rejection, redemption and what matters most

With every day that passes, Spring is more evident. One day a barren, brown, ugly branch... the next, beautifully adorned with pink flowers... or white... or purple. The patch of dirt beside my apartment is bursting forth with carefully arranged plants. I thought all that was contained there was dirt and weeds. Every day the trees bear more leaves in various shades of green... and it becomes clear that even after a season of barrenness... each and every little plant has a wondrous purpose displayed in His perfect time. As if the Creator is directing a symphony of nature that is quiet until He gives the cue. I will be 44 years old next month and Spring never fails to amaze and amuse me.

I can't help but feel that the same Conductor will bring forth such beauty in my next season of life. Even though now I feel barren and useless and ugly and unadorned... truly, I believe that there is beauty hibernating within, that in His perfect time... will burst forth and become evident to all. I'm sure of this.

We received an amazing gift yesterday. I asked for help with the rent for April, knowing that if I stretched and conserved and everything fell into place just perfectly that I would most likely be able to take care of the other bills. Instead ... we will be given enough money to sustain us for 2 or three months but definitely, without doubt, enough to take care of everything for the next two months until Austin's graduation. 

You have no idea what a burden this lifts from me! ... and that Austin continues to receive child support... and so on and so on... so many moving parts in this and so much uncertainty. Knowing that the rent is paid and the power bill is paid and that Austin will be able to graduate HERE and that if two months go by and I'm not able to find a job and we're not able to stay... than we will leave in dignity and honesty, having met our financial obligations. That is more precious than you can know. 

It's as if I went from rejection to redemption in the space of a phone call. It allows me to the space to truly listen to God's voice on our next step. When I moved from Woodstock to Jacksonville, Michael pressured me to find the highest paying job with the absolute best benefits as quickly as possible. I'm not sure that my choice was right. When I moved from Jacksonville to here, I was under the gun of needing to find a job before I could know how much I could afford in rent in order to get Austin in school as quickly as possible. He had already missed two weeks. I got things out of order... rented a place that it turned out my salary wouldn't easily cover and I spent the next almost three years playing a shell game trying to keep up.

I know that God has promised that no weapon formed against me will prosper. That's what's sustaining me right now. Oh, there are thousands of other passages of scripture that also fit and that can also be very true but God has - in each season of my life - given me one precious passage at a time to consider and to use as my touchstone, my foundation, my hope. When I was giving birth to Cody it was "I can do all things through Christ"... when I was in misery in Jacksonville it was "be still and know that I am God"... when I was leaving Jacksonville it was "I know the plans I have for you... plans to give you hope and a future"... and many other times that I've long since forgotten but whether it's a hymn or a passage of scripture or even a word of encouragement... He always gives me something to ponder, something to hold on to. And I am. Holding on. 

It's human nature to make bad choices in times of desperation and for me, for now, this no longer seems desperate. I have the opportunity to truly consider all possibilities... will I, can I find a job with State Farm here? Is there another insurance company that I should consider? Should I move into a different line of work? Should I move to a different location? Should I attempt to work full time again? What about insurance? If I take a job that doesn't offer health care benefits... if it makes me ineligible for medicaid, then I would have a very difficult time finding an individual health care plan. I could end up working and doing nothing but paying doctor bills out of what I earn... which is fine but then I'd have to figure out a way to cover the other bills. It may be that I need to work part time, both for my ability/disability and also to make sure I can keep medicaid. I mean... there are many, many things to consider. I can't just jump right in, unfortunately, otherwise I'll find myself right back where I was before - in pain, unappreciated, missing work, not covering my bills. I know that God has a better way for me. 

One very, very precious thing that happened yesterday that brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it... when Austin came in the door from school I said, "AUSTIN... come here... I have some good news!" and he said, with lots of excitement in his voice, "IS GRAMPS BETTER?"... my sister-in-law's father who has been very, very sick over the last two weeks... who has been around Austin from the time Austin was a baby... who we've seen at birthday parties and other social gatherings... who was more excited than Austin when Austin got a bb gun for Christmas... who, although he's not kin to us by blood or marriage, he is family, all the same... that with all the turmoil and uncertainty we're facing that Gramps was Austin's first thought, ... made me so proud...  and reminded me that a job is just a job... money is just money... where we live and what we do is so inconsequential in the scheme of things. Will all of this matter in five years? No more than the lesson it taught us and the testimony it strengthened.

God is good. We have an amazing family that stands in the gap for us time and time and time again and so much of my faith comes from the foundation on which my life is built. It is easier to have faith when you know that you are loved. Just as He has orchestrated the seasons, He has orchestrated our lives in such a way that we have a good, generous and loving family and support system. It's nothing I've done to be worthy... it's only by His grace that we are redeemed.

Happy Tuesday, y'all.