my quiet Christmas

I don't know if I've gotten over it or stopped caring. I'm not sure if I'm just resigned that things typically don't go in real life like I've assumed they will go or if I've evolved to the point that I don't let disappointments cripple me any more... and I'm not sure if that's sad or empowering.

It's sort of like this conversation me and Stasha keep having about Farmville. In two weeks I passed her in Farmville points when she's been playing for months... so obviously... I'm spending a lot of time on Farmville. That's kind of sad... or maybe I'm just instinctively good at these sort of games.

We had a really good Christmas Eve. Really... this last week has been so bizarre... God has just blessed me in such a way... I ended up with about $600 more than I thought I would have... and it enabled me to buy presents, which I didn't think I would be able to do... and I'm glad... because my family was really generous with me this year... got lots of great stuff... and I opened it all yesterday at Jim and Angie's. Last year I tried to hold on to everything to unwrap it on Christmas morning -because in my head, that's when you unwrap, right? But then it was just me and Ryan and Austin and not much for any of us and it was sort of sad... so this year, I thought, I'll just enjoy opening gifts while my family is gathered together. I'm glad I did. I even let Austin come home and open his presents.

I thought Ryan was going to come home and spend Christmas Eve with us... but he went with Cody and Marquee to spend Christmas Eve with her family. I know this is what happens when your kids grow up... and it was ok... I was really in a lot of pain yesterday afternoon and evening and wanted to do nothing but nest anyways. I wasn't up for entertaining. Austin had new Wii games... I wanted to be able to take something for pain... I loved being tucked into our nest. I was really uncomfortable yesterday afternoon and I kept putting off taking anything because I wanted to be able to go to the Christmas Eve service at church... it just got too bad. I was really miserable... so it was good to be home.

We slept late this morning on purpose. My family was getting together at my aunt's and I had planned to go down (south of Atlanta) to be with them... but my brother David and his family were going to be there. I'm dying to see David and his kids - especially the two new babies I haven't met yet - but my mom said she didn't know if that was a good idea. There was an issue/accusation a few years ago by David's step-daughter against Austin. I haven't seen them since. I've asked to see them. I've tried to do it in whatever way makes them comfortable. But... it just hasn't happened. I got a card from them. But... whatever.

So... my family got together today without me and Austin. And... it's sad. It's - in my heart, anyways - it's wrong for me to be excluded in that way. But honestly... I didn't want to drive down there... be uncomfortable... drive back... That's a lot of driving in one day. It was easier to just hang out here and eat our Christmas munchies... rest... chill... peace on earth...

I mean... your family, they're always there for you, right? And I've been working really hard at letting my parents know how things are going in my life and letting them in more and letting the past be the past and not holding grudges and trusting again, opening my heart again, trying to be part of my family again. I don't know many people, though, whose family says to them, "don't come for Christmas" ... and it's not something you just blink away, although I have been trying for the past day and a half to do just that.

I had a good time last night. I enjoyed sleeping in this morning. Austin made a great breakfast for us this morning. I had a very relaxing day. I took a great nap. It's been a PJ day all the way! I made rice krispy treats. I cooked a small ham. I played Farmville. The cat has been snoring at my feet all day. I was glad not to have to drive all day... but I would have done it.

The boys are coming up tomorrow to open their presents and probably take Austin back with them for a few days. We'll have some time together... Christmas happens when it happens and I'm at peace with all of it. I've been so blessed... there are so many people in my life who love me and have done so much for me over the last year. Last Christmas we were so broke that Austin and I had to split a meal at the only Chinese restaurant we could find open on the way home from Atlanta. Today... we ate shrimp and ham and all kinds of good stuff.

One time... when I was really struggling with Michael and feeling hurt and confused by the things he was saying to me... we went to see Purple Michael perform at a Christmas program at Stone Mountain Park. It was the first time PM had heard Michael say something unkind to me and he was mad... but he offered this advice, "However bad you think it is, or however good you think it is... that's what it will be". Perception is everything.

I wouldn't want to stand in the way of Cody and Marquee being together on Christmas Eve. I'm so glad that Cody thought enough to include Ryan in his holiday. They don't get nearly enough time together. Their love for each other is a blessing for me. I'm so glad my parents got to spend some time with David's family because most Christmases - they're gone to visit her parents. I don't want to stand in the way of anyone's happiness. And... I've decided that today, I was exactly where I was supposed to be and I'm grateful that God has provided for me in the way He has.

I don't know about anyone else... but there's Peace on Earth tonight in my heart.
Love y'all. Merry Christmas. God bless!