crossroads

I'm at a crossroads.
I can't be completely candid about the details but my employment is quite possibly coming to an end soon.
The only way to prevent it is to bring in a lot of new policies fast. More than I ever have before.
I shed a lot of tears yesterday and couldn't get my blood pressure under control.
It's still high.
Ironically, I had the biggest bonus payout in my entire career yesterday. But it didn't matter.
God has prepared my heart for this. I knew, one way or another, change was looming ahead.
Rarely does anyone hear it in my voice, but most days, especially by the end of the day, I'm in extreme pain.
Many days I cry the whole way home from work.
Other days I cry before I even get there.
Trying to rise up, push through, fake it until I make it... it's wearing on my body.
I don't give up easily.
When the circumstances were made clear to me yesterday, I grieved.
Not so much about this job... but knowing that any job... for the rest of my life... is going to be difficult for me.
That moment when you realize that you are not valuable... I've had several of those kind of moments over the past few years and they weigh heavy on me.
The roles that I felt destined to fill... wife, mother... not valuable in either place.
Insurance agent... not valuable.
My prayer, every day, is "Lord, let me make a difference in someone's life today". And every day, He allows that to happen.
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Well, what I am is not enough.
And... cumulatively... over the past years... not being enough seems to be a theme in my life.
Not thin enough.
Not rich enough.
Not strong enough.
Not productive enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not young enough.
Not sociable enough.
Not educated enough.
Not healthy enough.
I weigh my life on a different scale. You see, I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that what I do matters.
I know that even though my eyes are puffy and red from crying for most of the past 24 hours... that God draws close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I'm thankful for my brokenness.
I want you to know that I have hope. I won't give up.
On my desk is the verse that Angie shared with me before I left Jacksonville, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you... plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11 (Heather's memorized version)
So, if you pray, pray that God will show me the way. That I will either be "enough" where I am or that He will prepare something more, something better, something that will not leave me feeling like a loser every day of my life. Maybe even something that doesn't hurt as much.
I know that my life impacts other lives everywhere I go. Maybe I just need to be in a place where I feel valued.
Happy Saturday.