weighing in before the weigh in

No blog entry yesterday! Yikes! I know if I'm quiet for more than 24 hours y'all start to worry and gather into little Hen Parties and text each other and decide who will call the White County Sheriff out to do a welfare check on me. I exaggerate. But... I know you worry if I'm quiet for long.

It was just one of those wordless days for me. I actually did type an entry last night... posted and then deleted it. I'm struggling with Austin. Raising a teenager, they say, is like nailing jello to a tree. Add to that the monster that Aspergers Syndrome can sometimes be... and subtract any consistent male role model... multiply it by him having a mom with her own bag of troubles... and you have an occasional perfect storm of drama. He has exhausted me this week... between absconding with my tv, breaking his own tv and our only landline phone... and his daily demands, wants and needs... his messes and tantrums. It's just sometimes more than I can handle.

Last night I reached my own meltdown point and just curled up in my nest in a big sobbing heap. He heard me crying... changed gears and came in and hugged me. Aspie kids don't hug to comfort people. They hug because they realize that in some social situations it is appropriate to return an embrace... but they don't offer a hug to console. That was truly a Helen Keller "water" moment for us. He truly felt remorse... also a rare thing for a kid with Aspergers. They often resent the consequences of their actions but usually the resentment is for the person doling out the punishment, not a true sense of "gee, I should have done that".

Everything with Aspergers is about perception becoming their reality. Whatever he considers to be the norm... to be the way things ought to be... that's what he expects his life to be like. When he was two and things didn't live up to his perceptions... he bit. He was so bad about biting his little playmates that one of my closest friends came to me in tears one day to tell me we could no longer spend time together because she was tired of her child being bit. Austin couldn't explain what frustrated him then... and he's not much better now. Instead of biting... he curses, breaks things, kicks the wall, slams doors. He's bigger and more violent and his tantrums have grown with him. And his perception of life is still skewed, often far beyond what anyone, especially me, can provide for him. It's exhausting.

What does this have to do with my weigh in? Well. It's been an odd journey for me since the last weigh in... I've fought a dozen battles with Austin over the last week. We had a really long day last Saturday - driving to Atlanta and back. I had a carb fest (on the lovely white pizza I made) last Sunday. I've battled migraines all week (probably related to the ongoing war with Austin) and I've stressed over finances since child support, once again, is nowhere to be seen. Do I settle my finances by taking the kids' dad to court... if that means alienating all of them? It seems like winning a battle only to lose the war.

BUT... despite all of that... I think I'll have good results on the scale today. It's possible... not definite but possible... that I'll reach my 25 pound total today.

I'm proud that I have finally realized that if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer. Comfort food doesn't bring comfort... for me, it just drains my resources of money and energy... makes me feel bad... pushes me further from my goal... makes me feel like a failure. Even if the scale stays exactly the same this week... to have gone thru a week that a year ago would have driven me to gluttony and to have stayed on plan throughout, is a huge accomplishment.

Today is Sarabeth's birthday party. The theme is Junie B. Jones - a series of childrens books that she loves. I'm playing the role of "Mrs." the teacher.... and I have my outfit all picked out... right down to the sensible shoes. Austin is playing another teacher in the book... Mr. Scary... and he's very excited about it. I wish my parents, Cody and Marquee were going to be with us. It will be odd not having them at one of SB's birthdays... but mom is still not up to that much travel and Cody and Marquee have other plans. The sun is shining bright, there's not a cloud in the sky, it's crisp and cool but will be mild during the party. It's a perfect fall day... and I am blessed to be here in these beautiful mountains and be able to enjoy it all. I love Saturdays.

Will post my results later... have a great day, y'all!