My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Monday, September 27, 2010

i can't find my drivers license and I don't know who I am!

I've lost my drivers license. Not "lost" as in - the law took it from me. "Lost" as in... I've put it somewhere and can't remember where. Which is bad timing because I've got to get a tag for one of my parents' cars and you have to have a license to transfer a title. Good times. You can order a replacement online but you have to know your license number. I don't. It's lost. I thought that maybe it would be on my records at the office but I still have my Florida license listed. Argh! So I will have to take time off work to go get a new drivers license and pray that I have sufficient documentation to prove who I am.

Although... I have to think that this happened at a rather poignant time in my life because I really don't know who I am. Yesterday I went for a drive because I needed to get out of the house... I felt really run down and exhausted all weekend but I thought the fresh air would do me good. I serenaded myself with the song, "Corner of the Sky" from the musical Pippin.

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?
Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

I hate reading lyrics but some of you don't mind them and you don't know showtunes so I thought it might help give you a frame of reference. We sang this in Jr. High chorus. I didn't realize then that we were learning a lot of showtunes. We were Gleeks before Gleeks were cool.

My favorite chorus memory: in 9th grade we had a Christmas assembly... sort of a variety show where several groups from the school performed. My cheerleading squad did a skit and then I had to go change into my formal, floor length chorus gown to sing with the chorus. My gown was hanging in the robe room in the chorus room... it was a quick change... out of the cutesy little skirt and bloomers, into the long dress... only... when I got to the robe room, someone had taken my size 5 dress and all that was left was this HUGE dress that belonged to someone else. Ever the performer... I put on that Ali-baba tent and went on stage with it puddling at my feet. It was truly for a much bigger person and I was, at the time, about 5'1 and 110 pounds. Ridiculous.

This was a restful weekend for me but such a lonely weekend. Austin spent all weekend with his newlywed friend.... and then when he came home last night, his friend came over to play Wii with him. I didn't even ask about his wife. I mean... it's beyond words... they were noisy and kept me awake late and left my kitchen a mess. Neither one of those kids is anywhere near ready to be married. Austin asked how much our rent is... he was trying to encourage his friend to rent one of the nearby duplexes... when I told him, Austin flipped out. "THAT MUCH?" Yes. And it's not really that much, to be honest. I could find something cheaper, for sure, but maybe not with central heat and air and all appliances.

I've decided that when the time is right... meaning... when Austin graduates and I've had a chance to hopefully start earning more money and owe less money, etc, I want to seriously buy a little cabin around here somewhere. I could get a small cabin for under $75,000 and if, someway, somehow my circumstances changed, it would be a nice vacation destination for friends and family or perhaps provide some rental income. My credit is shot right now so there's no way for me to do it... i have no savings... but it gives me something to work toward... a little motivation... a long term goal.

Because lately I feel like i'm just sort of drifting. I feel like I'm working just to get by, just to barely keep my head above water. I feel like I'm going thru the motions. I don't know who I am. I have always been a mother and now... I'm not. I mean... I don't mean to write Austin off but truthfully... he's gone the bulk of the time. He doesn't want to spend time with me. He will if it benefits him but he's never been the kind to really perform selfless acts of entertaining mom. I never minded being single because I was always a mom but now I'm just me and I'm not sure how that works. It hasn't helped that I felt so bad this weekend because every time I'd think about doing something, I'd have a reality check of not really feeling up to it. I need a signficant other but I don't want to make the same mistake I've always made of trying to make a wrong person fit just because I'm lonely.

I really need to find that drivers license.

I put rum flavoring and coconut milk in my coffee this morning to make it feel tropical. It's only alright.

It's raining outside. No point in doing the mega-glam routine. I'll frizz anyways.

I love the natural air conditioning of having the windows open. I wish I had a ceiling fan to circulate the air... but it's still nice.

I can't believe it's almost October.

I can't believe it's already Monday again.

I hope Austin cooperates this morning. He's been extra crabby in the mornings lately and it really hurts my feelings to have my sweet, pleasant, "Doodle bug...." met with a "I HEARD YOU!!" Good morning to you, too.

The cats apparently ran out of food overnight and Bitty was not able to get me to wake up so Stubby climbed on top of me. That cat is HEAVY! I got up.

Time to post, shower, pack a lunch, get presentable and get this Monday underway. Love and hugs!

2 comments:

Natalie said...

Hang in there girl! I miss you!

Lisa said...

My teenager is not very cheerful in the morning either nor will he hang out with me... he has a busy social world nowdays. I've made some big changes in my world lately and because I don't really feel like I'm driving the rig even though I'm behind the wheel, I'm just wondering where it's all going to lead...where is God taking me ??? LOL my whole body is crying out in wonder and trying very hard to trust.