My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Here in the mountains it gets dark early. Most nights I get to see the last fading colors of sunset. Some nights it's completely dark before I get home. Today it was incredibly foggy - the densest fog I've ever seen - on my way home.

I don't feel good. I know I complain a lot but I'm in a lot of pain. I needed to stay at work today. I need to be reliable. I need the money. I knew that no matter how bad I felt I had to stick it out all day.

And then on the way home I had to deal with fog. I just. wanted. to get. home. There was a dump truck in front of me almost the entire way from Demorest. My commute is by way of scenic two lane country roads... a beautiful drive in the daylight... an enchanting drive at dusk... a MISERABLE drive when you get stuck behind a slow vehicle.

I bit my tongue. I prayed. A bunch. I had a lot to pray about. God is teaching me so many things about forgiveness. And patience. And realizing that I am no better than the worst sinner ever. The pious attitude I have carried... the victimization I have cloaked myself in... have not impressed God. If you believe what I believe, which is that Jesus came to save us all from sin... then you have to believe that His blood covered all sin. Sounds pretty when you say it... sounds ugly when you start to realize what some of those sins cost you. When you put human suffering - especially YOUR OWN suffering as the consequence of that sin, it's harder to sum it all up in religion. But He did. He died for that sin too, not just my sins of gossip and gluttony and deceit and .... oh, there's no point in naming them all, you get the picture. He hung there on that cross with the weight of it all. At least, that's what I believe.

Layer by layer I dug through this humbling realization as I drove through the pitch dark suffocating fog... all I could see was that slow dump truck barely inching up the hills... sometimes going as slow as 25 miles per hour. WHY? Why tonight? Why when I've suffered all day? Why do I have to chug along behind this ridiculous vehicle? Why can't they get that stupid thing off the road? Turn off to let traffic pass? Why me? Why now? I could only see as far as the next mailbox. All the landmarks disappeared in the pea soup. For an agonizing 20 minutes, the tail lights of that broken down old dump truck were all I could see.

And then... he turned off. And all I could see was pitch black darkness. My night vision is horrible, made worse by the fog... I was now the one inching along at the head of the pack... making slow headway out of fear for what I could not see. I was about a mile out of town when the dump truck went away. That was the slowest, most nerve wracking mile of the whole journey. Then I came into town and had the luxury of street lights and lighted signposts. But that mile... it was horrible.

You see... that slow, broken down dumptruck led the way for me. It did the hard work. It had to go slow because of it's mechanical limitations but it enabled me to see because of it's bright lights. I was so frustrated. So ready to get home. But I needed the dump truck to light the way.

For so many months in Jacksonville, I would pray... I would cry out to God... "PLEASE... take me out of this situation.... PLEASE... I can't take any more rejection... I can't take the loneliness... I miss my family... I don't feel loved.... " and God's answer for a full year was, "Be Still". I cried. I suffered. I struggled. I fought with Michael. I grew resentful. "Be Still." But I also had dental work done that I would have never been able to afford otherwise. I had a surgery that I really needed that I couldn't have done without someone to help pay the bills. I got some skin cancers removed. I made a beautiful friend in Whitney. I grew. And when it was time to go... I was ready.

I've got a feeling there's a dump truck leading your way through the fog and you can't figure out why you're having to suffer... to wait... to linger... and I can't tell you the answer. I know that God has done amazing things through my struggles. I know that I have a confidence in God that I never had before. I know that I have a peace that passes all understanding. I know that I learned to pray and have continued that ministry of prayer for so many people in my life who are struggling. I know that I found a compassion for the people in this world who feel broken, discouraged, alone... I needed to ride behind that dump truck to learn some things... and tonight I needed to ride behind that dump truck for my own protection.

Be watchful and alert. God is teaching us things about Himself every day. Believe in him. Trust him. I'm no better than anyone else... if he could love me... he could love anyone.

The meds are starting to work. It will be an early night for me. Thank you for your sweet comments... I can read them from work and they were a great encouragement for me today.

love and hugs! g'nite y'all!

5 comments:

Tina said...

this is a lovely entry. and God provides. We just have to trust.

Myra said...

What an inspirational entry. Thank you...

cw2smom said...

Oh yes! We have lots of fog around here, and I often look for a big truck to follow! It's safe and they can protect you as you found out in your situation! Patience my dear! LOL! Wonderful, inspiring story! Blessing Sweetie! Hope you feel better soon, Lisa

LYN said...

VERY PROFOUND...

A.T. said...

Love you and think of you often.
And I so need a dumptruck.