thoughtful thursday

It's thankful Thursday and I have this wonderful post swirling around in my head and because the old laptop was giving me trouble this morning... I'm down to 8 minutes to put it together.

And yes, Aunt Ginger, I do type that fast. Ridiculously fast. Annoyingly fast for those who have to hear it. You'd think I could get a job doing something that involved fast typing... and make big money for it... but... notsomuch.

I'm really wearing my emotions close to the surface this week. The anniversary of the day I almost died is Sunday and it's weighing heavy on my heart. I'm grateful for the life I have... a life I never thought I could possibly have, being relatively self-sufficient and able to live life without requiring a significant other to "complete me". I've come a long way, baby.

But... this anniversary reminds me of things that I don't want to remember. Dean has wanted to talk to me this week and I just haven't had the emotional energy to talk to him. (Dean, btw, for new readers, is the ex-husband of the woman my ex-husband was involved with). He's still so deep in the battle and I want to forget the battle. Dean is so precious to me... and he has carried this raw, deep, open wound for so long. I can't imagine how painful that must be. And some times I'm able to tend those wounds for him and share the wisdom that God has given me... but not this week. This week my wound needs tending and it's taking all my energy.

Because... ultimately... my job is to go thru life as sanely as possible, appearing joyful and strong and grateful and humble. Right? I'm supposed to be humbly grateful instead of grumbly hateful... that's my calling, my mission, my destiny. As I told my sweet niece Jamie last week, "God has called me to be the best aunt I can be"... that's what I focus on for now because ... well, that's what I have.

I texted Cody yesterday, as I mentioned, and asked him to have his dad call me. He didn't call. I don't know if this is the beginning of another season of no child support.... this is his usual M.O.... stops paying without warning and makes himself scarce so that I can't even find out when he intends to pay again. It's frustrating. And his timing is really bad.

Ok... over my time limit now... must start the glam routine and put together my breakfast and lunch.

Pray for me. I'm weary right now. Grateful, yes. I know that these are the bonus years for me, the years that I wouldn't have lived. I know that every friend I make now is a person who never would have known my name if I had my way back then. I know that, but for the grace of God, I would have never been able to enjoy the cool late summer mornings. I know that He has a plan for me and that in time, I'll understand it.

Must glam and dash. Please comment... y'all have been awful quiet this week and I really need to know you're there. Love and hugs, y'all.