My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

This, that and another thing

Happy Mother's Day!

I think I've said before that it seems like time is flying by and yet it also feels like time is standing still. That's exactly what the past 48 hours have been like for me.

In the next week - I have my unemployment hearing (please God let the phone situation work out this time!), Austin takes his final exams, Stasha gets married, we have the graduation recognition service at church and although I have mostly avoided any potentially painful situations in the past year, I am determined to be one hundred percent present in all of these things.

The next week - Austin graduates and, if he does what he has said he intends to do, he will move out. I have lived with Austin longer than I have lived consecutively with anyone else, ever. I got married before my 18th birthday and moved out (and moved back in six weeks later, but that's another story). I was married to the boys' dad for sixteen years but he moved out after fourteen years. Ryan left home at 16. Cody left home at 17. Austin has been the greatest challenge but he's been fiercely loyal. So for the first time in my life, I will be living alone.

Heavy, right? In all of that, trying to find a job - and for that matter, even trying to determine where to work, how much I can work, where I should live - and trying to have the confidence necessary to sell yourself (which, face it, finding a job is about 80% marketing!) well, it's pretty overwhelming.

So I do what I'm best at when I'm overwhelmed: in order to avoid making the wrong decisions, I'm not making any decisions. I've been sort of stuck on pause. Granted, that is exactly what I had planned when this whole "season" of life happened, but it's still weird to look back over x number of days/weeks/months and realize that I've been pretty much not doing anything except... well, sitting.

And if I had to be 100% honest, I would have to tell you that I'm not sure I could have done anything MORE than that right now. Between the swelling that will not go away that makes my toes feel like they should have stretch marks, the blood pressure that I can't seem to get under control, pain that continues to reach levels that I could not have possibly imagined (how many times have I said, "this is the worst pain EVER!") stiffness, etc, etc, ad nauseum (except, not really nauseum, usually) I'm just thankful beyond measure to have that pause button as an option.

And, ultimately, I feel like my blog entries over the last two months have been sort of a "lather/rinse/repeat" format. Aren't you sick of hearing it yet?

Other than that... it's rained all day and it's a comfortable 59 degrees outside right now. (no artificial climate control! woohoo!). Austin spent the weekend with his "married friend", despite the fact that I told him he absolutely had to come home last night. He didn't. And. What can I do, really? Drag him home kicking and screaming? Kick him out? Call the police? I mean, seriously. And ... is it a big enough deal for me to get all worked up and get my blood pressure higher? No. It's a novice "adult" spreading his wings and testing his boundaries. It hurts my feelings that he doesn't respect my wishes but at the end of the day it goes back to my philosophy on parenting adults: I don't want anyone to spend time with me out of guilt or obligation. I want them to want to spend time with me. And if they don't - when they don't - it hurts. But I hardly ever, if ever, let them know that it hurts. I will not manipulate my children into being with me. Guilt is not a tool in my parenting arsenal. Much.

But this morning at about 8am, Austin sent me a text to let me know he was up and asking me to come get him. I did. We went to Walmart to buy his belt, dress shoes and socks for graduation. We picked up a few groceries since he was with me to tote them. (Love Walmart prices, hate carrying my own groceries out). We picked up breakfast at McDonalds and we have spent the day, more or less that same way we have spent every Sunday for the past four years - him playing games/watching tv in his room, me watching tv and on my laptop in my room. He comes bouncing in on every commercial. He periodically pops in and says, "what were you thinking for dinner?" and it's status quo. You know, the status quo that is changing all too soon.

I'm taking advantage of ancestry.com's two week free offer (under Austin's email address since I used it once before under my own... ssssshhh!) to put the information that I've gathered in my little genealogy notebook in a more logical format. After the free two weeks I will be gainfully employed and can afford the $77 for six months that is the minimum payment! Or... I will print out what I've done and be thankful for the little boost of information.

I do have a phone interview scheduled with a potential employer for next week. I feel like I have so much to offer but soooo, soooo much baggage that I have to be honest about with a potential employer. I have a handicapped tag, it's not like  an employer isn't going to eventually notice that and wonder what's up. And, just like with potential relationships (which I have pretty much given up) potential employers deserve to know that I am, at least partially disabled and that it is a degenerative condition. But seriously, people, I am just so awesome that my fifty percent is better than most people's one hundred percent, for real! (That's what I keep telling myself, anyways)

So that's what's up here this weekend. Tomorrow is the big hearing and I'm sure I'm going to be a basket case for the first half of tomorrow in anxious anticipation... and then I'm sure I'm going to spend the next few days replaying everything in my head, grieving any unkindnesses, feeling really rotten and sorry for myself and I'm sure at some point I'll just give it a great big shoulder shrug and let it go. It's what I do. And in the meantime I've got this awesome crunchy caramel pretzel ice cream to lean on.

Have a good week, y'all!

2 comments:

monique said...

Heather,
Happy Mother's day to you!
Take care-
Monica

BLAZER PROPHET said...

Nothing worse than the empty nest syndrome. I hated it. However, after having the twins (googs, they are) back for a year after college, I WANT THEM THE HELL OUT!!! And they're good kids, but it's time for them to go. Anyway, it's hard, but maybe a bit of volunteer work... and you'll find your way.