My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

An extension of Whiny Wednesday...

I have a confession to make: I'm the meanest mom in the world.
Yesterday (you know, when I was so sick from my pain meds that I was curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor) I refused to take Austin into town to meet up with this young girl he likes.
A girl whose parents won't allow her to date so Austin wants me to assist in helping him scam and create opportunities where he can *accidentally* be where she is... and he wants me to leave him there until he calls me to come back to get him.
OR... he wants me to give him money to go hang out with her and pay someone else for gas so I can be *uninvolved* in helping him and this girl disobey her parents.
I will not.
Even if I wasn't curled up in a ball beside the toilet because of the nausea. I still would not.
Even if I had cash on hand to throw his way - which I didn't because I need to go to the ATM... so he said, "just let me take your debit card"... yeah. I've been burned by that scam already by his older brothers... to the tune of at least $600 and I will not... under any circumstances... allow him control of my debit card.
So Austin... showing off his brand new *maturity* ... screams at me that I am the meanest person in the world. I don't care about his happiness. I don't ever do anything for him. I want him to be miserable and stuck here in the house with me.
Here's a list - just for the record - of the things I've done for Austin in the past two weeks: (at least the things I can remember)

  • Took a half day off of work to check him out of school, drive him 30 minutes to the nearest drivers license bureau, sit there with him for two hours (in very hard chairs) so he could get his learners license.
  • I took him out to eat wings for his birthday.
  • Last week... because he was mad at me about not letting him go hang out with his friends (including, possibly/probably, this young man who was killed)... he refused to change the litter box so I did it. 
  • Because he refused to do the dishes the entire week last week... I did it.
  • Because he *forgot* to take out the trash, I did it. 
  • On Friday, because he was mourning, I drove him to school (which is fifteen minutes in the opposite direction from my office) and because he was upset, I used my lunch hour to go pick him up and make sure he was ok before going back to work. 
  • Because he was grieving... I didn't ask him to go to the grocery store with me. I didn't wake him up to carry in all the groceries... I did it.. all these chores of his that I do KILL my back... so it's not just a matter of disobedience on his part... it physically hurts me. 
  • Because he was grieving... even though he hadn't done any of the chores I asked him to do... I went to McDonalds and picked up his usual Saturday breakfast. That I bring him every week. And for the record... McDonalds is about 15-20 minutes from us, so this weekly trip to McDonalds takes a good 30-45 minutes. 
  • After shopping... and feeding him.... I realized that he had set his khakis (his only decent dress pants) on the table ... and I realized they are much too small... so I went BACK into town and bought him a pair of pants... again, letting him sleep.
  • Once he got up... even though my back was KILLING me by this point... I ironed the shirt he wanted to wear to the viewing.
  • I gave him gas money for his friends who were taking him to the viewing.
  • I gave him spending money for the time he was going to spend with his friends who were grieving.
  • On Tuesday... after having a chunk of junk cut out of my gum... stitched up and with blood oozing out of the gauze packing in my gum... I went to McDonalds and picked him up cheeseburgers for dinner... and a sweet tea... 
  • Since I wasn't able to go anywhere Tuesday night... and he really, really, really needed new shoes asap, I bought him two pair online and paid extra for shipping so he could have them, you know, asap, even though I have tried for the past two weeks to take him shoe shopping and he wouldn't go. 
  • And today... because I haven't been to the ATM all week since, you know, I've been curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor... I'm taking him to school so that I will have cash to give him so he can have snack money. 
  • And... you know... he's 18 and all... and doesn't work... but, of course, he blames that on me. 

So yesterday... when he told me what a horrible person I am... I didn't say a word... I just started crying... not out of mommy guilt (because Austin doesn't easily feel guilted) ... but out of disappointment. Not to be a martyr but I've done a lot for my kids over the years. Marrying Michael, as misguided of a decision as that was, was in large part to take advantage of the opportunity to offer my kids a better life than what I could give them in that ghetto of a trailer park. Living in the duplex that I couldn't afford here in Cleveland was to allow Austin to finish school in the same place without having to move again. Living here in Sautee was in large part to shelter him from the negative influence of kids who were NO GOOD for him and to allow us to continue to stay here, where he wants to live. Continuing to live here and work, despite the amount of pain that it causes me to work a 9-5 job, is for him. Everything I do is to give him a better life.
And I say all of that - not to air our dirty laundry - but because I know there are a bunch of you out there who are wearing yourselves out to create a better life for your kids - and I know that you also have a lot of times where you feel overworked and unappreciated. And for me... I just feel like... as my boys have gotten older and gone on to live their own lives... they've just walked away ... they don't look back. They check in with me maybe once a month. They don't pay back. And it breaks. my. heart.
And you know what happens when I pray about this stuff? About how my kids have taken so much from me without giving back... without being in touch... without participating in my life... without caring what happens to me... when I pray about it... God reminds me that I treat Him the same way. I ask for the moon and stars (literally) and don't stop to give back to Him... or to my world... like I should.

It's thankful Thursday and I'm sorry to make it an extension of Whiny Wednesday... but that's what happened. And I try, whenever possible, to blog from my heart... and that's on my heart today.
And now I'm running late.
Love and hugs, y'all.

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