My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

sssssssssssh! Saturday

I'm being quiet. I'm supposed to also try not to yawn... and thinking about not yawning makes you yawn more. Have you noticed?

Your comments from yesterday crack me up. I don't know what happened. It could have been something as simple as an over enthusiastic yawn. The oral surgeon will have a better idea of what kind of motion would cause a dislocation. From the web research I've done, it can't have been a dramatic dislocation or I would have known when it happened. It seems more like it would have just slipped out for some reason... overuse is definitely a possibility! There were some times that were "bad touch" instead of good touch... but there are few times that I can remember that would have knocked my jaw loose. I took a couple of elbows to the head for "sneaking up on him"... you know, husband is sleeping... wife leans in to lovingly give him a kiss... husband is paranoid for some reason (maybe because of the things he was hiding) and jerks back... wife takes elbow to the nose... eye... whatever. Not intentional on his part... not entirely loving either. And the apology went something like, "that's what you get for sneaking up on me...."

Anyways... that's in the past. I suppose I'll be healing from that season of my life for quite some time to come... but it feels like it was a thousand years ago. It's weird to think we have only been apart for something like 4 1/2 months. I feel ten feet tall and bullet proof. I feel like I can conquer the world... and that I have, in some respects. It's quite telling, however, that almost every single person who commented either in person, on facebook or in my blog asked if HE was responsible for the dislocated jaw. I'm going to go with "doubtful"... but I still snicker that he has that sort of reputation. He is, after all, the "world's best dad". Those who know psychiatry and also know my husband tend to give him the diagnosis of "narcissist". Here is a definition of the disorder:

Someone with Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) has at least 5 of these symptoms:
has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Hmmm.... yeah... that pretty much sums it up.

We're expecting nice weather this weekend. No more bone-chilling cold. No more ear-piercing winds. At least not this weekend. Barry had said he was coming up to spend the day with me. You'll notice that I have not held my breath. Or scrubbed toilets or shaved my legs, for that matter. I'd love to see him and spend time with him. It is a perfect day for a visit to the mountains... warm enough to walk in the woods, go shopping in Helen... go sight seeing... It's better for me if I'm not trying to entertain today as I am supposed to not talk. He had his niece's birthday party and then, after that, was going to come up if he didn't have any work scheduled.

My Crunch-n-Munch (trademark Jen) is working today at the radio station, I think. They do remotes on Saturday. I talked to him this morning (mostly I just listened to him as I'm tryyyyyying not to talk) and he was on his way in.... and I think that's what he was doing. He works a bunch... which I respect. I don't mind a workaholic... the problem I had was when a workaholic is so absorbed in his work that he ignores everything else in his life... or when a person is not really a workaholic but is faking like he is to be able to spend illicit hours with an employee. CnM is not that way. He's pretty transparent. No big dirty secrets there. Of course, you know I'm supercautious... because of my recent history... for the rest of my life it will take a long time for me to trust someone new... to believe that people are who they say they are. I've had the mother of all duplicitous people in my life. Nothing was true... nothing... not his past, not his present, not even the ring on my finger... so I'll be keeping a watchful eye on anyone else applying for the role of significant other... to make sure they're truly significant... and truly worthy.

The key for me, as I explained to him, was for me to enjoy him in my life and want to spend time with him... but I need to not need him. I need to never need anyone again. It's when I need someone that I become completely uncomfortable. It's when you need someone that they are in a position to hurt you... disappoint you... once your life is completely intertwined with theirs and you have given up things that truly matter to be a part of their life... and then they abruptly disengage from your life... that's when you're vulnerable. Or. When I'm vulnerable. My intention is to be completely autonomous and self-sufficient (or God-dependent, I should say) and be able to enjoy the extraneous blessings of friendship and companionship in my life, without needing them to BE my life.

There are so many people in my life now who *enhance* my life. Without being boastful, I believe that I have the best group of friends a girl could ever dream up. I have the perfect blend of new friends and old friends. There was this song we sang in Girl Scouts... "make new friends but keep the old... one is silver and the other gold". I've made so many friends in cyberspace over the past few years... made so many friends here in the mountains.. and I've been blessed to reconnect with sooooo many people from my past on Facebook! I was chatting this morning with a girl that I haven't talked to since 1985! And it was like we never missed a day! She posted a picture of me from when I was 13 years old... I didn't even know she had it! And my friend Sheri... who I've known since I was 8... she's posted all these great pictures starting from 3rd grade all the way up through our 5 year high school reunion (the last one I went to). I am in touch with a dozen kids that were in my youth group at church... people who went to church with me when my babies were babies... and people who I just met in the past four months. It's a wonderful life!

I think if I had a good grasp on the "who I really am" when I crossed paths with a narcissist... I would have been able to laugh at him and walk away. Instead, I was at a time when I felt sort of lonely and vulnerable... and he took advantage of that. The friends I did have, and the life I did know, he extracted me from it, systematically... and then wanted to complain about my depression... that I felt lonely and discouraged. I'm not sure I've yet learned how to be in a relationship and still be who I really am... that's my goal... to not lose myself in anyone.

Ok... enough deep thought for the moment... plans for today... none! I'll just enjoy the peace and quiet of my nest... maybe go out and enjoy the beautiful weather a bit... do a bit of laundry.... tidy up a bit... and.not.talk.
Have a great day! Love and hugs!

4 comments:

*Tracy* said...

i hope you enjoy your weekend. hugs

Anonymous said...

TMJ is so painful. It that thing you were married to did it, he should pay.
he sounds like a real creep.

Tina said...

I did think of a situation that could have unhinged your jaw. maybe when you were intubated for surgery? and did they pump your stomach... anyway, try to be quiet, lol. just talk to us. no sound needed...

Maire said...

Hi Heather
I'm happy they found out whats wrong with you, I hope they fix it soon, but, you do so much, despite being in pain. A counseor I once had told me that some people are born with a natural "inner core of strength" that gets them through almost anything. I think you got it girl!