My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Friday, December 12, 2008

back in the warm woolies!

I'm home and in my warm woolies already! It's cold outside... still, not Minnesota cold (and thank you, Janis for giving us that perspective... minus five is a bit on the chilly side!)... but cold for me. My weekend has started... but not really because I have to work tomorrow. I agreed to work Saturdays if we had clients who needed to come in... and one requested a Saturday appointment... and so I'll work tomorrow morning. As much as I love my weekends... it doesn't bother me so much to work a few hours on a Saturday morning. It's not like I work in a salt mine or anything.... and hopefully I'll sell some stuff.

I had a mini-epiphany today that I want to share...
You can't throw mud on someone else without at least getting your hands dirty. God gives us some clear directives on dealing with anger. Being angry is not a sin but God clearly tells us "in your anger do not sin"... and the temptation for me is sometimes too great... I want vengeance. I want the people who hurt me to be hurt as badly as I am... but even at that, God tells us that vengeance is His. "I will repay, declares the Lord". I'm working through it. It's a process, trust me. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer. I'm less angry today than I was yesterday.

Have you ever been around someone who was truly bitter? You know - the person who had some horrible, turning point event in their life that was evident in every conversation... that colored everything that ever happened from that point on... I talk to those people every single day... people who have been embittered by some unfortunate set of circumstances... I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the scorned wife. I don't want to be the girl who survived suicide. I just need to be more than that. I can't allow myself to be defined as a victim. I'm far more than that.

There is a verse I read today that set me free in a way that nothing else has before... 1 Samuel 24:12 - "May the Lord judge between you and me. May the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you." I just read that and felt the need to defend myself melt away. When I confronted "her"... I called her and said, "just tell me the truth... let me know what I need to do with my life... if you are involved with him, just let me know...." and she lied and she denied. At that time I said, "I gave you the opportunity. Now it's between you and God". But I never really left it there. I have harbored a lot of resentment... and it hasn't hurt her a bit. It's crippled me.

I talked about the two types of people who read my blog earlier this week - there are those who read because they care about me, and there are those who read to see if I'm talking about them. So for that second group of people... know that I'm done. Know that I intend to leave it where I meant to - with God. He has done great things for me. He has brought so much healing and peace into my heart. I wouldn't trade places with anyone in the world right now... I'm that sure of where I am and who I am right now. I feel that blessed! I feel that strong!

And it's Friday. It's been 12 weeks.

Work is always such a great outreach for me. I meet so many people through my job - always have - in every agency, in every location I've ever worked. Today I met a neighbor. There's an older man who lives about a mile from us. We got engaged in conversation this morning while he was waiting to meet with one of my coworkers. I shared a little bit about moving here... I always tell the story this way, "I was at a crossroads and needed to live somewhere different... and so I came here" and if they're interested, I wil share a bit more about my brother and his family and how dear they are to me... how my nieces are the joy of my heart and I wanted to watch them grow up... and this gentleman wanted to hear more of the story. He did such a kind thing... he told me if I ever needed anything, he would be glad to help... a cup of sugar, a ride "up the hill" (we live down in a valley and if it ices over, we will not be able to get out easily)... he said he'd pick stuff up for me at Costco if I needed (I haven't found it yet but I understand it's about an hour away). And he gave me his phone number... wrote it down on a little piece of paper for me... I stuck it in my wallet. I'm finding that people around here mean what they say... and if they offer to be neighborly, they surely mean it. And I know from experience that I have had to rely on the kindness of strangers... so I don't take it lightly when someone offers.

God is good. Have I mentioned that lately?

Dinner is ready. Tator tots and turkey sandwiches. Living off the bounty of the pantry again. Gladly. Glad to be home. Glad to be at peace. Glad to be who I am, where I am. Hope you are too.
*hugs*

4 comments:

Beth said...

I have indeed known people who hang onto their bitterness like it's their only lifeline...when in fact, it's drowning them. And they usually like to take everyone around them down with them. The eternal victim.

Very pathetic, and I'm so happy to hear that you have no desire to be that person! As a blog friend wrote about bitterness, "It's a color that's not attractive on anyone!"

Hugs, Beth

~Kat~ said...

I no I have hung on to Bitterness and I need to let it all go... Thank you for this post and once again Iam so happy that you are happy you sound so good right where God wanted you!!! Blessings Kat:)

Myra said...

It is so much easier to play the victim role than to look in the mirror and see what needs to be fixed. When its family, its worse...no matter what you say, they have a come back why they can't/won't take any advice to heart. Oy vey...

Tina said...

what a lovely entry! it feels good to trhow off the "victim" robe, doesn't it?

I have had instances of holding on to bitterness, but it takes up so much precious energy! I have learned a lot about "letting go" of things. and it feels good!!!