My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Permission to do nothing has been granted...

And the week goes on...
It's Whiny Wednesday and I'm going to celebrate by napping. Soon.
I get my stitches out this afternoon - in my gum - remember the cyst I had removed last week? Seems like a thousand years ago.
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I am going through the stages of grief.
On so many levels I am relieved to not have the burden of trying to work full time.
You just don't know how much it's hurt over the past year. I know I complain a lot but... you don't know.
It was a relief to have what my surgeon described as the "most painful surgery" he does... because it meant that I didn't have that "sitting at my desk" pain for a brief, short time.
And... trying to find a balance between being in so much pain that we couldn't get my blood pressure regulated... and pushing myself to be at work so that I wouldn't, well, you know, get fired.
On other levels... it's just trading one stress for another.
I've never enjoyed uncertainty.
I went from my lofty "peace in the eye of the storm" yesterday to off the chart anxiety... and I know it's because I'm pressuring myself to figure it all out more quickly than it can be discovered and uncovered.
Right now... the simplest task: updating my resume... has me practically paralyzed.
I'm not feeling like selling myself... I'm sort of stuck in rejection mode and feeling like I can't quite articulate why anyone would want to hire me for anything.
Sort of like... after one too many dating rejections... it was easier to be alone than to face the potential rejection.
I'm giving myself permission today to do nothing. Which is not much less than I did yesterday, only I worried and fretted and felt guilty about it all day.
So today, I'm going to PLAN to do nothing and then anything I do will be a bonus.
Technically... my brother ran out of gas this morning and for once, I was able to come to the rescue instead of the other way around.... so technically I have done SOMETHING today.
I will fix myself some breakfast here in a few minutes so that will be SOMETHING else.
Two things.
And... I'll go to the dentist today. So that's something more. I'll have to shower and get dressed for that.
I will not permit myself to stay immobile for long.
I will not dwell in analysis paralysis for more than just a brief time.
I just know that I have pushed myself through an awful lot of things for far too long and I really, honestly, truly, more than anything today, I want to rest.
Tomorrow will be a busy and stressful day... two appointments early, right out of the gates.
So today is a good day for nothing.
And please, keep my brother's father-in-law in your prayers (Angie's dad... aka "Gramps") he is still in ICU and didn't do well overnight.
Have a great Wednesday, y'all.

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