was it. I think he intended to come over last night but I told him not to. Because... well... honestly... in a week we had gone from, "I'll take you out somewhere" to... "I'll stop by after work". And I just couldn't go from treasure to afterthought in that short amount of time.

I don't know what I expected... but I do know I was starting to have flashbacks of the hours and hours of not knowing where Michael was... of not being privvy to information like when he would be home from work... and I just knew it was too early for me to be feeling like a pest or a burden.

We knew this wouldn't be easy, didn't we?

And... I know that God has a way of clearing the fields in my life before they get overgrown. When things happen that defy logic... I know they have to do with faith. And although it grows increasingly difficult for me to believe in happily ever after for ME... I still have faith that God will have me where He wants me to be... and that a few tears that I shed from confusion and the sense of abandonment by someone with whom I have only a loose attachment... is far better than the devastation of losing someone I genuinely love.

So it's been quiet and lonely here today... but I've been able to medicate (trying mucinex for those who suggested it... and although it makes me feel icky and brings up a bunch of junk... at least it's coming up and out) and meditate... and I managed to run the most important errands... but I did not... weigh in. Because... well... it was going to be close... and I knew that my heart was a little bruised already and I couldn't take the disappointment (if there was any) of not losing today.

December. Dang it. Why do you always have to suck? Why can't I... just once... be happy, healthy and I don't know... in love?

Maybe we'll have some snow...

2 comments:

sheri said...

Sorry things didn't work out. The bright side is that you didn't invest months before finding out that it wasn't going to go where you would have liked.
I wish I could give you the snow that we are supposed to get hit with tonight..
Sheri

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Heather. What is it they say?? Good things come to those who wait. Some of us just have to wait longer than others.

greality