My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Friday, June 11, 2010

so glad it's friday...

I'm so glad it's Friday. I'm so glad. So glad for a break.
It feels like I'm constantly going from one crisis to another and I'm so tired.
I can't pay my bills. I can't provide the things my kid needs. I'm walking a tightrope of having enough food to get us thru until payday.
People who work shouldn't have these sort of concerns.
People who work and have no vices or addictions that drain their income.
I'm a sober, serious, hardworking person... it shouldn't be this hard.
Honestly, I'm so tired of trying to make ends meet that I want to just quit, give up, become like my ex-husband and just work when I run out of options and live off the generousity of others.
I'm kidding.
I don't mean that.
But the frustration is getting to me.
Add to that... the fact that I've essentially sold no commissionable products this year... nothing of consequence, anyways... despite trying harder than I've ever tried... so I have the stress of not making enough money to pay even our basic living expenses, trying to stay ahead of the car being reposessed, trying to keep from being evicted, worrying about being able to feed my kid and have gas and basic, basic things that most people don't even think about... can I stretch the toothpaste another week? is there a way to unstop the drain without having to buy drano? taking two advil when I really need four for a headache because I know if I run out it will be another week before I can afford more.
It sometimes just gets to be too much.
And although I am constantly told that I do a great job of service with my job... the fact that I suck at sales keeps me constantly on the hot seat. Makes me feel like I need to just quit and get a job at Walmart. At least I'd be poor enough to qualify for food stamps then.
I'm in that great abyss of not making enough money to live on but making too much money to qualify for any assistance.
The other day when I was thinking through what was in my pantry... and trying to figure out enough meals to get us thru until payday... pancakes... cornbread and beans... rice and beans... and my head was spinning from it all. I started praying that God would make a way for us to have enough to eat. I prayed for our daily bread. And while I'm so grateful that I CAN go to God... it's frustrating that after 8 years of working in the same industry, despite being good at my job, I can't earn enough to not have to worry about how we'll eat.
Not fifteen minutes later, someone asked if I wanted some extra produce from their garden. I fought back tears. Later that day, another person asked if I wanted some of the things from their pantry that her kids wouldn't eat. I never said a word to anyone. Not one word. I just prayed. They gave us enough stuff that we will make it through. I said, "you have no idea what a blessing this is" and it is.
But the stress of it all is catching up with me... and work was stressful yesterday morning... and I felt unwell. I felt like my blood pressure was high. So I went on lunch and checked and it was 170/105. So I rushed back to the office, called the doctor and they had me come straight in. I told them I couldn't pay them... they told me not to worry about it, that I needed to be seen. When I got there it was still high so they had me rest. I did. I read Time magazine and just sat quietly for an hour... and it went back to normal.
I had a long talk with my doctor. When I decided at the beginning of the year to quit all my meds cold turkey, I didn't talk to her. Not that I don't trust her, I just know she had an obligation to dissuade me from coming off all of those meds all at once. We talked about what symptoms I've had and what trouble I've had and the amazing thing is that I'm sleeping most nights and I'm not depressed (frustrated yes - not depressed). I'm breathing ok, a little congestion here and there and occasionally out of breath but... I'm overweight, I'm going to be out of breath sometimes. I haven't had any real blood pressure issues until now and once i rested, my blood pressure was the same as what it had been when I was on medication. She thinks my headaches this past week have been stress related. She wants to just monitor me, not medicate me. She said I can stop by any time I want to have my blood pressure checked - no charge. And she didn't charge me for yesterday's visit.
I spent the afternoon in my nest, just resting. Today I do feel stressed but I'm relieved it's friday and I plan to have a peaceful weekend. I'm trying to get the book club going with the girls, planning to go dancing with my friend Natalie, planning to go to church... and other than that, just enjoy a little peace and quiet.

Ok, that's the end of my whine today. Really, I'm glad it's Friday.


Anonymous said...

You wanna ride together saturday for Contra? I can come pick you up if you want me too! I'm soo glad you're going! I love you aunt Heather! :)