My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Random Monday...oops, I mean TUESDAY!

I'm feeling sort of anti-social tonight. Just want to curl up in my bed and go to sleep. I worry people in my life when I do that... it's not a depression thing... I'm just tired. It was a long day.

The CT scan was... well, it was really no big deal. It cost... $2200... for about three minutes in this Star Wars looking pod thing... completely painless... they didn't have to do a contrast, so no dye, no needles, no uncomfortable anything. The only inconvenience was taking out my earrings and hair barrette. A friend from church drove me down there and waited with me... we thought it was going to be a long wait and it wasn't... so we went out to lunch at Panera Bread and had a nice chat. God has brought some really amazing people into my life up here... Emily is one of them.

I won't have any clue what the CT scan shows until Thursday, at the earliest. It still hurts. I am ok sometimes, it just feels like I have fluid in my ear. Other times it feels like there is a knife jabbing into my ear. It just brings me to my knees. Literally. I've found that my singing sounds much better to me... apparently you have to be half deaf to appreciate my vocal talents...

But I had a good hair day today, that makes everything better.

And we had snow! Not piles of snow on the ground but beautiful lazy snowflakes. I didn't realize how eager I had been to see snow until my boss buzzed my desk this afternoon to make sure I was watching outside. He was in a meeting... and in the conference room, looking out this big wall of windows... and wanted to make sure I saw the snow. I did and I was totally giddy!

I ended up only being away from the office for three hours today. That was good.

I really want to see the movie, "He's just not that into you". I think it might be life changing. Ha!

I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich for dinner. I bought decent food to cook but just don't feel like cooking... this whole ear thing has definitely cut my appetite. It stinkin' hurts to chew!

I'm tired and this is a really boring post. Someone just forwarded me a professional link of my husband's where he talks about being the world's greatest dad. I threw up in my mouth a little. I think one of the requirements for being the world's greatest dad includes being faithful to your kids' mother/stepmother. Just a thought. It just makes me sick. I'm past the stage of missing him and at the stage of thinking he just must be the most pathetic person I've ever met. The pendulum will find a middle ground one day. Not today.

I was driving home this evening watching the sunset behind the mountains and I said out loud to myself and God, "I can't believe I get to live this life!" If I was still with Michael... I'd be in Phoenix. Weird, huh? Or I'd be left behind in Jacksonville while he was setting up housekeeping in Phoenix. Trying to get licensed in another state, trying to get Austin settled in yet another school. God knew what He was doing with me. One day I'll get over the frustration and anger at Michael for being a tool in the process, a step on the path, a bump in the road... I work daily at forgiveness. It's a wide gulf to cross... and it isn't crossed in a day. In some ways I want him to be truly sorry before I can truly forgive. But on the other hand, I remember what my friend Matt told me once when he legitimately should have hated me for life... he said, "I forgave you before you even asked". I want to be that mature, spiritual, grounded about it. But you know I'd be lying if I told you I'm there now.

Every day it's easier to forget. I told my friend Emily today.. the whole story... well, most of the story, there are parts that I don't even fully understand myself. There are definitely gaps in memory for me. I can tell the story without crying now and I'm proud of that. It's much further in the distance. It almost seems like it happened to someone else now.

I'm happy. I'm living a great life. I am having lunch tomorrow with a really nice guy who I like a lot more than I have let him know. It just seems like a huge, scary risk. I am not ready to fall again yet. I like having someone to talk to and spend time with... but I don't trust myself enough to let go and risk ever being hurt like that again. I'm afraid that next time I might not survive it. That's so unfair to me! And to anyone who cares about me! But it's the reality of the situation right now.

I'm loving American Idol tonight. I like it so much better when they get to Hollywood.

I'm sleepy. Love and hugs y'all!

I had to pull this back up and edit the title... I lost a whole day. Been that kind of day, I guess.

And since I opened this back up I want to also mention that I noticed today that my hair has grown a whole bunch in the past year. It was cut up to my shoulders in March last year (see picture on sidebar that says, "the blogger") and now it's down to the middle of my back. I guess having the low humidity here has helped... it's straighter.

Ok. That's it for this Monday/Tuesday. Hugs again.

2 comments:

Tina said...

down to the middle of your back? wow. and I wonder if some of it is being in a much better place emotionally too.
I hope they get that mastoiditis all figured out and you better.

I have not told "my story" to many people that didn't know about it at the time. I am not sure I am in a place where I can.
take care
tina

Peaceful Epiphany said...

Hmmm you gave us lots to "digest" from THIS post.

Your lunch date tomorrow sounds very intersting. I will pray it goes beter than anticipated. You deserve that kind of happiness in your life right now. I also pray that your pain will be gone during that time period.

MJD "the world's greatest dad"? Post THAT link so we can ALL throw up in our mouths. THAT should be a wonderful bit of fiction for us ALL to read!! MJD is not "great" at ANYTHING, much less the role of FATHER. Jesus.

All I can say is that you have a long way to go before that pendulum swings back and finds an even ground where MJD is concerned, but until it DOES, you really DO have a lot of wonderful friends on your side (close by and far away) that will stand by you and make sure you are okay. THAT is a gift far greater than anything MJD could EVER give you. ;)

Blessings to you Heather!