My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

thoughtful thursday

It's thankful Thursday and I have this wonderful post swirling around in my head and because the old laptop was giving me trouble this morning... I'm down to 8 minutes to put it together.

And yes, Aunt Ginger, I do type that fast. Ridiculously fast. Annoyingly fast for those who have to hear it. You'd think I could get a job doing something that involved fast typing... and make big money for it... but... notsomuch.

I'm really wearing my emotions close to the surface this week. The anniversary of the day I almost died is Sunday and it's weighing heavy on my heart. I'm grateful for the life I have... a life I never thought I could possibly have, being relatively self-sufficient and able to live life without requiring a significant other to "complete me". I've come a long way, baby.

But... this anniversary reminds me of things that I don't want to remember. Dean has wanted to talk to me this week and I just haven't had the emotional energy to talk to him. (Dean, btw, for new readers, is the ex-husband of the woman my ex-husband was involved with). He's still so deep in the battle and I want to forget the battle. Dean is so precious to me... and he has carried this raw, deep, open wound for so long. I can't imagine how painful that must be. And some times I'm able to tend those wounds for him and share the wisdom that God has given me... but not this week. This week my wound needs tending and it's taking all my energy.

Because... ultimately... my job is to go thru life as sanely as possible, appearing joyful and strong and grateful and humble. Right? I'm supposed to be humbly grateful instead of grumbly hateful... that's my calling, my mission, my destiny. As I told my sweet niece Jamie last week, "God has called me to be the best aunt I can be"... that's what I focus on for now because ... well, that's what I have.

I texted Cody yesterday, as I mentioned, and asked him to have his dad call me. He didn't call. I don't know if this is the beginning of another season of no child support.... this is his usual M.O.... stops paying without warning and makes himself scarce so that I can't even find out when he intends to pay again. It's frustrating. And his timing is really bad.

Ok... over my time limit now... must start the glam routine and put together my breakfast and lunch.

Pray for me. I'm weary right now. Grateful, yes. I know that these are the bonus years for me, the years that I wouldn't have lived. I know that every friend I make now is a person who never would have known my name if I had my way back then. I know that, but for the grace of God, I would have never been able to enjoy the cool late summer mornings. I know that He has a plan for me and that in time, I'll understand it.

Must glam and dash. Please comment... y'all have been awful quiet this week and I really need to know you're there. Love and hugs, y'all.

7 comments:

mmmbrown625 said...

Don't think of Sunday as the anniversary of the day you almost died ~ think of it as the anniversary of your rebirth. You came out of that alive and growing and although there are struggles, you are a blessing to all who know you. Love you!
Mary

Sonya said...

You are just like me leaving the morning blog entry and dashing off to make up and lunch making. lol. I will say a prayer for you. I can't imagine and don't really know what all you have been through. But glad you are in the HERE and NOW and that you seem to place God as the ONE in control. Hope Dean can heal as well as you are healing from your pain and hope the ex "pays up". Have a good Thursday. I started a public blog again. Not sure if you ever read the other one, but here is my public one. I missed interacting with everyone in the blogosphere!

http://mymellowpages.blogspot.com/

moshell's lilbit of space said...

Heather (hugs)....

You are EXACTLY where you belong now. And God's GRACE has brought you there! This is a rebirth of you and YOUR life!

Michele

Barbara said...

I'm here. I really like the first comment on here about thinking of Sunday as the anniversary of your re-birth.
I don't know any details about your almost-death, but God granted you life. I like your perspective on finding your reason for being here.
I think it is fine to recognize that you can't be there for Dean right now because you need to work on building yourself up. If we don't take care of ourselves we can't take care of others.
Gratitude is one of the most powerful attributes we can develop. I appreciate how grateful you are to God and for your life.
I hope you have a wonderful day and weekend. Remember we are all here for you.

Becky said...

Thinking of you... praying that God will give you strength, continued good perspective, and some unexpected income. Hugs... and I'm so grateful you are with us.

Anonymous said...

AUNT HEATHER!!!! I love you! I am so thankful that you are in my life! I know I tell you this all the time but it's true! I'm praying you! :)

Anonymous said...

At times in my battle, I have thought of doing the same. I feel shamed in my selfish thoughts to get out of my immediate pain. The pain is unbearable 50% of the time. I feel that not only has my husband abandonded me, but God has too. I often shout out loud, WHERE IS MY GOD IN MY PAIN AND SORROW? WHY ISN'T HE HERE PROTECTING ME, GUIDING ME, COMFORTING ME? I have realized that God IS HERE, I'm just not LETTING him comfort, guide or protect me in my sorrow, OR my sane times. I need to learn how to depend on HIM more and on MAN and my CIRCUMSTANCES less.

Thank you for the gentle reminders here in your blog. You have a beautiful testimony you are sharing. One day I WILL TOO.
THANK YOU HEATHER,
Jen S.