My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

a peek into my heart on whiny Wednesday

I was whining before the Lord yesterday morning -some may call it praying but let's be honest about what I was doing- I was systematically letting God know the things that were getting to me and presenting them before the Great Judge so that He might intervene in a cosmic way. I told God how frustrated/hurt/disappointed I am at how empty my nest is... I was such an involved and devoted mother... I worked so hard to give my kids every opportunity to do the things they wanted to do... I stretched beyond my resources of time, energy and money... I fought for them, cried for them, sacrificed for them (ever doubt that Christians are the chosen people as much as the Jews, just listen to a mother of grown children whine before the Lord... we Christians know a thing or two about guilt)... I gave my life to my kids and they left the nest and never looked back. They don't write, email, call, visit... and most of the time it feels like they don't care. I'm often reminded of the little rhyme, "a son's a son until he takes a wife but a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life". I had sons. Where does that leave me? Isn't it odd that the Chinese abort/abandon girls because in their culture daughters leave the nest and sons stay. Maybe I should have been Chinese. A Chinese Jew.

Anyways... so I'm telling God my troubles... and I said to the Creator of the Universe, "You just don't know how heartbreaking it is to give your life for your kids and have them totally ignore you." As soon as the thought was formed ... it was followed by His resounding, clear response... not verbal... not audible... just visions in my head of the times that I entertained myself in dozens of other ways rather than go to church, pray, read my bible... all the times that I've ignored my Heavenly Father... it was followed by a vision of Him on the cross... and all the times that He has carried me, blessed me, loved me unconditionally, brought people into my life who would love me unconditionally. You know, basically gave His life for me.

"Oh me. You do get it." God knows what it feels like to be the parent who deserves respect and gratitude... only to watch to go to a less deserving person. Cody and Marquee frequently have Cody's dad over for dinner. I've never been invited to eat at their house. I'm "allowed" to pay to take them out to dinner - something I can rarely afford to do. Cody's dad wasn't there for Cody. He didn't take him to ball practice. Rarely went to his games. He never once attended a teacher conference, PTA meeting, dance recital, doctor visit. Yet... he's the parent who is reaping the benefit of the work I did in raising Cody. It hurts. I'm talking about it here because it hurts. It is as deep a cut - even deeper - than what Michael did to me. And it is such a raw wound with me that just the thought of Cody brings tears to my eyes. Any wonder I'm not excited about Christmas? I spent my entire adult life working to create the best possible Christmases for my kids and... they no longer are a part of my life... and I don't know how to adjust. If there was something I had done... we could work thru it... but I just stopped being someone that mattered to him. The more space I give him, the less I hear from him.

Wow. This is a dark post. The point is this... it grieves my heart that my child has turned away from me. And I know that it grieves God when my attention is turned toward everything but Him. I spend far more time focused on Farmville, Weight Watchers, tv... you name it... I keep finding things that interest me far more than He does. And the sad thing is that when I draw close to God, I always enjoy our time together. I get so much more out of it than I get from the other shallow pursuits in my life. But more than that... it's what's right... I owe a debt that I can never repay to a Heavenly father who has given me more than I deserve.

Switching gears, less you think that I'm totally ready to jump off a bridge... I'm really not. When I talk about things, that means I'm dealing with them. When I don't talk about things... that's when you need to worry. So... I'm talking. Maybe it sounds like a Jewish mother, but I'll take that risk.

We are putting in a window in Kevin's office... next to mine... and of course, with all the noise of the drilling and hammering involved in removing bricks... Kevin couldn't work there. But me... lucky me... six feet away from the work... got to stay in my office. There are a few things guaranteed to give me a headache: heat, bright light, strong smells and... noise. It took about twenty minutes for me to develop a searing pain in the back of my skull yesterday. I powered thru it for most of the day but when it started creeping thru to my eyes and my vision started getting blurry... I called it a day. I hated it... I'm glad we're putting a window in Kevin's Cave. It was too claustrophobic for me. I just wish we had done it on... oh, I don't know... a Saturday maybe? I went home and slept for three hours... got back up for an hour or two and then went back to sleep.

Must wrap this up... have to make my meals, go fight with my one remaining child who is in my care who insists that he wear pajama pants to school today. Proper attire for working in the ag center? I think not. Still have to get a shower. Lord, help me. I'm so tired. We have church tonight and I need it... my throat still hurts but it's not horrible and raw, it's just a minor irritation without fever. Hope you all have a Wonderful Wednesday...

5 comments:

Adirondackcountrygal said...

I can't say I know what you are going through because all my kids still live with me. There are days where I wish they didn't and I count down the days until they are gone! It is more like years for me! I am one of those people who probably would of been better off not having kids. I raise them the best I can but I am not what I would call a great mother. BTW my word verification if "tabies", reminds me of babies!

sheri said...

I certainly understand your situation with Cody and I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt.
He's probably just looking for acceptance from the parent that WASN'T there for him.
I don't think it would hurt for you to be honest with him with a gentle reminder that it would be nice to hear from him once in a while.
Just remember, he KNOWS you love him unconditionally...He doesn't know that about his father..
Sheri

Heather said...

Sheri... that's probably the wisest thing I've heard on the subject. Thank you for that reminder. *hugs* heather

cyndi said...

Heather from a child who was raised with no father , i wanted to get to know him when I was grown without feeling like i had to dodge my mothers evil glances every time he cam around. He as a man is going to feel the strong desire to bond with his dad . Cody will know in his heart you did everything but you can't be a man in his life and even the most deadbeat dad is preferred to none . When cody is expecting his first bundle of joy i would expect all of a sudden he would have more use for you than dad . No one expects their dad to answer pregnancy questions or throw a baby shower !
Don't despair even though its not fair , your time will come again and dad will be back on the curb .

Jeanne said...

I agree with alot of the comments above...he KNOWS you love him unconditionally, I think he's probably still trying to WIN his dad's love. I'm sure it has something to do with Cody being a man now and not having that significant "man" in his life. I also agree that it wouldn't hurt to have a little chat with Cody so he knows how you feel. With both of my girls away at school now, I am feeling a little "lonlier" these days too...and I still have Brian home like you have Austin. Suggestion? There are LOTS of kids out there who need lots of loving. Brian and I started volunteering at a Pediatric Rehab facility. We go from 4-6 pm on Fridays, rock sick babies and play with sick kids!! Seeing the smiles on their faces warms MY heart as much as it warms theirs!!! I think sometimes, we as moms just want to be loved and appreicated...by ANY kid!!! So if you are not getting what you need from your kids right now, find kids who DO need loving...and I KNOW your own will come around soon!!