I spent most of the past two days feeling sorry for myself. At some point yesterday ... I stopped grieving and started planning. The fog lifted and I realized how blessed I really am.
It's possible that I may be able to continue to work until Austin graduates. That gives me two months to plan out our next step and next season of life.
The reality, the really hard reality, is that I can't do anything that will have me sitting for eight hours a day. I can't do anything that involves high stress because of my blood pressure. I can stand for a short period of time. I can't walk long distances. I can't lift.
The things I'm good at - writing, encouraging, relationships - are being blighted out of my life because of the physical toll that a 9-5 job is putting on my body. I've given up so much to try to hold to this job.
I believe God has other plans for me. I'm CERTAIN that God has other plans for me.
Not sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day, five days a week will mean that I can sit in a worship service for an hour or two a week. I can get back to true fellowship, bible learning/teaching, worship... the things that I have desperately missed.
Not sitting for 8 hours a day will mean that I have the energy and mobility to visit with the people who matter in my life... nurture the relationships that matter... be the mom, sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, friend that God purposed for me to be.
I don't have all the pieces of the puzzle put together yet. I have done a little research about the process of filing for disability, the availability of medicaid and food stamps and that sort of thing. I will know more once my transition period is outlined. I was too emotional on Friday to be logical or tactical.
Things don't always turn out like you had planned.
- I thought I wanted to be the mother of little girls... it turned out that my calling was to be the mother of boys... and in hindsight, I wouldn't have it any other way.
- I thought I wanted to be part of a couple... I thought there was no way to survive as a single person... it turns out that I really enjoy being single.
- I thought I wanted to live in that duplex that we couldn't afford and I thought that the fire was going to break us... it turned out to be a huge blessing.
- I lost a job after 9-11 - working in the freight forwarding industry and there just wasn't as much freight being forwarded and I was the first to go... it opened up my life so that I could immerse myself in the world of theatre and there are countless relationships that I have today that I never would have had if I hadn't been unemployed for a season.
- I thought that the end of my marriage with Michael was the end of me... it turned out to be the restoration of my soul.
Every end of every season of my life (so far) has brought sadness, confusion, fear, desperation, discouragement... but every. single. time. God has moved me into a better place. There has always been beauty for ashes.
I'm attaching a long passage from Isaiah. I memorized the first couple of verses a year or so ago and as I was writing today this popped into my head. I have suffered for a very long 15 months trying to make my body do the things that physically, I just can't do any more. I have peace knowing that the end of that suffering is in sight and I am so excited for whatever the next season of life has for me. In my heart of hearts, when I set aside my pride and human emotions and let the spirit of God that is in me really have rule and reign in my heart and mind... I know that the Year of the Lord's Favor is upon me.
The Year of the LORD’s Favor1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.