My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

transition

Tonight I'm just resting in a quiet room with Stubby, the amazing three legged wondercat at my feet. I'm not sure how Stubby came to be my watch-cat but he screeches like a banshee if Austin tries to take him away from me. I don't really want the cat on my bed... and... I mean, it IS an air mattress... but Stubs is de-clawed. I think. But... if the poor creature finds comfort in my presence for whatever reason, who am I to deny him?

I needed some peace tonight. There's been a lot of "reliving the moment" for me this week. I've felt a little shaken... I've had to defend myself more than I would like. I've had to have an opinion, speak up and out, remember the pain... and it's just... well... tiresome. There are times that I work so hard at healing that I forget that I'm really not supposed to be "over it" yet.

I remember that last 24 hours in the psych ward - once I had made my decision to leave Jacksonville. I was chomping at the bit. I was ready to leave. It was as if someone had tied a weight to the second hand of the clock to slow the passing of time. I told my doctor that I had too much living to do to sit still. Then I was shot like a rocket out of there and into "the rest of my life". There was so much to do... wrapping up my life there in Jax.... planning and starting my life here in the mountains... I was so busy pressing on that I didn't have time to reflect or mourn.

This week has involved a little mourning. I hadn't quite expected that to happen. I thought I was in a place of peace and victory. This week I have learned that I'm not as big, bad or healed as I thought I was. I've also been so blessed... there have been many healing conversations and experiences for me. As one of my new friends at church said last night, God is "stretching me" a bit. Sometimes I just have to be pruned a bit for the new growth to come out.

I'm not really sure where the transition stops and the living begins. It's like that old saying, "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans." I get up and go to work and come home and cook dinner and we go to church and we live our life and this seems like what we have done all along and then I'll have a reality check and remember that everything has changed... that my life has been completely rearranged and renovated.

Sometimes I feel like I'm that final episode of the Newhart show.. remember the one where Bob wakes up and he's in his old bed from the first Bob Newhart show with his wife from that show and he says, "I just had the strangest dream" and the dream was the whole second show... Vermont, Larry, Darryl and Darryl, Stephanie... all of it a dream.

I feel like all of the time in Jacksonville was just a dream. And when people contact me from that time in my life... it's like I'm being forced back to sleep... and robbed of my current reality. I can't stop caring about those people... I can't be completely unfeeling and numb to it all... but I don't want to go there... not even in my mind. On the other hand... sometimes all of this feels like a dream and I'm afraid that someone is going to wake me up and I'll be right back where I was... or I'm afraid that I died that night... and this is Heaven.... and that's why everyone from "then and there" seems so intangible. There is definitely a feeling of "this can't be my life"... it's just too good. Too normal. Too... everything I had hoped for in the way of church, family, career, my own little nest... I am blessed.

Austin got his bible out tonight. We were talking about responsibility. I was reviewing with him the things I need him to do every day... dishes... make tea... check the mail... his homework... his room... care for the 3Legged Wonder Cat... and so forth. Then he got his new bible... and said, "I guess you want me to read the bible too?"... Well... now that you mention it... it wouldn't hurt!

The perfect blog story would be that he started reading and found some incredibly inspirational passage that he shared and totally inspired me. Well... it wasn't quite like that... he started quizzing me on the books of the bible... and I think I answered everyone correctly. It's not deep theological study but at least he's got the book in his hands, right?

I am still feeling a bit icky... I don't think it's a cold... maybe sinuses, maybe just fatigue. I plan to rest a bunch on Saturday. After I get my Georgia drivers license so I can get my tag on Monday so my mother can quit worrying. Austin will be on his retreat from tomorrow afternoon until Saturday afternoon. Mama and Daddy will be up here tomorrow night. They are babysitting the Red Headed Angels while their mama and daddy are out of town.

I got my Letter of Clearance from the State of Florida today so that I can have my Georgia insurance licenses reinstated. That will be super-mega-awesome! Today I got a call from the church that there was a relative of a member who needed some health insurance! They have an appointment tomorrow with Duane (since I'm not really "legal" to sell right now since my license is in transition). I am so glad that the church staff knows to refer people to me! That will really help! I also got a call from Angie's mother regarding some health insurance... which gives me hope that I will be able to supplement my income with commission. I pray every day that God will help me to sell... and that He will give me the energy I need to do my job.

Ok... my energy supply is now depleted... time to turn in... thanks for your love and support and encouragement. I love you all! And congrats to Misty on her brand new baby boy- Brennen!

Here's my verse for the day... about transition...

Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

G'night y'all!

4 comments:

Myra said...

You still have a ways to go in the healing department, give yourself time. I know you want it now, but be patient with yourself. It'll happen when its supposed to. How else will He continue to use you if you want Him to hurry up!?

Indigo said...

I can't tell you how many times I've tried to move on so quickly, I never allowed myself to fully heal. It takes time, you want to be happy and over the pain. Yet if you don't acknowledge the pain, the sorrow your likely to repeat the things that brought you to that place to begin with. It was like that with me...at times I felt like I was contantly on rewind. Your in my thoughts hon. (Hugs)Indigo

Beth said...

I'm starting to grow really fond of Stubby the Wondercat! ;)

Have a great weekend...and give yourself a break. Healing doesn't happen overnight!

Hugs, Beth

Tina said...

stubby is a "nurse" cat. These are cats that tend to gravitate toward someone the "needs" them. I had a cat like this. If one of the girls cried, she was with them. If anyone was sick, there she was. He is just taking care of you.
I get so much inspiration from reading your blog. I wish I had turned to church when I was freshly separated. I think my journey would be smoother.
take care
tina