how bluuuuue...

Gonna have one more whiny Wednesday post for this week because tomorrow is Thankful Thursday and I want to honor that... I want to feel happy and joyful and positive because there is honestly no reason for me to not be... which makes it weird because I have this feeling of inexplicable anxiety.

I pulled out some of my usual worries and frustrations and played with them today... like favorite toys... and none of them seemed to fit my mood. I'm conscious that I'm approaching that anniversary of my flight from Hell to Helen and all those events and that's heavy on my heart. It's heavy on my heart that my stepson has a birthday without a mommy and that tomorrow my nephew has a birthday without an aunt who would love him and cherish him, if given the chance.

Funny story: every Wednesday night Sarabeth commands a "kids table". My shy little niece is so popular that she needs her own table to fit all her little friends at dinner. She saves the seat beside her for her best friend by putting my purse in the chair. On their way to church tonight she said, "I hope aunt Heather is at church tonight so I can use her purse" and Jamie, bless her sweet soul, said, "I hope aunt Heather is there so I can give her a hug!"

*tear*

I got lots of hugs. We had a regular preaching service instead of bible study and it was good. I sat in the middle of a lot of awesome people that I really enjoy and that was nice.

So I'm feeling loved and enjoyed and appreciated and plugged into my community and blessed and secure. Austin is happy. The kitties are happy. Yet I still feel sorta blue. I don't understand it. I'm not in crisis. I'm kicking butt in Farmville and Frontierville. My laptop is working fine. The car is running. I owe a lot in bills this month but it's no greater stress than usual and less than sometimes.

Dinner was a chicken casserole... best I could tell it was white meat chicken in sort of a cream sauce with a topping of crackers soaked in butter... it was rich but I only had a 1/2 cup or so of it over 1/2 cup of white rice with green beans and salad. I passed on the bread and the brownie so I feel like I did well with my food today. No diet guilt.

I am dreading the holidays... that has been on my mind some. The past few Christmases have genuinely sucked for me between Cody spending his time primarily with the in-laws and Ryan spending time with Cody... and there has been that whole unvite from last Christmas that still hurts. Like there's any reason why my brother could/should be mad at me and why I should be excluded from any family gathering even if he is. I guess, on some level I'm dreading another holiday season with those hidden hurtful minefields. I just don't have the emotional energy for that again. It makes me want to take whatever I would have invested in Christmas (which ain't much) and just take a trip somewhere... anywhere... where I can pretend I don't have a family. It's too hard to get my hopes up and be pushed away.

Maybe I could be like those Jewish people who volunteer to work at hospitals on Christmas so the Gentiles can be with their families.

I don't know. I can't totally identify it but there's a blue mood hanging over me.

I'm gonna curl up in bed watching TCM and pray to wake up with a joyful spirit in the morning. Love and hugs, y'all.