resting in the eye of the storm

I'm adjusting to my new situation... decompressing... resting my spine. I'm in quite a bit of pain today and grateful that I don't have to face a day of being in pain and pretending I'm not.

Back in the Darby Days there were things that I wanted and needed to talk about so badly but I couldn't for fear of repercussions. Once I was away from him I didn't necessarily want to do an information dump because by that time... it was better for me to let things go and not rehash. There are still many, many stories that I haven't shared because I don't want to revisit the hurt.

It's the same now... there are things that I couldn't comment on at the time that I would talk about now but I don't even want to revisit the frustration and discouragement. I'm grateful for every paycheck. I'm grateful for being able to maintain employment and insurance over those years. I'm grateful for how I grew in my prayer life by the desperate need I had for prayer in that time of my life.

More than anything, I'm grateful for the opportunity to be who He destined me to be. The opportunity to write that book y'all have been wanting me to write. The availability to be there when people need me. I've missed so much over the past few years... a friend's funeral... not being there for my family when they needed me... so many things.

I don't have a printer (and my dad has one for me but it's two hours away) so I'm going to go to the library today to update my resume and start getting it out. I'm going to be truthful on my cover letter and explain my disability. I can't pretend that I'm physically able to work full time. I'm not. and if I accept a full time job knowing that I physically can't do it... it makes me look like a major slacker... which is how I've felt for the past year and a half. When... honestly... if I was working fewer hours I would have had much better attendance. Yet... I have to either have health insurance through my employer or I have to make sure I don't make too much money to qualify for medicaid. Sad, but true. It's a delicate balance. Few employers are going to offer health benefits to part time employees and I can't imagine a situation where I could make enough money part time to pay for health insurance. Boggles the mind.

I talked to a disability attorney yesterday - we have an official meeting for March 30, after I see the pain doctor and review my records and such. Because of my age she feels like it's inevitable that the initial application will be declined but she feels like they can help from that point on... and if they're involved from the beginning they can make sure we position ourselves for a more favorable and faster resolution. She feels like it will be at least six months before its resolved... but there is a five month "time deductible" that I would have to satisfy... so I wouldn't be reimbursed for all the money I've missed in that time. I'm still learning about this process.

I have an appointment on Wednesday to have my stitches taken out in my gum.
I have an appointment with the unemployment people on Thursday.
The library today... post office today to return something to amazon... lots of things to keep me busy and keep me from curling up in a ball and disappearing from the world... there's only a slight temptation to do that. I'm fighting it.

I don't really see a situation where I can continue to live independently and support our household while these things are in process. I'm confident that we'll make it through Austin's graduation but after that... I don't know. I'm praying but I'm also in a strange season where I'm sort of just being still before the Lord. Does that make sense? As if... in my time of greatest need, most important decisions, incredible anxiety... I have the most unbelievable sense of peace and calmness. As if... I'm in the eye of the hurricane... although the winds are blowing strong all around me... I feel completely sheltered and safe. This is why, as a Christian, I feel we have such an important role to play in the lives of others by way of intercessory prayer. Those in greatest need sometimes need to just be still and let God do *His thing*...

Anyways... I feel like I'm rambling a bit today and I hope not. I want so desperately for this season of life to be meaningful to me and to y'all. I want to reflect the hope that I have. I want my life to be one that constantly gives Him all glory, honor and praise. Things will, I have no doubt, be difficult ahead. There are going to be disappointments, rejections, times of confusion and discouragement. I went through a storm... I'm in the eye of the storm... and I still have to go through the other side... I just pray that I have the strength to stand no matter how fiercely the winds blow.

Time for breakfast... love and hugs, y'all!