My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Sunday morning


I'm up early. I woke up at 4am and decided to watch a movie on TCM, "Teacher's Pet" starring Doris Day and Clark Gable. It was a sweet love story... a nice, feel good movie. I love old movies!
At some point over the past day I have done something to my back. I've got this pulled muscle or something... I don't know... every time I move I have a stabbing pain. I know it's not a kidney infection or it would hurt whether or not I move.
I'll still be going to church. My brother is preaching this morning and he's rather brief... plus... he ended up preaching on a Sunday when they're not having Children's Church so he's going to be extra brief! Angie is leading the music so Sarabeth will be sitting with Aunt Heather. I love having her with me in church. On Christmas Eve she cuddled up to me... makes me feel so loved! We have some of our usual church staff members who are taking a much needed and well-deserved vacation so it's the Jim and Angie show today.
And then they leave on vacation on Tuesday. Angie's parents have taken each of their granddaughters to Disney World for their fourth birthday. It's Jamie's turn! Yesterday we sat and named all the "Princesses" she wants to meet.... i had to dig deep, you know I'm a boy mommy!
I had such thought provoking and passionate responses to my first post yesterday. I appreciate every one of you... although I suspect the anonymous post was someone a bit closer to the situation who doesn't have the courage to address me directly... that's ok.
Anna really touched my heart... she talked about being a "her"... and how "he" ended up not being quite the Prince Charming he set himself up to be. First, Anna, I'm sorry for your disappointment. I know all too well how that can happen. We want people to be who they represent themselves to be and sometimes they just aren't. I spent some very painful months trying to force someone back into the package they first presented to me... and the greatest heartache for me was realizing how much of that was smoke and mirrors and how little of it was truth.
But Anna, I want you to know that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. There is not a single person reading my blog who hasn't done something, at some point, to cause pain to another person. Maybe in a different way but none of us are blameless.
I've struggled so much with forgiveness, true forgiveness. I want to move on. I want to wiggle my nose like Samantha, blink my eyes like Jeannie, click my heels together like Dorothy and this to all be done. I want to have already worked through all the emotion but I am not there yet. It's hard enough to feel it... I'm not going to apologize for what I feel... or for being honest about it... but I understand on an intellectual level how important it is to move on... to forgive.
Because the foundation of my faith includes belief in forgiveness for sin... as a means of accessing Heaven... I can't be one-sided. I have to believe that the same Jesus that hung on the cross to save me from my sin, hung on the cross for every single unfaithful spouse... for everyone who ever lied... for every woman who sought to attract a man who belonged to someone else... for every moment of deception and unkindness and intentional harm that has ever been committed... those sins were paid for at the same time my sins were atoned. My sins killed Jesus too...
Unfortunately, just like in my life, even though there is forgiveness for sins, we still sometimes have to live through the consequences for sin. Sometimes the people who live through the consequences are not the ones who commit the sin... I don't want to wear the victim label for the rest of my life. I want, just like with the cardboard testimonies, for my one side to say, "rejected and unloved" and then the other side to say, "joyful and victorious life".
I am enough. I know this. I don't require a man to complete me, thank God! I know that there is a happily ever after for me and I accept that my happily ever after may not include a Prince Charming. I know that God may use me in a completely different way. I believe that in some ways He is already using me and I know that my honesty and vulnerability here - and in my real life - opens doors with people who have also felt some of the things I'm feeling. Not that I'm any example of how to live! But I know that sometimes just knowing that you're not alone is helpful.
It's raining outside. It will be a curly day! I've soaked pinto beans overnight and they are going into the crockpot for after church.... complete with cornbread... and then it's back to the nest for a restful Sunday afternoon.
This is "Guilt Week". It's the week we're bombarded with ads about stopping smoking and losing weight and all the other things that people resolve to do on New Year's. I'm pretty good about keeping resolutions... and I'm making some big ones this year. I'll be working on a post describing my intentions later.
Hope you have a beautiful Sunday! Go to church!





7 comments:

Mary said...

Yeah, funny about that "anonymous" tag . . . doesn't really sound all that "anonymous" ~ does it?
I may come to your house for pintos today. I never got mine put on . . . sure would be good with cornbread.
Enjoy church . . .
Ly,
Mary

sheri said...

We get to where we need to be emotionally in our own time. Knowing which direction you are headed is the first step.
Have a blessed day,
Sheri

Anna said...

Thanks for your words, Heather. The kindness and truthfulness of them made me cry and made me realize how far I am from forgiving myself. Maybe that's what karma actually is; our conscience preventing us from enjoying the things (including relationships) that we're not entitled to. I'm a Christian, too, but oddly enough it is making it even harder to forgive myself; I feel like I violated my faith, or like my faith should have helped me be stronger, or... both. Thanks for taking my words to heart, though. It helped to be able to ask your forgiveness even if I can't ask his (former) wife. God bless, and I promise I'll try to work on accepting forgiveness, somehow.

sober white women said...

I think at times we all struggle with forgiving. I do.
Kelli

Anna said...

Wanted to add one more thing, as I think about all this. I need to forgive "him", too. I really don't know that he intentionally misrepresented himself or his marriage to me. I think he was sincere about craving intimacy. For some reason, though, because of something deep down in him that even he doesn't understand, he just shuts down when faced with the realities of day-to-day intimacy. I wish I could help him, but I don't know that I can, especially not when the cost is, as you said, losing mySELF.

Anna said...

Wanted to add one more thing, as I think about all this. I need to forgive "him", too. I really don't know that he intentionally misrepresented himself or his marriage to me. I think he was sincere about craving intimacy. For some reason, though, because of something deep down in him that even he doesn't understand, he just shuts down when faced with the realities of day-to-day intimacy. I wish I could help him, but I don't know that I can, especially not when the cost is, as you said, losing mySELF.

Tina said...

i, too, beleive that anonymous was someone closer to your situation. oh well.