My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Thankful Friday

I missed my Thankful Thursday post in the middle of my rant... and I am thankful! Life is beautiful.

1. that I had the foresight to purchase a "go phone" last December. It's activated and loaded with minutes and I will not have to fear an emergency.
2. that I never really had to fear an emergency. God is good. He has protected me from so much as bumping a toe and met all of our needs throughout this process.
3. casual Fridays - the best free benefit an employer can give. it definitely changes my morale
4. friends who have stuck with me throughout this whole ordeal. friends who have cried with me and for me. friends who have passion and anger beyond even that which I can muster.
5. my friendship with Dean. it was an unexpected gift throughout this process. his passion for his children and for being a good father is unsurpassed.
6. Abbie - yes, Remo, I do treasure her. Every time I see her I say, "Abbie, do you know that I love you?" and she always grins from ear to ear and says, "Yes. I know".
7. I stayed up past midnight last night talking to a new (old) friend. Right at the time I needed a pick-me-up I got a message complimenting my pictures on facebook. We chatted until after midnight and exchanged phone numbers.
8. Austin is delighted because his best cousin Devin is spending the weekend with us. It's sort of a tradeoff... they are loud and goofy together but nothing makes Austin happier than hanging out with Devin. Devin is one of the big reasons we moved here... after being a gypsy for my time with Michael, Austin deserved to settle in the town where his "best cousin" (really his second cousin) lives. Next year they will be at the same school. I'm sure at some point we'll be bailing the two of them out together... but they make each other happy.
9. The power of prayer, the Grace of God, the forgiveness for sins, the fact that his mercies are new every morning. God is performing an awesome work in my life and I am grateful that he is with me throughout this process.
10. I'm free, y'all. Every time I talk to Michael he says something else stupid or mean or hateful and I just hang up the phone (as I did last night) with a smile on my face. I can't tell you how precious freedom is. I can hang my clothes however I want in the closet, hang the toilet paper however I want, I can reuse towels, wear ponytails and open toed shoes, I can sing in the car, I can blow kisses heavenward when I go through a yellow light, I can say whatever I want, eat whatever I want, weigh whatever I want, wear whatever I want, I don't have to wait and wonder when he's coming home from work, I don't have to worry about whether or not bills or paid or what dirty little secrets are contained in all of his unopened mail, I don't have to be called a head case or a pill popper, I don't have to face persecution for my faith, I don't have to worry that my children will be physically and emotionally abused any more, I don't have to dig under the bed to find his dirty socks, I can watch whatever I want on tv and I can EAT IN BED if I want. Freedom.

About the pictures... Robert, don't worry. I don't WANT to post those pictures. I think it's an abomination that they were taken in the first place. If you can imagine waking up in ICU and realizing that you had come close to dying, watching your family members gather around you and feeling the full weight of guilt for causing them worry, knowing that you could never go back to the situation that drove you to that state of depression and then... your "loving" significant other sticks a cellphone in your face and says, "I want you to see what you looked like". What? I can only assume that it was done to push me over the edge and to finish me off... in the same way that bringing the rest of my pills to the hospital and giving them to me showed a lack of judgement... and in the parting words I was given as I was taken back to the psych ward for my state mandated stay, "You're Terri Schiavo now... I have all the power... I can keep you here for six months if I want...".

The pictures were meant to be a tool of control over me, the mention of them and the threat to use them against me meant as blackmail. I don't think it's prudent to post them anywhere. Yet I wanted to make sure HE knew that he has no power over me any more. I'm acknowledging that for nefarious reasons, those pictures exist and all who know me and love me will be traumatized by those pictures as I am. It's not like they're a sex tape made with my knowledge... while I was unconscious he violated my trust, when he should have been protecting me. To me, that's a greater infidelity but also a great example of the abuse I suffered. The tip of the iceberg.

Dean has a great attorney and I believe he will be successful in his attempt to protect his children from the pain that my children suffered. My children are more than willing to help in any way they can. I have not contracted with an attorney yet... but have a good friend who would help if I asked.

Time is running short... have to get ready for work. It's good to be here and good to be free!

16 comments:

Sheryl said...

Hi there - I hope this does not come across as rude or judgmental. When I read your words that you are free and then continue to read the post, it seems as though you aren't free from the bitterness yet. Probably I should have sent this to you in an email, I am not trying to point fingers. Boy, do I know what it's like and I sure don't have it all figured out.

Just hate to see someone entangled by unforgiveness and bitterness...it is just another trap that satan has for us.

Forgive me if I have offended you.

~Sheryl

Tightening the Corset Again said...

No, I am definitely not free from bitterness. But I am free from the power that he had over me. It's hard for you to have the context of the story... much of the story isn't on the internet. There was a definite situation of mind control and he no longer can make me shake in fear of getting "in trouble".

Sheryl, there is a lot of hurt in me and I know that you understand. I appreciate your prayers and your support. I'm transparent in this journey because I think it's important... even if it makes me sound bitter (and I am).... because the point is exactly as you say, "I'm not there yet". But he will never again control my behavior thru the fear that has reigned in my life for the last three years.

love and hugs!

Big Mark 243 said...

Good that you can acknowlede that you 'aren't there yet'. Making that observation about yourself can only help you.

I wish that I had came to that conclusion sooner when I split from my ex wife ... I will say that I was a little full of myself, and that masked a lot of the hurt I was feeling. Anywho, be well!

Gale said...

Your freedom from that abusive relationship is just over the horizon. Sounds like you've got a bunch of great friends supporting you.

It hurts, I know. But stay strong.

Tina said...

oh wow. so much of this is just like my time with my ex. I wish we could get together some time and talk and talk, and talk.
doesn't it feel good when the ties have been broken?
you will have another moment of "freedom" when you do hire that lawyer. Then when/if he calls, you can direct him to your legal counselor. don't have to talk to him at all.
you will like that.
hugs
tina

Kelly Dawn said...

get going on that lawyer woman...do it first...get it done and be free...

Kelly Dawn said...

oh and just a PS? from an old married woman of 18 years? Dean buddy you are hot...lol...find yourself a woman who deserves you and those beautiful children!

Kelly

moshell's lilbit of space said...

*hugs*

I am glad you are free.....the bitter will go away in it's time, as you allow.

Tracy said...

i think its okay to be bitter, your human its going to take some time! i hope you have a great weekend. hugs

Anonymous said...

Dean is sexy.

The way he smiles at his children is precious.

His ex wife is stupid. She went from a sexy stud to a good for nothing abuser.

But SHE has no class either. Dean is better off without her. He can do so much better!!

GO DEAN!

Peaceful Epiphany said...

I am thankful Heather has a lot of people on her side that are sick of MJD and are here defending her now.

Hey MJD...remember when Heather and I were really, really close? BEFORE YOU RUINED IT? Well, now that Heather has announced that the gloves are off guess what? I ain't holding nothing back.

Hope you like what I gotta say. And I hope ANDREA likes what I gotta say, cause SHE is gonna be embarrassed by it all TOO. That's part of HER OWN collatteral damage.

And if you post those pictures you took of Heather half dead here or ANYWHERE else, and I find out about it guess what? I WILL POST ALL THE SHIT I HAVE ON YOU!!!

That's not a threat. That's a promise.

Try me.

You haven't seen evil until you fuck with me.

Peaceful Epiphany said...

Hey MJD...I heard your MOMMY reads Heather's blog and then gets all weapy because the TRUTH is laid out here for her to see. Awww isn't it a SHAME that she can only get the truth from HERE and not her SON???

Such a SHAME. BUT, out of respect for your MOTHER and for HEATHER (because she asked me) I will try not to drop the F-BOMB anymore. Even though THAT'S HOW MAD YOU HAVE MADE ME.

Here's the thing I don't understand though...DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO POST THOSE PHOTOS OF HEATHER??? And if so...WHAT DOES SHE THINK ABOUT THAT?? WHAT DOES YOUR MOTHER THINK OF YOUR MISTRESS AND WHAT DOES SHE THINK OF HOW ALL THAT STARTED???

Oh, I bet your mommy is proud of you huh MJD???

Your mom did sich a GREAT JOB OF RAISING YOU....NOT!

~Kat~ said...

why is MJD mommy reading your blog? Cause maybe she really liked you and has a asshole as a son who would rather pick up women who are married then take care of his own wife... yes as a mother I would be ashamed of my son to. Maybe she cant belive all the lies her own son is telling you. well if he is a cheater he for sure is a lier We told you Heather he was a ass take his ass to court and DIVORCE HIM

Jeanne said...

It ALWAYS amazed me that MJD read your journal. WTF FOR???? He hated that you had it, he hated everyone who read it, he hated everything about it...yet he read it. AND STILL DOES!!! If he has "moved on" with his life with his GIRLFRIEND, why is he still hanging around here???

GET A LIFE MJD!!!! And get out of Heather's!

Jeanne

rwdrake said...

I agree with Kelly. Have a lawyer. Not just any lawyer, a really good lawyer.

I recommend two: Michelle Cook & Mary Margaret Oliver.

Both are excellent. Michelle is easier to reach since she's in North Georgia.

MMO is harder to reach, but if your case reveals a real problem with the way the laws are constructed, she can rewrite the law and move it through the legislature before your disposition.

In that area, you need to think about what you want in terms of this separation.

What will help you reach healthy closure, protect people (mostly I am thinking of kids here) who need it, and let you get things back that are valuable to you.

It's really really hard, but important.

You & Me said...

Hi heather~I'm so happy your getting to a place where you don't feel anyones negative power/control over you...living with that type of fear is debilitating. Ive found that those types of threats are usually made out of fear/insecurity on the other persons part, its the last stand because they know they are losing control over you...
*Hugs*Maire