long thursday rambling post

Stubby the three legged wondercat is perched in his spot in the dead center of my bed. I'm not sure why it has to be the middle... but I find myself angling my legs around him. While talking to my (soon to be ex) husband on Sunday he commented on being replaced by a cat... hmmmm.... still to soon for those kind of jokes...



My bed doubles as my kitchen table, my desk, my sofa... if I wasn't so cozy and warm I'd take a picture to show you the carefully arranged pillows, cat, blankets, book, bible, remote control... and the bedside "table" (really just two rubbermaid containers with a blanket thrown over them) with my unsweetened iced tea, ice water, chapstick, etc... I'm settled in to watch the game and I will probably blog my way through it. I'm like that, you know?



Blogging creates a strange sort of intimacy that allows people into my deepest darkest thoughts and because I am an extrovert, (meaning that I do my "thinking" out loud) strangers from all over get to be party to my thought process. Sometimes it's disjointed and sometimes it's raw and I know I leave myself vulnerable to criticism and the opinions and suggestions of others. I intentionally put myself in that position - yet I have to admit that there are times that I get a bit indignant about the comments I get. I will stomp my foot and cross my arms and say, "that's total crap!"



Switching topics A.D.D. style - I totally cracked up last night in Bible study when our leader said, "let me cut the cheesecake". I started giggling like a 12 year old boy and said, "you said, 'cut the cheese' ". And yes, I realize that's goofy and random and a bit irreverant but ... it is what made me laugh.



People have a tendency to want to help. I love that. I appreciate the concern and advice and encouragement. I do want to share one thing that has been disturbing, though... I know that it is well-intentioned when people want to evaluate how I'm grieving... and I know it comes from a heart of pushing me toward a healthy place. I want to say, though, not just for myself but for everyone in your life that is hurting... it's hard enough to FEEEEEEL this way, don't make it harder by saying that I shouldn't feel what I feel. I have to handle this process in my own way without being concerned with what other people will think about how I feel or feeling guilty for feeling what I feel. I'm honest with you guys... I share my heart... I don't clean it up, I just put it out there. I go through mountaintop experiences and I go through deep, nasty pits of muck... and I share it with you because just acknowledging what I feel helps me heal.



One of the faces that crossed my path yesterday was an older woman who struggled with calculating what she owed for her insurance. I helped her sort it out and guided her through the process (which is my job)... she explained that her husband had always handled the bills and since he passed away five years ago, she has had a hard time taking care of things. I expressed a bit of compassion (which is not part of my job, it's just the part that I add to it) and she broke out a book of pictures dating back to her wedding... 59 years ago. I looked at them all and commented on them and allowed her to share her story of her great love. I told her I was sorry for her loss and she started to cry. It's been five years. People expect her to be over it. How do you EVER stop missing a person you spent 54+ years with? I hunger for a love like that. I know how much it hurts wishing for a love like that... I know how much it hurts to believe that I had that kind of love and find out it was .... well, just wasn't. I can't even imagine how it would feel to lose the real thing after a lifetime of loving each other.



I haven't really come out and said this but I've hinted at it... I talk to the husband of the "other woman". He first contacted me while I was still living in Jacksonville. It was on September 10th. I only know that because I blogged about it. I have little memory of any of the events those last two weeks or so. If I hadn't blogged about them, I wouldn't have a clue what had happened. He and I figured things out within a few days of each other. He called to confront Michael and as part of that conversation asked to talk to me. I'm not sure what Michael hoped to gain by putting me on the phone with him, I was definitely not in any condition to deal with it. I was numb at that point, both because of the emotional devastation I was feeling and because of the medication that my doctor had prescribed to keep me from losing it (which didn't work, by the way). He was pretty freaked out, as you can imagine. I was not much help to him that night, I was just too far gone at that point.



We connected again after I had moved here. At first I was reluctant to talk to him. I was afraid to talk to him. I was made to feel guilty for talking to him. I was so conflicted about it... But now... I talk to him often. I talk to him almost every day, by phone and email. We were barely acquainted before all of this. He has become my friend. There are times that it's really hard for me to talk to him and he respects this. He gives me space when I need it. There are times that I look forward to hearing from him and catching up on his kids and his life. There are things that I've learned by talking to him that have hurt... there have been times that I've asked him not to tell me things. There are times that I feel like he is the ONLY person in the world who could possibly understand how I feel because he is the only person who has lived the same exact set of circumstances.



But even he and I face things from a different perspective. He has three kids. He has been married for much, much longer. The stakes are higher, the collateral damage greater. He feels anger. I feel sadness. He has confronted Michael on numerous occasions. I have only confronted her once. She said, "Heather, why are you so insecure?". He is deep into a costly divorce and custody battle. I'm in marital limbo and am likely to remain there for awhile. He has to see her frequently because of the children. I have only seen Michael twice since I moved from Jacksonville. They share a home (although they don't occupy it at the same time... when he is with the kids she lives with Michael) He is accused of being controlling and abusive. I am accused of being a "headcase" and a "pillpopper". I pray. He curses. Dean and I are friends because our spouses formed a friendship that crossed the boundaries of appropriate behavior. We didn't choose each other as allies, we didn't choose sides, we just looked up in the wake of a shipwreck and there was only one lifeboat left. We climbed in together.



My point is that nobody knows the troubles I've seen. Recovery FROM ANYTHING is a very individual thing. I'm not wallowing in self pity, quite the the opposite. Today is a great day. This whole week has been good. I'm feeling settled and comfortable and content. I'm feeling spiritually and emotionally strong. I'm engaging with my community and loving it. Today on my way to work I passed my friend Dana (Bailey's mom) on the road and we both waved like big goofballs. It started my day off with a giggle. I love that everywhere I go around here I run into a friendly and familiar face. I'm exactly where I want to be and I am so glad that life brought me here. I have plans to go SQUARE DANCING this weekend! Can you imagine? (and if you can imagine that's because you've never seen me dance... I have NO rhythm!). I had a client email Duane about me today about the great service I had given her mom, "Mom is difficult to please and she LOVED Heather. You need to give her a raise". I'm watching my favorite team play in the national championship game. I'm loving life and living large.



I still, however, grieve the loss of a dream. I still hurt. The tears are further back than they once were but there are still things that trigger them. I am healing but I am not healed. Dean will tell you that I have come a long way since he first talked to me. I've come a long way just since Christmas! Being able to acknowledge my feelings plays a huge part of that. My faith in God plays a huge part in that. I'm doing it my way! So... thank you for your comments and emails and concerns. I'll be fine.



"Tim Tebow is the unquestioned greatest leader in college football today". That's why it's great to be a Florida Gator! I'm having a blast watching this football game. "If anyone spends fifteen or twenty minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it". He really is a great and rare role model.



I forgot to eat dinner. I see a pb&j in my immediate future. Oops. Out of peanut butter. Maybe toast? I have the makings for soup but not the inclination to do it.


I have some pictures to post... I've been writing this entry off and on for three hours! Love and hugs... more in a minute...