Thankful Friday

I missed my Thankful Thursday post in the middle of my rant... and I am thankful! Life is beautiful.

1. that I had the foresight to purchase a "go phone" last December. It's activated and loaded with minutes and I will not have to fear an emergency.
2. that I never really had to fear an emergency. God is good. He has protected me from so much as bumping a toe and met all of our needs throughout this process.
3. casual Fridays - the best free benefit an employer can give. it definitely changes my morale
4. friends who have stuck with me throughout this whole ordeal. friends who have cried with me and for me. friends who have passion and anger beyond even that which I can muster.
5. my friendship with Dean. it was an unexpected gift throughout this process. his passion for his children and for being a good father is unsurpassed.
6. Abbie - yes, Remo, I do treasure her. Every time I see her I say, "Abbie, do you know that I love you?" and she always grins from ear to ear and says, "Yes. I know".
7. I stayed up past midnight last night talking to a new (old) friend. Right at the time I needed a pick-me-up I got a message complimenting my pictures on facebook. We chatted until after midnight and exchanged phone numbers.
8. Austin is delighted because his best cousin Devin is spending the weekend with us. It's sort of a tradeoff... they are loud and goofy together but nothing makes Austin happier than hanging out with Devin. Devin is one of the big reasons we moved here... after being a gypsy for my time with Michael, Austin deserved to settle in the town where his "best cousin" (really his second cousin) lives. Next year they will be at the same school. I'm sure at some point we'll be bailing the two of them out together... but they make each other happy.
9. The power of prayer, the Grace of God, the forgiveness for sins, the fact that his mercies are new every morning. God is performing an awesome work in my life and I am grateful that he is with me throughout this process.
10. I'm free, y'all. Every time I talk to Michael he says something else stupid or mean or hateful and I just hang up the phone (as I did last night) with a smile on my face. I can't tell you how precious freedom is. I can hang my clothes however I want in the closet, hang the toilet paper however I want, I can reuse towels, wear ponytails and open toed shoes, I can sing in the car, I can blow kisses heavenward when I go through a yellow light, I can say whatever I want, eat whatever I want, weigh whatever I want, wear whatever I want, I don't have to wait and wonder when he's coming home from work, I don't have to worry about whether or not bills or paid or what dirty little secrets are contained in all of his unopened mail, I don't have to be called a head case or a pill popper, I don't have to face persecution for my faith, I don't have to worry that my children will be physically and emotionally abused any more, I don't have to dig under the bed to find his dirty socks, I can watch whatever I want on tv and I can EAT IN BED if I want. Freedom.

About the pictures... Robert, don't worry. I don't WANT to post those pictures. I think it's an abomination that they were taken in the first place. If you can imagine waking up in ICU and realizing that you had come close to dying, watching your family members gather around you and feeling the full weight of guilt for causing them worry, knowing that you could never go back to the situation that drove you to that state of depression and then... your "loving" significant other sticks a cellphone in your face and says, "I want you to see what you looked like". What? I can only assume that it was done to push me over the edge and to finish me off... in the same way that bringing the rest of my pills to the hospital and giving them to me showed a lack of judgement... and in the parting words I was given as I was taken back to the psych ward for my state mandated stay, "You're Terri Schiavo now... I have all the power... I can keep you here for six months if I want...".

The pictures were meant to be a tool of control over me, the mention of them and the threat to use them against me meant as blackmail. I don't think it's prudent to post them anywhere. Yet I wanted to make sure HE knew that he has no power over me any more. I'm acknowledging that for nefarious reasons, those pictures exist and all who know me and love me will be traumatized by those pictures as I am. It's not like they're a sex tape made with my knowledge... while I was unconscious he violated my trust, when he should have been protecting me. To me, that's a greater infidelity but also a great example of the abuse I suffered. The tip of the iceberg.

Dean has a great attorney and I believe he will be successful in his attempt to protect his children from the pain that my children suffered. My children are more than willing to help in any way they can. I have not contracted with an attorney yet... but have a good friend who would help if I asked.

Time is running short... have to get ready for work. It's good to be here and good to be free!