bits and pieces of Wednesday

I'm watching the debate because I feel it is my duty as an Amercian citizen but I want you to know that I'd rather be watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 re-runs.


I had a really, really good first day at work. I was nervous because I haven't felt successful at work for the past two years. Ironically. I was attracted to Michael because he was so ambitious and successful but the reality of it was I always felt so insignificant career-wise where he was concerned... like I just wasn't smart enough or driven enough or successful enough. The truth is that I measure success in a different way.


This is a different environment for me, one where I believe in myself and my boss believes in me. He said to me today, "I didn't really have a job for you but I believed so strongly that God led you to us". Oh. He did. He completely did.


I had a phone call today from a former employee of Michael's. She called me on Saturday too. On Saturday I mentioned to Michael that she had called and asked if he knew why. I only met this woman once... when I went out to dinner with several of the girls from Michael's office and the first thing she said to me was, "how can you stand being married to him?". Her message today was a bit more frantic... that "they" (and I don't know who "they" is) are concerned about me and there are some things she thinks I need to know and "they" don't know if I'm dead or alive.


I'm thinking... where was the concern when I was dying of depression? But by the Grace of God I would have died from it. The other thing I'm thinking is why do they care? Why would there be any concern about my health and well-being? No one in that office should have/would have known anything about my overdose unless someone close to me (Michael or someone he communicates with) shared that information with them. I have not been secretive about what happened to me... in fact, I have been willing to share openly because I believe that I am not alone and I believe that my story is inspirational to anyone who feels hopeless... because my story is about healing... however, the ugly truth is that healing meant leaving a marriage... something I don't condone or recommend... something I can't talk about without condemning the one I was married to and it is NOT my intention to malign him to anyone... I just feel it is not constructive for me to dwell in what was or what led me to this place. It is important to me to concentrate on the celebration of life that began when I found the courage to walk away. It is hard for me to share the story with anyone who doesn't have a faith in God because I know that unless you've ever felt the strong Hand of God on your life, you can't understand how you can go from a psych ward to the first row of the choir at the First Baptist Church in the space of a week. How do you explain an abundant life to those who aren't living it?


At any rate... I'm so encouraged by the number of you who have responded to my questions from yesterday. I feel so connected with you because of what you have shared. Here are some things that particularly touched me....


One of the most encouraging things I've heard in a long time... "What I want to say to you is, there is no way I can see you NOT finding the right guy for you. You are smart, beautiful, strong, and loving. You deserve someone that can and will make you feel all of those things you are and more. You have a very trusting heart, which can sometimes backfire, but one day you will find the one that holds your heart like the treasure it is. I believe this is true, and when the time is right God WILL show you the way." Thank you, Eva! Those are beautiful words to me. I want to say that I never ever ever want to be involved with another man as long as I live - that I am strong enough to always be alone. The truth of my heart is that I truly desire what I have always desired - to share my life with someone who will truly share it. I am still a hopeless romantic. The trick is for me to do a better job at finding love.


Another thing that someone shared with me was the essay Footprints, which most people have heard. It ends with this: The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you." Mary Stevenson

Yes. I have been carried. Toted... like a child whose legs grow weary on a long walk.

Lainey... my rules weren't that specific! I loved your comments and I'm glad you posted them in my journal. I really loved hearing your responses!


One friend wrote the following to me: "Your strength as a woman is amazing and I enjoy your life story. I wish I were as strong as you....I am in a relatively unhappy and unhealthy marriage but can't seem to get the strength to leave. Its not horrible but its not too happy either....just kind of there." OK... can I just say that when anyone calls me strong I think, "I am such an imposter! I'm not strong at all". But the truth is that it's not me... if you see strength, you see the Hand of God working in my life. I'm a jellyfish. I will also say that I believe in marriage and I believe in working to save any marriage that can be saved. The truth for me was that I could not survive my marriage. I pray that you never reach that point... but please, if you do, know that I am here for you and I will share whatever *secrets* I have to having the strength to leave...
and just for the record, a suicide attempt is NOT the way to do it!


I must confess that I gave up on the debate and am enjoying Jon and Kate Plus 8.


I am tired. Today was a long day but it was good day. For now my hours will be 8-5 except on Wednesdays. On Wednesday I will leave at 4 so Austin and I can have dinner at church and go to bible study. I just really feel it's important for us to have that continuity. He will tell you he "loathes" (his word) going to church but I didn't even have time to get out of the car this afternoon before he ran out to meet me. Fellowship dinner starts at 5pm and I like to be there for that.


Fellowship dinner at church on Wednesday night seems like such a small thing but for me... it's huge. You have to know that one of the greatest heartaches of my marriage was that we never had a meal together. Ever. Only when my presence was needed to keep up appearances. It is not an exaggeration when I tell you that Michael would come home, pick up Stephen and the two of them would go out to dinner together excluding me and Austin. This happened several times a week. It broke my heart. It was a horribly hurtful rejection. I grew up in a family that sat down to dinner together every night. Even in my terribly dysfunctional first marriage we ate together most nights. I could not reconcile that constant and repeated rejection to mean anything except that I was not worthy of his company.


So having dinner with my family and my church family is a great blessing to me. The food is not important (although it is really good!). The love and fellowship and acceptance gives me as much strength as anything that is taught while I'm there. Our pastor's daughter is 14 and has down's syndrome. She always eats at our table. Jim and Angie eat with me. (Sarabeth and Jamie are social butterflies and have their own friends - yes, even at THREE Jamie has her own little friends she wants to hang out with!) Tonight our table included Natalie, a young widow... and a middle aged man whose wife was working late... and a college student. People stop by the table and chat with us...there are hugs... and "how are you" and "how did work go today?" People care about what happens in our lives and it means so much.

So that was my Wednesday. And now I am curled up in my air mattress nest... watching Jon and Kate. Not a bad day!