what a girl wants... what a girl needs

You know... I'm glad I waited. I'm glad... so glad... that I took a good long two year break from any relationships with men to be able to figure out who I am, what I want, what I don't want... and so that I could know that I could go into any new relationship without trying to use them as a bandaid to get over the old relationships. Starting over brand new with a clean slate.

Ultimately... I would also say that it wasn't 100% my idea to wait... I mean, if some guy had rode in on a white horse and swept me off my feet, I suppose I would have been ripe for the sweeping... but that's why I believe in God... I believe He has protected my heart... guarded my heart... kept me from riding off on a white horse with a guy who might not have been the right one and gotten involved in a relationship that wasn't right for me. No more Mr. Right Now. It can only be Mr. Right.

And now... when I open my heart to someone... I can give them my whole heart. Damaged... maybe... you don't live to the ripe old age of 42 without having a few bumps and bruises... but whole.

SO... when I decided to start entertaining the thought of entertaining men again... I had to really focus on the perspective I've gained... remember what I did and didn't want in a relationship. I had to remind myself of the priorities... mainly that I never again let someone treat me as an option... an accessory... a decoration... a maid... a burden. Never again. I knew I had to find someone who WANTED a relationship... who WANTED to be loved... who WANTED to share my life and not only give me a few crumbs of attention when it suited him. I think to be equally yoked, you have to know that you're that person's priority... that they WANT to be with you.

I also knew I needed someone who found me beautiful JUST LIKE I AM. Yes, I want to be healthier and that will translate into me being thinner, it's just the natural progression of eating healthy... if you eat healthy and exercise, you do lose weight. But I need to be healthy for me, not feel like i have to be under a certain weight to be loved. I need to be with someone who allows me to make my own decisions about what to eat and when... who doesn't take food off of my plate... who doesn't force me to weigh in for him and reject me if I'm over a certain weight. One thing I know is true... my weight is going to fluctuate for the rest of my life. I'm in a good place right now... (despite this croupy cough) ... I am making good food choices... I'm addicted to nutrition... But honestly... I think I'm fine just like I am. If I continue to lose weight... that's just more better... but I'm ok. And anyone who doesn't think so isn't worth my time.

On that same train of thought... I need to be with someone who doesn't mind eating healthy... who is supportive of my food choices... who isn't pigging out all the time... who wants to live a healthy lifestyle themselves.

Practically and pragmatically... I am attracted to men who do the right thing... who work hard and are responsible parents. They must have faith in God... and have a desire to grow in their faith. They can't be germophobes (because I seem to be sick often) or mean (because I'm tough but sensitive)... they must love (or at least tolerate) cats... they can't want to change me/fix me/reinvent me. I have to be comfortable around them... not paranoid that I will use the wrong fork or hang a shirt the wrong way on the hangar or overlook a speck of dirt on the floor. I don't need a parent... or a child... those roles are filled. I want someone to be my partner, my friend, my confidant, my sounding board... someone who gives a flip if I'm upset or sick or stressed. Someone who wants to hear about the things that make me happy. Someone who doesn't mind that I blog about our life.

So. There is this guy. In my blog I've been calling him "Next Guy". I worried about our chances because he had some stipulations that I didn't meet. We talked about them... we put things in context... and... it's very new but so far... things are good. He's a single dad with custody of his kids. He works hard. He's kind. He adores me *grin*. And for now... it's a fun place to be at a fun time of year... even though I feel like death... I'm happy. Stay tuned...