My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

CT scan, ENT, twists and turns and I don't know what...

Life is just so weird.

A year ago I was in the Chili's in Argyle Forest having dinner with my husband's family for his birthday and recovering from having a tooth pulled... and it was a nasty, bloody, painful deal.

Eleven months ago we came home from a trip to Orlando... had an ugly fight on the way home and Michael tried to put me out on the side of I-95 just north of Daytona. I was scared. The kids were crying. It was horrible.

Ten months ago I was dealing with a kidney infection that landed me in the ER. Michael couldn't be bothered to take me... Stephen drove me there. Once Michael realized I was legitimately sick he came to get me.

Nine months ago after a nasty fight with Michael I rented a storage place and moved all my personal/special treasures out of the condo. I never moved them back.

Eight months ago I had my endometrial ablation.

Seven months ago Michael invited his mistress to our family 4th of July party. Their first kiss was a week later.

Six months ago I figured out that Michael was texting with one of his employees. Her. I didn't realize how far things had already gone... yet when I confronted him, he lied to me.

Five months ago I was recovering from having surgery to remove "that thing" from my forehead. Remember the Bride of Frankenstein photos?

Four months ago I was adjusting to being here, to my marriage being over, to soooo much heartache....

Three months ago I was at Misty's funeral, something so completely unexpected.

Two months ago - to the day - Michael told me that I was never a real wife, that I abused him by holding him hostage to my depression... he told me that since we weren't married, "in the church" our marriage wasn't legitimate in the eyes of God so it was ok that he was involved with someone else. I think her wedding was probably legitimate in the eyes of God... but... whatever.

One month ago I was fighting my way back, by the Grace of God and with the love of some amazing people in my life from another depression.

Today... it's my husband's 47th birthday. He is, I think, in Phoenix.
Today I found out - to some degree - the results of my CT scan. There is something... a growth of some sort... pressing on a nerve... that's what's causing the ear pain, not infection. Hey! The good news is that I don't need a shot of rocephin! An appointment has been made... I will see an ENT doctor tomorrow at 11. I am to pick up the CT scan results from the imaging center and then go to the ENT.
The first person I told was Dean.... because he's always there... I can always get ahold of him. He always cares. He listens to me whine for hours on end (and vice versa). I knew he would be tough... a rock... he is such a blessing to me. Thank you Michael Darby for sleeping with Dean's wife so that he could come to be my friend. You'd think a girl with four brothers wouldn't need another... not true... Dean said, "think positive". I will.
The next person I told was Jen. Jen and I have always been long distance siamese twins joined at the pain. She gets me. She will allow me to be whiny. I wanted to whine just a bit. I didn't want to have a complete meltdown. I just wanted to acknowledge that all is not well. Which I already knew.
Then I told Marvin. We've had one date. He already knows that I'm billed as a "pill popping headcase". He's not intimidated. In fact... he seems to sorta enjoy the challenge. He's pretty steady... so far he's been relatively calm. This is a wonderful trait for someone who wants to have a relationship with me... be calm... don't be easily freaked out... because I am a roller coaster... and I will need someone to pull me back to earth. Tonight we chatted while he was on the way to host trivia... and he asked me trivia questions. I didn't know as many as I thought I'd know.
Then I told my boss. He said, "are you worried?" And I said, "a little. but more than anything I just want this stupid ear pain to go away". And he said, "take care of it. tell me if you need me to do anything... and I'll pray". He will. I love my job.

My intention was to completely avoid any mention of this being Michael's birthday. But it is. I loved him. I intended to spend all of his birthdays with him for the rest of his life. I didn't count on him falling in love with someone else. Dean's someone.

So... Happy Birthday Husband... my gift to you is not calling you, leaving you alone, moving on with my life. I love my life. I love my mountains. I love my church. I love my nieces. I love my little duplex. I love my laptop and digital camera and satellite and internet. I love so many things about my life that I wouldn't have if not for Michael. If he had not pushed me away... I wouldn't be here... and I wouldn't have in my life some of the amazing people that I have in my life. And I have a feeling... that for this next little phase of my life... those amazing people will be of far more help to me than Michael could have or would have been.
That's my Thankful Thursday post.
My appointment is at 11am tomorrow. Wish me luck!
love and hugs!

11 comments:

Myra said...

Good luck! At least now you know what its not, and a little of what it is. Now, the next course of action. God is good!! As for MJD, he didn't, doesn't, and never will deserve you nor will he ever appreciate you...cuz its all about him.

cw2smom said...

Great post! I am sure that you're on your way to getting that ear/jaw situation resolved so that you can continue to enjoy life to the fullest, without that poor excuse for a husband! Love is evolving and so are you! Blossom dear girl! Blessings and prayers for a speedy resolution to all of this medical stuff! Lisa

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

I'll be praying for you. Hope all goes well and you can just get rid of the pain and go on having lovely Thankful Thursdays.

Big Mark 243 said...

Wow, you have crammed a lot of stuff in the past year. I can see why it has been such an adjustment for you. I am going to read more and speak less, because it is obvious that you are healing from your marriage.

Glad you found the source of you problems. Hope it is easily treated. Be well.

Remo said...

Every step forward is one step AWAY from the crap.

Keep walking.

sober white women said...

Oh my. I don't want to go back and recap my last several months! LOL I think it is amazing what we all go through and yet we are still here.
I am so proud of you for moving on and I know it hurts, but...well I know how hard it is.
Kelli

moshell's lilbit of space said...

I do believe I have quoted this to you before, but so what....

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I BELIEVE I have ended up where I intended to be." ~ Douglas Adams

and another....

"We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take us or spare us." ~ Marcel Proust

and another....

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time." ~ Anna Freud


Love YOU.

Michele

JennBand08 said...

Love and prayers. Keep us posted.
~Jenn

Peaceful Epiphany said...

Yep...you have definitely had a FULL year Heather. One that does NOT NEED TO BE DEFINED BY THAT MJD. So stop doing that. It's pointless. You need a better reference point other than MJD. He doesn't define you. He never did. Don't let him NOW after he is gone.

On the health front, I just hope the specialists figure this out really soon so you can get on with ENJOYING your life, MUNCHING on your new CRUNCH, and doing what you do best...laughing, singing, talking and being YOU. Heather isn't Heather without a good case of Car-E-O-Kee! You can't do that with your Jaw all screwed up!!!

Now, stop talking about the past and start forming a fun filled future!
Hugs,
Jen

rwdrake said...

Get yourself physically taken care of and keep taking care of yourelf mentally as well.

As for the residue, leave it behind with no mallace or afterthought and think only of the life ahead of you and what beauty may yet come.

D said...

No comment on Michael except to say that he said vows, he made those vows to you and to God so he's full of it on that one! Still, I'm glad that the cyst is nothing major although I bet it hurts! Hope you get to deal with it soon! Keep your chin up and sounds like life is on the road to better!