My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Sunday, September 19, 2010

i feel sorry for anyone who isn't me...

I woke up at 5am with searing pain in both ears... sinus pressure... you've gotta love it. I took an allegra and within a half hour i remembered why I hate pharmaceuticals.... nausea, dizziness, heart racing, that out of body experience. Ugh. There's a heaviness in my chest, I know this junk is draining. Last night at around 8pm I hit a wall.... you know that feeling when all of a sudden you can't keep going and you're absolutely going to drop? I gave in to it and went to bed... I didn't go to sleep immediately... watched football... but I couldn't have done anything more strenuous than change the channel. I fell asleep and was awoken at 11pm with the baby next door screaming its head off. The joys of duplex living. After some time...I fell back asleep.

But seriously, I still feel sorry for anyone who isn't me.

I'm a little bit sick... a little uncomfortable... mildly dysfunctional but... a year ago I was battling pneumonia. I was struggling to work at all. Two years ago I was battling other, much bigger demons. I'm so excited to be who I am and where I am and I'm even more excited about who I will be in another year... two years... four years. I just know that life keeps getting better. I know what I'm capable of surviving. I know that I can face near death, devastation, homelessness, having my car repossesssed, chronic illness, loneliness... and I can SURVIVE it. I'm one tough cookie!

I feel sorry for anyone who is still learning who they are and has to live with the uncertainty and fear of how much they can take. I already know.

No doubt... there are rough waters ahead. On paper, unless child support suddenly materializes... and I hold out little hope... he's playing sketch-bot again... refusing to return my calls, answer emails... on paper, this month will leave me upside down and out of cash long before payday. I'm gonna run out of money before I run out of month. I'm anxious. But it's an anxiety that is coupled with peace... knowing that I've survived longer on less. It's an anxiety that is coupled with appreciation for the fact that I've learned how to perform loaves and fishes miracles from my pantry. It always comes from somewhere. God always. Always. ALWAYS provides.

I feel sorry for anyone who is unhappy with their body and their health and still hasn't figured out how to conquer those demons. I'm not where I want to be but I've found a plan that works for me and I'm working it to my benefit.

Someone asked me yesterday if this was my first time on Weight Watchers... I answered that it was my third... and they skeptically responded that they had heard that anyone who went off the plan gained their weight back. Um. Well. Let's call that a no-brainer. If you revert back to an unhealthy way of eating which had caused you to gain weight in the first place... doesn't it stand to reason that you would gain weight? I mean... even people who have surgical intervention at weight loss WILL STAY FAT if they don't alter their eating habits. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've already got. It's not that I sold my soul to Weight Watchers... I pay my $40 a month until I reach goal and then I become a lifetime member... and as long as I stay at or below goal, I never pay again. So you can enjoy the benefits of what you learn, keep learning, maintain that accountability for life, just by keeping up the healthy habits that you learn in the program.

Honestly... it kinda pissed me off. The idea that ... if there's not a weight loss plan that will guarantee success with no personal responsibility, no correction of bad habits... that they just will stay fat. I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't made the connection yet that you hold within yourself the power to be healthy and that every day, every meal, you have an opportunity not just to feed yourself but to heal yourself with every single bite. I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't yet realized that food=fuel, that consuming empty calories is robbing them of being who they could be.

I held Bitty in my arms like a baby this morning and he gazed up at me with complete surrender and adoration. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have some creature in their life that loves them unconditionally. During the Darby reign of terror, I was not allowed to use the term "unconditional love" because, in his opinion, all love is conditional. I feel sorry for anyone who has never been loved unconditionally. For all the people in my life who don't love me like they should... there are an equal number of people who love me far more than I deserve. Maybe even a greater number.

I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't get to feel the crisp coolness of late summer/early fall in the mountains. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't know the joy of giving three little girls three silly bands each and knowing that for 33 cents each, you reminded them that they are loved. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have the ability to say what's in their heart... or find joy in frustration... or find encouragement from old friends, new friends and strangers by means of the internet. I feel sorry for anyone whose glass is half empty.... who doesn't have something greater than themselves to believe in... who has lost faith in mankind... who has never been rescued... who can't appreciate the miracle that life is.

Ok... so maybe you wouldn't want to trade lives with me... but I feel sorry for anyone who hasn't been blessed the way I have. Happy Sunday!


Anonymous said...

Beautiful Heather. Just beautiful. I hope to be where you are spiritually one day. Hopefully soon.
Love you,