My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Whiny Wednesday

These Whiny Wednesday posts have almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. Maybe I shouldn't allow myself a whiny day... because today... I truly do have the blues. No real reason. Just feeling down in the dumps today. Ok... maybe there are a few reasons... Here's why it's a Whiny Wednesday in my world:

1. I'm still sick. Today is day 8. I'm not coughing as much any more but that's because it's settled in my chest, making me feel ten pounds heavier (I'm not) and making every breath an effort. When I do get started coughing... it's so deep and noisy that it's disturbing. I had several clients comment about it yesterday.

2. Being sick always makes me feel like I'm on the precipice of financial disaster. Since I live paycheck to paycheck... the fear that I might not be able to work a full work week makes me nervous. Then... I fear that if I go to work... I'll get other people sick, make myself worse, etc, etc. It's a mental game.

3. Being sick makes me doubt myself... I have been so determined to avoid pharmaceuticals this year. I know, I know... sometimes meds are necessary. I just really hate the way they piled on meds for me last year... without any consideration to the side effects... it's a blind dependence... I prefer natural, homeopathic remedies as much as possible, only bowing to modern medicine as a last resort. I just don't know where that point of last resort it. I mean... last year I got on meds right away and still suffered for months. I think that there's such a huge tendency to default to meds instead of determining the real cause (viral? bacterial?) that we cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary expense and trouble.

4. I'm sad that Elizabeth Edwards died but I'm even more sad that she had to suffer with the knowledge of her husband's infidelity in those last few painful years. She deserved better.

5. One year ago today a precious young lady, Danielle Davis, was murdered. Her mother was a high school classmate of mine... and was undergoing open heart surgery at the time that Danielle's body was discovered. Stephanie has endured a year of suffering the likes of which, I can't even begin to comprehend. I don't understand why there's such meanness in the world but I'm grateful for Stephanie's faith and strength.

6. It's cold. Bitterly, miserably cold. It's going to be a long winter.

7. I'm feeling a lot of uncertainty about this new relationship. I won't elaborate other than to say... my ex-husband should be tortured for the damage he did to my life and psyche. There's not a day that goes by that I don't suffer some type of repercussion from the things he did to me... whether it's the financial upset, the financial stability I lost due to him... the inability to trust... the constant self-doubt. I truly fear that I'll never in my life be able to relax and just let life happen. He stole that innocence from me and although I no longer dwell on it - or maybe because I no longer dwell on it - it takes me by surprise when I feel that old fear grip my heart again. The fear of rejection... of not being good enough... of abandonment. And it's just plain old not fair for me to feel that... or to project those feelings on anyone else.

8. I've got two big zits on either side of my nose. It's unsightly.

9. I don't feel like cooking or cleaning... although... Austin has done a good job of picking up the living room.

10. Tonight is bible study, the second week of the Esther study that I was so excited about. I missed the first week due to this creeping crud. I desperately want to/need to go today and I'm starting my day absolutely exhausted, struggling to breathe, and feeling completely wiped out and tearful. I need to wring 13 hours of activity out of this day, starting RIGHT NOW... and I just don't know where I'm going to find the strength.

11. My library books are overdue.

12. I have only bought two gifts.

13. I have only gotten one Christmas card.

14. I haven't made the first sausage ball.

15. I ate too much last night... I made chili and cornbread for David and then after he left I ate a SECOND piece of cornbread (because it was good and I had the munchies).

Must post this long, rambling, whiny post and get ready for work. Hope you all stay warm, think happy thoughts, feel lots of Christmas cheer and have a Wonderful, not whiny Wednesday.
love and hugs.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope that EE forgave her husband and was able to leave this world in peace. I hope that for HER sake, not for his.

As for you...PERHAPS (at the risk of your wrath because I know you don't like any disagreement with what you say/think) you haven't forgiven yourself for that relationship? In your head you must know nothing that he did was your fault, he was mean and cruel. But perhaps in your heart you feel you should have heeded the small voices saying "wait, don't marry him..." Of course, I'm not in your head, so I don't know, just throwing a possibility your way.
I think, sometimes, it's harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forigve others.
At any rate,when the feelings of self-doubt and the inability to trust assail you, remember that what one man did to you does not define you, and you shouldn't let it overrule your happiness for the rest of your life.
Financially...in this economy, most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. I know I am. I just keep hoping that things will get better soon.
I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

Becky said...

I hope so much that you can find someone who will help you get to the bottom of your cough and feeling blecch. Maybe a more holistic type doctor... although I know money is an issue (and can relate).

I feel exactly the same about Elizabeth Edwards. I have to wonder if the stress of the infidelity contributed to the progression of the illness. No way of knowing, of course.

About uncertainty of a new relationship- I don't mean to make light of the damage done to your tender heart by the prince of darkness, but just try to remember how, in The Lion King, Simba was having a hard time letting go of the old grief that had started to define him, and Rafiki hit him over the head with his stick and said "It's in da past."

You are a daughter of The Most High King. You are a child of love and light. Do not allow a being of the lower levels to have any further influence in your life other than to the greater appreciation you can now feel for a man who is good.

It is normal and healthy to want to hold your hopes and expectations in check early on, especially when the single life has grown less satisfying. Just remember that however things work out, you will be all right.

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He's watching you.

Hug for you.

Adirondackcountrygal said...

I know how damaging a bad ex can be. My current marriage is suffering due to what my daughter's father did to me. Glad I started counseling.

Foodie2 said...

Email me your address, I'll send you a Christmas card. I can beat you...the first card (I only have 2) was from my aunt...she didn't even sign it. Had my hubs not kept the envelope it would have been a big mystery. LOL