My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

a pig parable

Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far… far away from here.
I’m just saying.
Some days I’m ten feet tall and bullet proof and some days a whole tractor trailer full of calgon wouldn’t be enough to take me away.
Life, I guess.
At my office they mentioned that it’s been interesting getting to know who I am apart from the meds… you know, mood stabilizers and anti-depressants and all. Detoxed from sugar and fat.
And I guess this, then, is the real deal.
Anyone want to come play on my mood swings?
I’m just aggravated and frustrated and over it all… grateful – so very grateful – for the things that have saved my hide this year. My dad’s help… lots of it. More than I deserve or is fair for him to give. My patient and understanding landlord. People in my life who truly, one hundred percent, love me for who I am – unmedicated – unplugged – off the chart.
And on the flip side I’m aggravated by the ones who haven’t done what they should have and how their decisions – indecision – indifference – has impacted me unfairly.
Sometimes life really is unfair.
And I look out the window at the trees that are just beginning to turn and I feel the slightest tinge of coolness in the air and I know that in spite of myself and my shortcomings and failures and missteps and all that I am not… that God loved me enough to set me down in a really lovely place… and that His world is mine to embrace. I’m not glancing across a landfill… living in a ghetto… buried six feet under… I’m on a mountaintop. Geographically, if not spiritually.
I’m like a duck on the water…. Gracefully gliding across looking ever so peaceful and beautiful (ok… maybe not beautiful but it’s my metaphor) but underneath the water, my feet are paddling like crazy.
I’m really in a great mood today. I know that seems weird. Like… Nero fiddling while Rome burns. Was it Nero? I don’t remember. I’m not college educated… I’m Wikipeducated. It’s cheaper. No student loans.
Not that there’s any great crisis lurking – that I know of – just been behind the 8 ball for so long and dreading trying to do the obligatory Christmas stuff for people who don’t need it, deserve it or appreciate it. Baby Jesus didn’t come to earth so we could all go in debt buying fruitcake and reindeer sweatshirts.
The uncertainty of it all is getting to me. Will I be able to hold down the fort until Austin graduates? After that… I can live in a motel. I don’t care. Or a basement apartment. Or… I could live on a cruise ship or … be a gypsy… or a campground manager. I don’t care. Really, I don’t. I’m up for any adventure. I just want to get him grown and educated without having to put him through any more changes.
It’s almost payday and payday won’t bring enough to pay what I owe until the next payday and that makes me angry/frustrated/depressed. I can almost make it when child support is regular, even when it’s not what he owes, as long as it’s something consistent. But we’re off that train again. Again.
Two names guaranteed to make me laugh: Jim Nasium and Oliver Klozeoff.
Sorry. It was time to lighten the mood.
Austin said that his agriculture teacher made breakfast for them the other day – eggs and sausage. The sausage came from a hog they had raised the year before. Hogs that “show well” become breeders. Hogs that don’t “show well” become breakfast. I have a hard time imagining my kids’ science project being consumed in class. Such is life in the country, I suppose. Everything has a purpose… everything is useful in some way. Even the failures can make someone happy.
And that's sort of my life here... making a difference in whatever way I can, even if it feels like I'm just barely getting by sometimes... I'm sure I'm useful to somebody.

1 comments:

moshell's lilbit of space said...

you are very useful to me. You keep me uplifted when I don't have enough faith to keep myself sitting up.

You are honest (which is a rare quality) and humble.

Thank you for that Heather.