the gloves are off

Wow. So much to blog about tonight... I don't even know where to start! This will be a "text" post and then I'll do a photo post. Too much trouble to blend them!


Major construction at the office tonight... they're supposedly taking down the big brick wall that is in the middle of what will be the lobby/my office once construction is finished. I have pictures... will post later. So much to say first.



Alexis' frog is still hanging in there. Funny story - Dean had the frog over the sink trying to massage out the little pebble blocking ... well, the frog's exit... and he accidentally dropped the frog in the garbage disposal! He ended up having to take the garbage disposal apart to get the frog out! And by that time the pebble and some poo had made their exit. This morning, however, there appears to be another pebble. I'm not sure where the pebbles are coming from but Froggy seems to be totally wrecking his digestive system with them! Alexis is very emotional about her friend but appreciates our prayers for his well-being.



My sweet Abbie asked me last night at dinner about the guy who came to Christmas Eve service with me... she said, "um. that guy with the hat, is that your husband?" I said, "No... that's my son". And we had a discussion about who my kids are and how old they all are. I've only been closely acquainted with one other child with Down's Syndrome, so I don't know if it's coincidence or if this really is a common trait... Abbie has a deep interest in relationships, who belongs with whom. And our friend Ashley was the same. Every time she would see me, she'd ask about each of my children and where they were. Once she had established who was where, she was happy. So last night Abbie says, "where is your husband?" I said, "Florida". She said, "are you married or divorced?" I said, "well, we're still married but we live in different places and we're going to be divorced." She said, "are you sad about that?" I said, "oh, very sad. I think it's sad any time a husband and wife can't stay married." She asked if she should pray for him. Definitely. I said, "oh, that would be very nice". Abbie was content to know where everyone in my family is.



So. About that family. Well. Since our separation, the only real support that Michael has provided for me is in paying for the cellphones that Austin and I use. He also pays for Andrea's cellphone, although he says that is none of my business. Lucky girl! Her attorney is requesting that Dean pay ALL of her living expenses, including her car payment and insurance and all their debts... and Dean has to maintain a residence in Louisville since he *wisely* accepted a transfer there to keep from losing his job (which has been phased out in Jacksonville)... AND... her attorney wants to prevent Dean from staying at the family home while he's in Jacksonville 3-4 days a week to care for his children (while she works as a waitress and contributes nothing to the support of the family)... so if you're counting, that means that Dean has to pay for THREE residences... and on top of that my husband is paying for her cellphone.



Ok. I'll admit to being a bit bitter. I'm working on it. I had a long, unpleasant conversation with Michael tonight and I believe this will be our last. Michael cut mine and Austin's cellphones off today. He says that he couldn't pay his bill and they all got cut off and that his mother had to pay to turn them back on... and his mother would only pay for his and Andrea's. I find it hard to believe that his mother said, "Let me pay for your phone and that of your mistress". Or girlfriend. Whatever she's going by. She told their neighbors that she's not seeing anyone. Michael called her his girlfriend on the phone tonight. They haven't done a good job of coordinating their stories.



So those of you who have my cellphone number... who are used to texting me... well. Those days are over, friends! For the time being the only cellphone I will have is a go phone I bought on December 6th (the day after Michael told me to leave him and his girlfriend alone - only he didn't say it as nicely). I have a landline at home and I have a phone number at work. Otherwise, it's email only, baby! The Go phone will be for emergencies only. It's too expensive to use with any regularity. My credit is too screwed up for me to get any... ANY sort of plan. Believe me, I checked all of them back in October when I first left Michael. I'll be ok. God keeps providing for me exactly what I need. This is just another one of those things that I apparently don't need right now!



The sweet thing... something I'll always remember... Misty was concerned about me being without a phone and offered to buy a phone for me. That's the kind of person she was.



I have been warned, cautioned, whatever you want to call it (threatened) that if I reveal anything here about my relationship with Michael, that he will post pictures of me that he took while I was in the emergency room after my overdose. I invited him to do that. I think that the first question people will have is ... "why did you take pictures of your wife while she was unconscious?" And the second question would be, "why did you take pictures of your NAKED unconscious wife after she had attempted suicide and FORWARD them to your girlfriend? and then why did you lie to your wife and tell her you had deleted them when you hadn't?" I have nothing to hide. The truth is that I entered into a relationship that was never right for me and tried to make it work. There was an enormous amount of pain for me and it led to a deep depression that was improperly treated and exacerbated by an unfaithful and abusive spouse. The end result was that I wanted to die. By the grace of God and the love of some wonderful people in my life, I have moved on into a life that is a perfect fit for me, one in which I am appreciated and validated and ... well, happy.



The fact that I have moved on does not mean that I will not occasionally feel anger/grief/bitterness/frustration/hurt/disappointment/etc from the traumatic events of the past few years. The fact that I have moved on doesn't mean that I won't need to talk about things here... in my forum... on my soapbox... in the way that I need to... to be able to work through this. I knew when I married Michael that it wouldn't work out. That doesn't mean that I didn't love him... I loved him beyond what he deserved... I loved him sacrificially to the point of losing myself. I still love him. It's a different love now. It's a sad sort of ... I can't believe another human being is capable of inflicting that much pain on me... especially when they claimed to love me... it's a regret, more than anything. For almost the entire time we were together he would say to me, "you don't really love me". Or, "you don't even know what love is". I found that insulting, I still do. Look at the relationships in my life that have lasted DECADES... look at the commitments I have kept... the compassion (a word he would not allow me to use) that I have for my fellow man... I understand love. And I loved him. And I would have continued in that state of loving him, while starving for his love in return, until I died. And the simple truth, the inescapable truth is that once he said to me, "I've tried to love you but I can't" I couldn't imagine a world without him.



He says that it's the fact that I'm a drama queen, that I need to be the victim, that I need to make him evil. I can only tell you what I feel. It was dramatic. It was the most desperate feeling in the world... to have walked away from everything that mattered to me in life - including my children - and to realize that I had given it up for nothing. There are stories that I couldn't share then, that I have restrained myself from sharing in the time since our separation out of fear that he would punish me by cutting off the cellphones. Well. They're off. And so are the gloves. I will say whatever I need to say, however I need to say it, as it comes up.



I am healing. I am working so hard on my Breaking Free bible study... breaking the chains of captivity... the things that hinder me from an abundant and spirit filled life... let me tell you, my love for Michael is the heaviest chain around my heart right now. I will not be able to spring forward successfully into a new life until I free myself from all of those bonds. Part of that is in talking it through... venting, maybe. He mocked my religion tonight... he has always mocked it... and said that he has atoned for the sins he committed against me... (although he did NOT, he says, violate our marriage vows as he claims that since we were not married in "the church" that our marriage is not valid. *eyeroll*) He says that every time I talk about him or the things that went wrong in our marriage that I'm sinning against him. God will deal with me on that and I will submit myself to God's authority. I know that when someone plays the kind of headgames that he has played with me, that the only way to sort through to the truth is to speak the lies out loud and hear how ridiculous they are.



I tried to reason with him, yet again, tonight. I tried to make him understand the depth of the pain I felt. He says I wouldn't talk to him then so he didn't know... now... anyone who has known me for five minutes knows that I talk about EVERYTHING, ALL of the time. Little chance that I failed to talk to him. Maybe he didn't hear me. Maybe he didn't hear me because he didn't listen. Maybe he got scared once he made that huge commitment. I just know that almost immediately after we said, "I do" everything in him screamed, "I don't" ... I mean, we spent our wedding night at a bar in a casino with him chatting it up with one of his work friends while I sat (ignored and exhauted) waiting to go back to our fabulous hotel room and start our mini-honeymoon. We got back to the room and he passed out from drinking so much. Woohoo! Feelin' the love!

There are so many stories like that I have been unable to talk about. For so much of the time that I was with him I had to watch every word I said. I was constantly "in trouble" for something I said or didn't say to the kids, to his co-workers, to his family, to Misty, to Stephen's mom... I was always in trouble for anything I felt. I was always in trouble for the things I ate... and the programs I watched on tv... and the fact that the house wasn't clean... part of my freedom now is in being able to say whatever I want to say... however I want to say it.

Now I'm off to post pictures and then catch up on my facebook. Love y'all!