Happy Birthday Jesus... sorry your party is so lame.

"Happy Birthday Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame." - Michael Scott, The Office.

I love that line. If you haven't seen the show... their office Christmas party doesn't turn out like Michael wants... and in disappointment he utters that line.

With all the "Happy Holidays" and "Merry Xmas"... protests against the spiritual side of what is... a holy day, not a holiday... at least for me. (And... I will consent that the "X" in "xmas" can be acceptable as the X was once a symbol of Christianity but... many people use it to intentionally discard the Christ from Christmas).

I've been really honest about my dark Decembers. There hasn't been a truly happy Christmas for me since 2005 and... well... that's partly my fault. I mean... I can't control what others do to me but I can control my response. I can't control (not entirely, anyways) my health... but I can control my attitude. I have limited control over my financial situation but I can prioritize better. Ultimately... isn't it really about what's in your heart? The thought that counts? Isn't that what we say?

On my second date with David he asked me to spend Christmas with him. I teared up... out of relief... the thought of having someone to share what has become a difficult day for me... someone who was equally as lonely at the holidays... it was... emotionally moving for me. Of course... I guess those plans have changed. And... I know it will be ok. And I pray that he has a beautiful Christmas day and feels loved and treasured.

It's hard for single people at the holidays... there's Christmas with no one to make you feel special... then there's New Years - who do you kiss at midnight?... and then Valentine's Day. I mean... it's a triple threat of Singles Awareness. And for single parents, especially... not to polish my own halo or anything, but it's a tough and often thankless job. Stretching the budget enough to make beautiful Christmas memories for your kids, trying to give them the kind of Christmas that kids from two-parent households enjoy. And waking up on Christmas morning without anything under the tree for you...

Truly... Christmas shouldn't be about the gifts but isn't that where the emphasis ultimately ends up? It's all about the shopping and wrapping and "what did you get?". Please, blog readers, do me a favor... don't ask people what they got for Christmas, especially if they're single. It's so discouraging to say, "nothing".

Although, truth be told, the emphasis for me has shifted from Christmas Day to Christmas Eve... when my extended family gets together and we open gifts. Last year I was so blessed and spoiled. It was a profitable Christmas. Christmas Day was lonely... but it was peaceful.

I've talked a lot about expectations and how they lead to disappointment. I've purposed to not expect much this year and to appreciate whatever blessings come... because they do come. This year, like the past few years, I just want to feel better. I want to have the strength to go to work... to church... to see friends... to do more than just stay in the nest.

I guess what I'm saying... I need to not let this month, this season, this time of the year and this time of my life be so lame. God is preparing me for bigger things. God has sustained me and blessed me and held me throughout this time of transition. He has loved me unconditionally and He truly is my Savior. I need to do more than survive, I need to celebrate who He is to me.

It's time for me to glam and try to get in an honest day's work. Pray for me... It's hard to move, I haven't slept well for several days, I'm exhausted and just a little weepy, I'm sure because I'm weary and frustrated. I'm working hard at keeping my focus where it needs to be... and making this Christmas not so lame.

Love and hugs!

BTW... my weight is up 5.5 pounds since last week... and that has me incredibly discouraged. I hate to take antibiotics... I'm not eating more, I'm staying on plan and the weight still goes up. Humbug.