monday morning depression session

I didn't mention this at the time... mainly because I wanted to forget.... but I cried the whole way home from church last week.

The truth is... I just feel so alone there. There are a lot of really nice people. They say "hello" and smile as they pass me in the hallway.

I get to sit with Jim and Angie every week... except... they are on stage for 2/3 of the service so until Stasha gets there.... I sit by myself. And we sit so far up that... few people venture past where I am sitting and those that do... smile and say hello as they pass me by.

There is no place so lonely as being in the middle of a crowd of people.

I take ownership. I mean, I've missed a lot of church, some of it by being sick and some of it... just not wanting to make the effort to connect with people. The more I miss, the more disconnected I feel when I go. And the more disconnected I feel, the less I want to go.

We truly have become a society that is ten miles wide and 1/2 inch deep. I feel that more at church than anywhere else.... the place that I should be building strong relationships.

And, of course, for me, the people I'm closest to are the people who are working the hardest in the church and are therefore busy with ministry and those sort of details and don't really have time to engage in conversation before or after church. I have a standing invitation for lunch out after church but... I don't like to eat out, a lot of times I can't afford to eat out... and when I go, it's a mass of people who are all deeply connected and I feel very much like an outsider. It's just another hour of me feeling like the odd man out.

SO.... last night... a girl I dearly love at church... posted a status update asking, "why do married women at church avoid the divorced women"... or something to that effect. In a moment of unbridled honesty, I admitted to leaving church in tears last week. People say, "I'm glad you're here" or "I've missed you"... and I wonder what they missed or why they're glad because other than that brief salutation... they don't say anything else before moving on to the next conversation. I made it all the way from one end of the church to my usual seat at the front of the sanctuary without a single person even noticing me... or saying anything. It was... sad.

We have a missions minded church. There are people who go to Africa... Thailand... Myrtle Beach... Nevada. We strongly support the Georgia Mountains Resort Ministry that reaches out to tourists in our area. I think sometimes we are so busy working out the great commission that we overlook the people right in front of us who are in need... whether it's financial or emotional or just to have someone to sit with in church.

I think that little facebook exchange will change things... it made me realize that I'm not the only one who feels alone... and it made me realize that there are people who want deeper relationships. I got a sweet message from someone at the church that I don't know... and a few other ladies have decided to be intentional about building friendships, not just acquaintances.

It's time for me to glam and dash... busy Monday ahead and I'm starting out teary and bleary eyed. Gotta put it together and get out and earn some money. Hugs, y'all.