I got sleepy while uploading photos last night and stopped before I finished. I have my new digital camera battery charger so I will be able to take more pictures! I have missed my photography. One of my clients in Florida was a photographer in WWII and a professor in photography at the local college. It disturbed him that I refer to my pictures as "pictures" and not "photographs". I think for me I'm just so informal about what I capture and why. My "photographs" may not be award winning or maybe even all that interesting outside of my family but it's a joy for me to be able to capture these special moments... and I love to share "photographs" of my world and the places I go. I have so many fabulous "photographs" of our time in Florida and although there was a lot of hurt there for me, the good times are captured in pixels and I hope, in time, those are the images that remain the most vivid for me and that the dark times eventually fade from my memory.
Last night Austin did something that really hurt my feelings and I reacted more strongly than I think I would have three years ago. I just can't handle meanness... I can't handle being picked on or mocked and I used to be able to. I have four brothers! I mean... obviously, I grew up with some teasing! But last night I found myself really disturbed by it. Put it on the list of things that need to be discussed in counseling. I go through life feeling completely normal until something like that happens that reminds me that there are some really raw wounds in me still. I hate it. I hate that I lost that part of me that could roll with the punches. I explained to Austin that I wish I could laugh at myself still... but I spent so much time being laughed at and put down and degraded and mocked... and I can't tell you at what point it stopped being funny or joking and started being painful. I can only tell you that it did.
At any rate... last night was really fun for all of us. Sarabeth picked Zaxby's for her birthday dinner and since Austin and I had homemade soup and cornbread before the game, I just had some of those "potato chips" that Zaxby's sells (they're so good and not healthy but it was a birthday and we all know that birthday calories don't count!) SB enjoyed herself... we got lots of smiles... she had a good time sharing her pink cupcakes with her soccer team.... she loved the little gift I got her (it was just a small gift from the dollar store because I think everyone should have SOMETHING to open on their actual birthday!) Since we play "Fetch" I got her a little rubber dog toy. She thought it was great. She has asked for a dog costume to play dress up... I'll have to see what I can come up with. Hopefully the Walmart near my office will ha something appropriate. Her actual birthday party is on Saturday - expect tons of pictures then!
Today is my first day of work. Subconsciously I am nervous about it. I know this because I dreamed last night that Austin and I overslept and he missed the bus and I was late for work. This was unrealistic because everyone who knows me knows that a) I never oversleep... I generally wake up about ten minutes before my alarm and I never allowed myself to get in the habit of sleeping late while I was not working. The latest I slept was 7am, regardless of how much sleep I had the night before. and b) I am never late for anything. Ever. I am always ridiculously early for everything.
Subconsciously I am nervous but outwardly it's a job I know... in a place where people are super nice... in a beautiful place.... with a kind boss... the only thing I really have to fear is myself. I'm not worried about my ability to intellectually handle the job and to provide great customer service. I'm worried about my ability to have the energy and the strength and to not cry and not allow myself to get stressed or overwhelmed. I'm worried about what Austin does in my absence in the afternoons as he has shown such poor judgement and self-control lately. I'm worried but I know that I will calm my fears with prayer.
Thank you for all your interesting and thought-provoking responses to my questions yesterday. It gave me a great perspective of who is reading and where they are in their lives... it gave me great encouragement to see where you have been and where you are now... to know that there are people who are going through hardship.... people who have always walked in abundance... people who have great faith in God... people who have a lot of the same fears and frustrations that I do. I don't know that I have any great wisdom to offer you but I will say that I appreciate you sharing my life and caring about what happens to me.
Time to get ready for work. *gulp* AFter work we have bible study at church... so it will be 9pm or so before I'm back home and settled. I'll try to catch up then. *Hugs*
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Posted by Heather at 6:31 AM