My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit!

After my very brief sojourn, I'm back to cyberspace. The pins in the voodoo doll of my computer that my STB-ex-husband is weilding have not succeeded! Ha! Foiled again! I bet that man rues the day that he gave me a laptop... and wishes he had never let me have it before I left Jacksonville. I'm hoping he has a few other regrets, but I somehow doubt it...

I heard an interview with Steve Harvey this morning... he said that women who get cheated on should not blame themselves. It's nothing wrong with THEM... it's something wrong with the guy who cheats. I paraphrase, that's the essential concept. Truly, that has been the greatest hurdle for me, not losing him - but blaming myself for not being able to "hold on to my man". Such as it were. I guess he was never really mine to lose.

I'm in sort of a introverted cycle again. I wish I felt more sociable. I just don't. I want to nest. I want to sleep and rest and not have to talk any more than I absolutely have to. I hate the sound of the phone ringing. I appreciate people who call... and know they mean well and it's a good thing and so on and so forth. I just don't want to talk. I type faster than I talk. I can also be a little bit A.D.D while typing and not have to give anyone my undivided attention, which is hard for me. I'm always chasing rabbits, mentally.

Oh, the thing with the laptop... the new power cord had become very positional and then stopped working. The little indian guy at Frye's electronic who had not yet begun growing facial hair ....
mental rabbit: Austin has a little dark fuzz over his upper lip. He's very proud of it. It grosses me out...
anyways... the mailto:LIG@Frye said that it was probably not the power cord but the laptop that wasn't working... like... the little recepter thing was probably bent. It felt like a death sentence for my friend the laptop. He said it would be WAAAAY too expensive to fix, that I would probably need to buy a new laptop. *eyeroll* Look, I'm paid on commission too... I get that sales are important. I just don't need to be played that way. I thanked him for his opinion, bought the new power cord anyways... brought it home... and it worked... it's still a tad bit positional and probably my laptop is not long for this world... but it works for now. I have vowed to start a laptop and car repair savings fund immediately.

Someone asked if I could only sell life insurance in Georgia. Yes. I am only licensed for Georgia. I surrendered my Florida license to obtain a Georgia sales license. However, alllllls ya have to do is cross over the Georgia line and I can sell all I want. I'm working hard at sales but so far, nothing doing. Our life specialist, Gus, turned in his notice yesterday. He's opening his own agency. I really like Gus. He has five kids... he's a single dad... and a good dad... we have the same birthday, although I'm seven years older, he looks older. We have a good time together.

In other co-worker drama... Kevin's wife miscarried at 8 weeks pregnant yesterday. It was her fourth pregnancy, they have all ended between 8 and 16 weeks. It's heartbreaking... I sat with him for a moment and tried to comfort him after he got the call that she was on the way to the ER... but there are just some times that there are no words, that words are cheap and empty. Some pain is too deep. I gave him Psalm 34:18 - the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I've been thinking a lot about the 23rd Psalm and how it says, "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me..." It doesn't say... "thanks for taking me around the valley" David went through it. And boy did he ever... and often by his own hand, by the consequence of his own actions... but he was a man after God's own heart. I like David. I think he and I have a lot in common. And that whole having a child with the wisdom of Solomon... well... maybe... Ryan's blog offers great perspective... albeit in the midst of a lot of "we were so trashed" recaps. Poor kid... grew up with a mom who tells everything she knows everywhere she goes. He was bound to be without boundaries. Love ya, Boo!

And his friend Joshy also has a blog, don't remember if I posted the link... check him out and give him some love... http://gtownsfuturemd.blogspot.com/

Chasing another rabbit... Rihanna's post beating photos made my blood run cold. I think every man that ever lays a hand on a woman should have another man (woman, being) who is stronger and even meaner exact the same injuries on him. An eye for an eye, baby! I also think that every man who cheats on his wife should have his thing cut off. Oops. The bitterness is showing again!

Dean soooo very much wants to make a vengeance trip. He wouldn't actually DO anything, I'm convinced of this. He's more bark than bite. (Remo, we may need your help getting Dean out of the pokey there in Phoenix...) He just wants to warn the spouses of my husband's new co-workers of the potential damage he can inflict. You can't blame him for that, poor guy has been through hell. I think just thinking through it makes him feel better... not that he would actually do it. Those of you who are his facebook friends, stop by and give him some love... things are getting tough and he is tired.

I found a passage of scripture today that made me jump up and down and clap my hands... I'll post it at the end of this entry for those who would like to see it (it's long). It just screamed Dean to me... and Dean, I will allllllways love you-oooo-ooo... you are always going to be number one in my heart, no matter how many guys I chat with or date or whatever ... and I will always pray for you and the Deanie Babies. God is good.

I'm struggling with the no-chew diet. I had grits and scrambled eggs for breakfast. I had a hot brown for lunch (see footnote). I had brunswick stew for dinner. I need to get a blender so I can make smoothies. That would help me get in some healthy stuff. The good news is that I don't really have an appetite. I'm on 800 mg motrin three times a day for anti-inflammatory and it's killing my stomach. I'm constantly nauseated. I've never had problems taking motrin before but... oh well. I have been feeling ok... talking and singing too much...

Time to tuck me in with the remote and some good magazines. Love and hugs, y'all!

Lamentations 3
1 [
a] I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.
2 He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light;
3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long.
4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old and has broken my bones.
5
He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship.
6 He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead.
7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains.
8 Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer.
9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked.
10 Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding,
11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help.
12 He drew his bow and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He pierced my heart with arrows from his quiver.
14 I became the laughingstock of all my people; they mock me in song all day long.
15 He has filled me with bitter herbs and sated me with gall.
16 He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled me in the dust.
17 I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD."
19 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
28 Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust— there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.
31 For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
34 To crush underfoot all prisoners in the land,
35 to deny a man his rights before the Most High,
36 to deprive a man of justice— would not the Lord see such things?
37 Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?
39 Why should any living man complain when punished for his sins?
40 Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.
41 Let us lift up our hearts and our hands to God in heaven, and say:
42 "We have sinned and rebelled and you have not forgiven.
43 "You have covered yourself with anger and pursued us; you have slain without pity.
44 You have covered yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can get through.
45 You have made us scum and refuse among the nations.
46 "All our enemies have opened their mouths wide against us.
47 We have suffered terror and pitfalls, ruin and destruction."
48 Streams of tears flow from my eyes because my people are destroyed.
49 My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief,
50 until the LORD looks down from heaven and sees.
51 What I see brings grief to my soul because of all the women of my city.
52 Those who were my enemies without cause hunted me like a bird.
53 They tried to end my life in a pit and threw stones at me;
54 the waters closed over my head, and I thought I was about to be cut off.
55 I called on your name, O LORD, from the depths of the pit.
56 You heard my plea: "Do not close your ears to my cry for relief."
57 You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear."
58 O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life.
59 You have seen, O LORD, the wrong done to me. Uphold my cause!
60 You have seen the depth of their vengeance, all their plots against me.
61 O LORD, you have heard their insults, all their plots against me-
62 what my enemies whisper and mutter against me all day long.
63 Look at them! Sitting or standing, they mock me in their songs.
64 Pay them back what they deserve, O LORD, for what their hands have done.
65 Put a veil over their hearts, and may your curse be on them!
66 Pursue them in anger and destroy them from under the heavens of the LORD.


For info on the hot brown, check this link: http://www.randomatlanta.com/37/the-hot-brown-at-the-dwarf-house you have to see it to believe it.

10 comments:

Tina said...

I ordered myself a life application study bible this week. I am very excited about it.
Dean, Dean, Dean....I was where he is now. I wanted revenge, i wanted to sabotage anything he had that may be good or successful. it is HARD to get past that. And yes, to plan it out and talk about it DOES make you feel better. But doing all that stuff will not. Dean needs some peace. I wish I knew an easier way other than time.

Mary said...

I love Hot Browns . . .

Myra said...

Glad you're back up and running!

Peaceful Epiphany said...

Hey...real quick because I stopped reading after your first paragraph...the cheating paragraph.

I just sent you a PDF book called "The Truth about
Cheating: Why Men Stray and What
You Can Do to Prevent It by
M. GARY NEUMAN." Read it. It will enlighten your soul. LIGHTEN your soul and lift you up. Clearly the last part..the PREVENTION PART is past, but the first part will enlighten you.

Pass it on to all other women you think could use it.

He was on Oprah. Oprah offered the entire book in PDF file to download for FREE for 24 hours. Of course I jumped on it. I am passing it on to YOU.

I will be back to read more of your blog later, but MY computer is acting the ass right now. I need a new BATTERY because it's not charging AT ALL anymore. SUCKS!

Okay. READ!
Hugs,
Jen

rwdrake said...

The cost of vengeance is high indeed.

Vengeance brings a lot of problems, but the biggest is that the cost of revenge is most often paid by the person seeking it, rather than the person to whom they apply it.

First, once you've committed a vengeful act, any vengeful act, your entitlement to a balance of justice and mercy goes out the window of hypocrisy. Once cannot only want mercy for one's self.

Second, it won't make the hurt go away. It will just be worse. You'll still hurt and you'll have to deal with the fact that you chose to hurt someone else and liked it. If you're any kind of a decent person, that alone will hurt more.

Finally, it fuels feud and really, that's no good. No matter how much you want to say 'Bring it on!'. You don't mean it. At least, not if you're sane. The problem is that someone who is bent on hurting you, and is methodical and organized about it, can. They'll succeed.

It's better to not give them the motivation.

Does that satiate your feelings? Almost certainly not, but you have to decide of what you want to be capable. Do you want to be the kind of person who is thought of as inflicting anguish for its own sake?

I hope that is not the person whom any of us would want to become.

Ryan said...

Dan (my boss) was having a similar problem with his laptop. He said it was the soldered connections for the power outlet on the inside of the computer. So potentially, if you knew someone who is electronically minded and can solder, they'd be able to fix it on the cheap. The only reason it'd be an expensive fix is the labor costs. As you probably imagine it takes some time to disassemble a laptop. I'm cooking dinner for the girls tonight. I'm pretty excited...

Big Mark 243 said...

What is 'STB'? Anyway, when did you start listening to Steve Harvey? That is rich ... not that I agree or anything. No matter what, it ALWAYS takes two. No relationship occurs in a vacuum.

Heart goes out to your co worker.

Not familiar with the 'no chew diet' ... doesn't sound too cool, IMO ... diets need to have a balance to them. Be careful with that.

Same thing with that 'road trip'. Be careful of what you wish ON people too. Continue to move past your ex husband, and believe that there is something better ahead for you.

Meg said...

Dean, your personal peace and happiness is the best vengence. Chick and Dude will get theirs, and it won't be pretty. The Bible tells us that what we sow, we reap. Those two birds have sowed a lot...don't you go sowing bad seed, too.

HUFFSTUTTER'S PHOTO ESSAYS said...

YOU ARE A GREAT WRITER AND FULL OF WISDOM. I ADMIRE YOUR DRIVE AND PURPOSE. ROBERT

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