My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

wonderful Wednesday - a Manifesto of sorts...

It's whiny Wednesday and I'm (for once) not in the mood for complaining...
I had a rough day yesterday (that's not a complaint). Blood pressure was up, I could feel my pulse throbbing in my temples. My pulse was racing. I was determined to make it through the day at work. There were a few times I had to go in the bathroom and just do some deep breathing to sort of chill out. It worked. I made it.
And cried tears of joy on the way home.
I've had an epiphany that this is my new normal. There was something in the realization over the past two weeks that this pain is not something that is going to go away... that it's nothing that a pill or surgery is going to instantly cure... this is what I have. My life. My cross to bear.
In a way... it's a relief. I was in such a state of activism ... trying to remember every pain and what position causes the most pain and what allows relief and what medicines give relief and what medicines ... what diagnosis I have and so on and so forth... trying to be my own health advocate was mentally exhausting.
Making excuses, apologizing for not being present, feeling guilty for being absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, waiting for the day that things would return to normal...
I've been on pins and needles for the past almost four months.
I have chronic back pain which may or may not fall under the umbrella of something else. That's what I have to deal with... no more mris, ct scans, xrays, emgs, nerve conductor tests... I'm done with the poking, prodding and nuking. No more needles in my back. This is who I am. I will do what I can when I can and I will not apologize for what I can't do. My priority is to do the best I can at work so that I can keep my job - and my insurance - and if that means that after an 8 hour work day I don't have the energy to sweep my kitchen floor, it won't get swept. If I leave my kid to cook his own dinner... he's capable. If I want to spend Saturday and Sunday in my pajamas restoring my strength and resting my back - I will. And I'm not sorry.
Yesterday I managed to remember to call in the refills for my prescriptions, pay the power bill and mail the rent check. That felt like an enormous victory for me.
Austin rallied and with a little financial incentive, he hung most of my clean laundry that has been piled up for... oh, about four months.
Today is my early release day from work and as always - I hope that I have the energy and strength to go to church for Bible Study but honestly... it hasn't been working out that way. It's ended up being the extra rest I need to get through the week... a time to do the errands that I don't have the energy to do during the work day.
I am not a backslider. I have had a closer walk with the Lord during this time than at any other time in my life that I can remember. I have pursued a ministry of encouragement through cards and letters... I have been faithful in prayer for those who are struggling.
I guess this is my Manifesto of sorts. I'm not sorry for what I'm not able to do. I'm not giving up, I'm being realistic. I refuse to grieve or apologize or feel guilt for things that are beyond my control. I have adjusted my expectations to accomodate my limitations and I am going to rejoice at every extra thing that I manage to do.
Like old Shamgar in the book of Judges... I'm gonna start where I am... use what I have and do what I can.

After Ehud came Shamgar son of Anath, who struck down six hundred Philistines with an oxgoad. He too saved Israel. Judges 3:31

Have a Wonderful Wednesday, y'all!

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